Avenues of the Diamond (University Series #4)

25

tw: self-harm, suicide, death

"Kayo po ang cumontact Ma'am? Nasaan po ang katawan?" 

I pointed at my sister's body covered in white cloth. I already contacted a funeral service to get her while I was still mourning. I knew I had to take her out of the hospital, and I also had to process her death certificate all by myself. 

Death certificate. It hurt so much to hear those words. My parents were already informed about what happened to Naomi, but they hadn't replied yet. I couldn't contact anyone. I didn't know how to. I didn't know what to say. 

I had to process the documents while mourning. When I arrived at the funeral home, they asked me to choose the casket for my sister, which broke me. I couldn't take it anymore. I fell on my knees and cried again in a quiet room full of caskets of different colors. I couldn't choose one. I couldn't... if it was for my sister. I can't accept it. 

"I'm sorry. I'll just make a call." I forced myself to stand up and wipe my tears. The funeral home staff nodded, so I went out of the room to get my phone. I looked at the time and assumed that Clyden was still on duty, so I called someone else instead. 

[Hindi mo na kaya?] she asked as soon as she answered the call. 

"Yanna..." I covered my mouth to stifle a sob when I cried again. Sobrang bigat sa dibdib ng lahat ng nangyayari. I couldn't take it anymore. It was the first time I said that I couldn't take it anymore. Palagi kong kinakaya lahat, pero hindi ito. This was already too much for me. I lost everyone, including myself. 

[Nasaan ka? Pupuntahan kita.] seryosong tanong niya. 

I told her the address of the funeral home before ending the call. I couldn't choose the casket by myself yet, so I stayed outside the room and just forced myself to stop crying. I waited for Yanna while they were asking me where and when I would hold the burial for my sister. I couldn't even give them a concrete answer yet. Hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin tanggap. I wished that all of it was a long dream. I wanted to wake up from this. 

"Sam!" I stood up when I heard Yanna's voice. She was running to me in her uniform as she went straight from her class. As soon as I saw her, I started crying again. "Shush," she whispered while hugging me. 

I still felt like shit, but being held and having someone to lean into made me feel a little better. I cried on her chest again while she was talking to the staff. She was the one who handled the documents while I was beside her, still crying. 

"I want her buried immediately." That was what I decided on. 

I didn't want to see the people who made it harder for her to live in this cruel world. Holding a funeral for her would just make me more devastated. I wanted to cremate her body, but I figured that Naomi would want to be buried beside her mother. 

"Her favorite color is yellow," I said as my tears started to fall again. Sobrang sakit na ng mata ko. Pagod na pagod na 'kong umiyak. "Gold is the closest color. I'll go with that."