Impetuous Passion

Ikatlo

How does it feel to be happy and alive?

I merely remember when was the last time I feel those, I have lost that feeling and thought that I will never gain it back again.

It was and the rest of people here in Metro was asleep and yet I stand awake in my balcony, looking at the nothingness of the night, holding a glass of wisky drowning myself. I took the glass in my lips and sipped what was left in it.

I heared a sultry voice behind me, wrapping her warm arms around my naked body, kissing my back.

"How many times do I fvcking have to tell you to leave?" I said while trying to remove her arms around me.

"Didn't you enjoy my company, why are you sending me away?" she asked.

"I said leave" maotoridad kong bigkas habang nanglilisik ang nga matang nakatingin sakanya. Padabog siyang nag martsa pabalik sa kwarto at nag bihis. Tumalikod ako at muling nilunod ang sarili sa kadiliman ng gabi. Malakas na pagbagsak ng pinto ang narinig ko. Indikasyon na mag isa na ulit ako sa malungkot sa kwartong ito.

Loneliness has been chasing me. He doesn't want to leave me alone; he hunts me like a predator wanting to eat his prey. I close my eyes as I was imagining her face, her lips, nose and everything about her.

I want to give the justice she deserve, and I did. But I still feel like something is missing---my heart. A year of living without my heart. I'm alive but merely living at all because she left me. The woman I love so much, my fiancé and my everything. It's been a year but I still feel her, miss her and still love her.

Siguro ay nalulungkot sya ngayon, nalulungkot sya kase nakikita nya akong miserable, at hanggang ngayon sinisisi ko parin ang sarili ko kung bakit kami humantong dito. Kung sana ay mas inagahan ko pa yung dating ko edi sana buhay pa sya ngayon, sana magkakasama pa kami ngayon, masaya at buo ang pamilya. Pero lahat ng iyon ay puro sana nalang, dahil wala na akong magagawa kundi maghintay---maghintay kung kailan pwede na kaming magsamang muli.

~•~

"Wake up sleepyhead. Good morning and I love you!" pamilyar na boses ang gumising saakin. Pinuno nang malamyos na boses na iyon ang buong silid. Pinakatitigan ko lang ang alarm ng cellphone ko, paulit-ulit na voice record ang naririnig ko. Nilibot ko nang tanaw ang buong silid at naalalang mag-isa lang ako. Everyday after hearing those voice, I was silently praying that I could personally hear her voice again, waking me up by her tender kisses and sweet voice. How I wish that I could still hear her telling how much she loves me, how much she's going to miss me. Pero alam kong malabong mangyari yon.

Bumangon ako at naligo na, panibagong araw nanaman ang bubunuin ko.

Pumasok ako sa opisina ko. Simula ng mamatay sya, iniwan ko na ang dati kong propesyon at hinawakan ang kumpanya ng pamilya ko, ano pang silbi ng propesyong iyon kung mismong ang babaeng mahal ko ay hindi ko naprotektahan.

I was busy signing those files on my table when someone came into my office. I saw my father, his dangerous aura invading the whole office.
"Have you lost your mind?" He doesn't actually yelling, his voice is more like a subdued thunder, as if to convey some frustration as well.
"Anong ginawa mo at hindi ka sumipot sa conference, we lost a possible investors and profits, not just thousands but millions, Mikael. Millions" lumapit si Dad saakin at hinawakan ng mahigpit ang kwelyo ko.

"Ilang beses ko bang dapat sabihin na kalimutan mo na si Angelique, mag move on ka na. Huwag mo ng idamay ang kumpanya sa paglubog mo. Hijo de puta. Umayos ka Mikael"  padarang na binitawan ni dad ang kwelyo ko at mabilis na lumabas.

They were all saying that I should forget Angelique, na kalimutan ko na sya. Na magpatuloy, makuntento at maging masaya nalang sa buhay. But how could I be happy if the emptiness in my heart drowns my whole being. I don't want to forget her, I want to be stuck with our memories. I don't want to move on, all I want is to be in the exact same spot where she left me.

Ang dali para sa kanilang sabihin na kalimutan ang isang tao, gayong hindi naman sila yung iniwan, yung nawalan. Pano ko magagawang kalimutan yung taong nakasama ko ng matagal, yung taong kasama kong bumuo ng pangarap.

Lumabas ako ng opisina, sumakay ako ng elevator at ng makababa sa basement parking ay agad kong pinatunog ang sasakyan ko. Imbis na pumunta sa penthouse ay nagdirederecho ako, tinahak ang pamilyar na daan.

Hapon na nang makarating ako sa aking destinasyon. Bumaba ako ng sasakyan at tiningala ang bahay na pinatayo ko para sana sa pamilya ko.

But this ain't home anymore, because home is the place where your heart  is. A place where you feel secure, loved and happy. It is a building, a merely structure.

Binuksan ko ang gate para maipasok ko ang sasakyan ko.

Binuksan ko ang pinto, sinindi ang ilaw. Unti-unting kumalat ang liwanag sa kaninang madilim na silid. Malinis ang paligid, dahil inaasikaso ng tagapangalaga na binabayaran ko.

Dumerecho ako sa sofa at nilapag ang supot ng bitbit kong beer in can. Sinimulan ko ng uminon, nagpakalunod sa kalungkutan at ala-ala ng nakaraan.

I shed a tear that rolled down my cheeks as I remember those memories. I heard a loud sound before I dozed of to sleep.