Dreams of Magic (Harry Potter)

Seventeen: How One Argues With Themself

Addy's hands were shaking, very slightly. Her head was quietly pounding, her heart was a one-man band tapping a beat against her ribs.

Mei-Lin had asked her a question over three hours ago and she still didn't have an answer. It was after everyone else had left- Madame Pomfrey had just let her out of the hospital (Harry had gone a few minutes before her), and Mei-Lin was walking with her to dinner. It was a yes or no question, a simple question, a question that she thought she knew the answer to. As it turns out, though, Addy was having a much harder time answering than she thought she would.

"Do you like Draco?" Mei-Lin had asked. Addy didn't know what to say.

"Jay sees it too," She had added in the absence of Addy's answer.

Addy knew good and well that Mei-Lin wasn't asking if she considered herself Draco's friend. What did that mean, Jay saw it too? How on earth could Jay see something that wasn't there?

Was something there?

She was confusing herself more than she thought possible. Before Mei-Lin had presented her with this issue, Addy hadn't even actively considered Draco as anything other than her friend. Draco was just Draco.

He had the iconic platinum blonde hair, always slicked back smartly. He had cold eyes that warmed up when they met her gaze. He commanded a room when he walked into it. He demanded respect from all who spoke to him. He was sweet in secret, and really was a good person when he wasn't trying so hard to keep up the bad-boy persona. Draco actually treated Addy like a friend, which was something he did with almost no one else. He was whip-smart and quick on his feet. He was a damn good wizard and a good friend.

He also, unfortunately, still sometimes showed his mean-spirited side to everyone else. Whenever anyone else tried to retaliate, they either chickened out or let Draco walk all over them. The last time she'd heard him insult someone, he had called them a 'filthy mudblood'. Afterward, she had taken Draco to the side and reminded him that Jay was a Muggle-born wizard and she herself wasn't a pureblood, either. She then very quietly told him that if she ever heard him speak ill of anyone like that again, she would personally make him regret the day he let the phrase leave his mouth. Addy hadn't heard him utter those words since.

This was what confused Addy, the juxtaposition in Draco's personalities. She liked the Draco that she got to see all the time, but he refused to be true to himself when he interacted with anyone else. She'd gotten him to admit (once and only once) that he was indeed projecting his anger onto everyone else, and that his dad's influence on him affected the way he spoke to everyone else. Addy had rightly told him that that wasn't fair, and Draco agreed. Addy knew that Draco was a good person, but he never let anyone else see it. He favored ruling over his classmates with fear.

Even with all of the negative things she knew about Draco, she was still drawn to him. She wanted to show him that it was so much more fun to be known as everyone's friend rather than foe. Draco had a lot of issues, but Addy knew that he was close to overcoming those hurdles and she yearned to be there for him every step of the way.

Addy couldn't shake the growing realization that Mei-Lin and Jay might be right.

"Adaline, are you all right?" Addy snapped her head up. Professor McGonagall had tapped on her shoulder and was standing over her, looking worried. Addy looked around at the now empty dining room.

"Yes, ma'am, I'm okay." Addy was not, in fact, okay. The older woman sighed, taking in Addy's demeanor.

"You don't often space out, Adaline," McGonagall pointed out. "Not in my class, not in anyone else's lectures, but especially not at dinner. Your friends were the ones who asked me to come speak to you; they told me that they both tried to get your attention while they were sitting here, and were both unsuccessful." Addy sat up straighter, staring blearily at her professor, who suddenly seemed much more like a mentor.

"Mei-Lin and Jay asked you to come talk to me?" She repeated. "I... Had no idea, I've been kind of out of it all day," Addy admitted. McGonagall sat down beside Addy, regarding her closely.

"Would you like to talk about it?" Addy looked at her teacher with a newfound appreciation. Professor McGonagall was seen as a ruler with an iron fist. She didn't succumb to emotional manipulation and refused to be seen as anything less than in charge. But here she was, willing to be open with Addy and listen to her.

"Not... Specifically," Addy said honestly, shifting in her chair. The idea of telling Professor McGonagall that she wasn't sure if she had a crush on Draco was terrifying, even if she was being unusually gentle this evening.

"I'm in a spot in which I'm not sure of my emotions," Addy said, trying to make her problem vague, "And I'm trying to figure out what it all means in my head." McGonagall wasn't stupid, nor was she blind. She had the Slytherins and Ravenclaws in class together, and she could guess that Addy might be thinking about Draco. However, she let Adaline keep her privacy, and didn't let on that she knew.

"That's a hard thing to deal with," McGonagall began, "But not impossible. Here's my advice to you- and this is not easy to do- listen to your brain, but follow your feelings. If you're feeling something specific, there's a reason for it. If you don't know what you're feeling there's a reason for that too, and perhaps you should explore new territory." The wise professor had just said so much in so little, and Addy smiled up at her, standing.

"Thanks, Professor!" She ran off and out of the dining room, flying robes disappearing around the corner. McGonagall smiled, and retreated to her office.

Back at the dorms, Addy was sitting in her bed, thinking. She was silent, as everyone else was studying or sleeping, but she simply sat and thought. What Professor McGonagall had said was helpful, but it still wasn't the answer.

Do I like Draco? Addy asked herself once more. She tried not to let the thought scare her and seriously considered it.

Maybe, came the internal reply. She hadn't explored the concept, so she had no idea. The thought of developing romantic feelings for the platinum blonde was frightening and foreign, but intriguing. The Ravenclaw in Addy itched to try and logic her way out of exploring these emotions so far outside her comfort zone, but for once, she ignored it and went all-in on her feelings. She decided to take McGonagall's advice to explore and do just that. She wouldn't answer the question right away- she couldn't. But what she could do was lean into her feelings a little more and explore what romantic interest in Draco would feel like.