Avenues of the Diamond (University Series #4)

24

trigger warning: self-harm, death

"Ngayon ko lang nabalitaan. Hindi na 'ko masyadong nakakapag-online, eh. Okay ka lang ba?" 

I sighed and sipped on my can of cold beer while looking at nowhere. I was too occupied by my thoughts to even focus my attention somewhere. Matagal akong nakatulala sa kawalan hanggang sa narinig ko ang maikling tawa ni Luna. When I was about to go home by myself because I couldn't call them, she called me instead. 

"I'm fine," I whispered. It didn't sound like it, so I needed to add a smile so she would believe my words. 

"It's no use. Hindi gagana sa 'kin 'yan, kahit ngumiti ka pa. Alam na alam ko na 'yong ganyang mga ngiti, eh. Pinipilit na lang natin 'yong sarili natin maging okay, 'no? Kasi baka sa kakapilit natin, magkatotoo." She laughed again before sipping on her beer. 

We were on the balcony of her condo. Kierra was out so kami lang dalawa ang naiwan. I wondered why Kierra was so busy. Good thing I refused to call her. Baka makaabala pa 'ko. Sometimes, it would just hit you, right? That all of your friends had their own lives and their own problems to mind. Kahit ano'ng mangyari sa 'yo, their lives would still go on. It was the reason why I didn't want to tell them my problems. I didn't want them to stop living their lives just because I stopped mine.

It was just a problem. I would get over it by myself. I can get over it... At least, that was what I wanted to happen, but it was really hard. Really, really hard. 

"I'm fine," I whispered again as my tears started to fall. "It's fine. I'm okay." My voice broke this time. I looked down and let the tears fall to the cold tiles. I couldn't look at Luna anymore. I was too embarrassed.

"Sige lang," she casually said before sipping on her beer again without looking at me. She refused to look at me because she knew I would be embarrassed. I rarely cried because of my personal problems. I often cried because of theirs. 

I tried so hard to stifle a sob until my chest was already hurting. I held my chest and fisted on my shirt while looking down. I was trying to hold it all in, but it was too hard. My emotions were overflowing, but I also didn't want Luna to see me like this. Devastated. 

I stopped crying when she suddenly handed me a box of tissue. I didn't even notice that she went inside to get one. Kinuha ko 'yon at pinunasan ang luha ko habang hindi nakatingin sa kanya. She was also looking away from me. 

"How do I endure it?" I asked her, still trying to stop my tears. 

"Well, life goes on even though it feels like shit," Luna whispered. "Kapit lang. Kapit ka sa 'kin. Kapit ka sa amin. Kumapit ka sa mga taong handang hawakan ang kamay mo. 'Yong mga taong hindi ka bibitawan." 

She gave me a long hug before I left, which made me feel better. I was driving home, ready to face Clyden, when I realized that he was probably out on his duty.

When I parked my car in the garage, I saw an unfamiliar car just in front of the house. I turned the engine off and got my bag before I went out of my car, only to see Clyden's mom looking at the flowers in the garden. She kneeled down when Hail went to her, giving the dog a pat on the head.