This is the story of Lewis, an average millennial, finding love in today's world. No exaggeration, just the reality that he faced, and continues to face.
I'd just like to thank my friends who gave their time reading this before I showed it to Ellis. Your insights were invaluable and your feedback assured me that I am on the right track.
While I am not sure if this will even get outside readership since my entire goal was to write for Ellis, I would you like to leave the following lessons that I have learned growing up in terms of finding love:
1. If you get dumped, calmly accept it.
I got dumped a number of times trying to chase after my crushes. It was never a fun experience but I learned to accept it.
Some people tend to exhibit sour graping after being dumped, i.e. insulting the person they used to like because their ego was hit for being dumped. It's not a mature thing to do.
Being dumped does not make you any less a person. It's just that the person you're pursuing might not be the right match for you.
Perhaps a modern version of being dumped is being ghosted or the act of being left in thin air by a person you have been talking to or even dating for a while. Ghosting is never the right way of dumping someone but it happens. Once ghosted, you'll feel that there's something wrong with what you did or what you said, but sweetie, it's usually not the case.
Being dumped or ghosted will hurt at first, that's for sure, but things will feel better once you start accepting that it's usually not your fault. People are entitled to their preference and you are not always that person. But surely, there is someone out there that is meant for you.
As a person who have been ghosted – and a sucker for closure too – I would just like to say that it takes a special deal of courage to properly turn someone down. It's the mature thing to do, but it's not an easy thing to do so hats off for those who are brave enough not to ghost.
2. Dating apps are not bad, but it is full of different kinds of people.
Dating apps carry a bad reputation especially in the eyes of conservative people. They're not really bad though. But it is full of different kinds of people. Once there, you may bump into people who are looking for casual sex, but you will also meet people who, like you, are sincerely looking for love and companionship.
By the way, I am in no way against casual sex. As long as they do it safely and with consent, I respect that this is how they want to explore life and the many experiences it offers. It's just that if this is not how you roll, that's fine, but don't be afraid to open yourself up to the platform just because you'll meet more open-minded people.
Besides, it's not like you would not bump into different types of people outside these apps right? Out there, the world is full of people from all walks of life, with different mindsets, and varied expression of love. So don't be afraid to explore. The platform in itself is not bad.
3. Learn that red flags are your own personal warning system.
Red flags pop out for a reason.
Does your date exhibit traits that are against your own beliefs? Does the person you are talking to act in ways that are opposite of what you are expecting of a romantic partner? Is something inside you telling you that he or she is not the right person for you?
In most cases, when red flags are right. They are red flags for you because the person is not aligned with that values of a person you would want to be in a relationship with. Red flags embody deviation from your preferences, your beliefs, and your expectations.
You are entitled to define the attributes of your soulmate in terms of physique and character. While life has its ways of showing wonderful people who challenges our expectations but bring true love with them, red flags are a different thing.
Red flags serve as warning. As you ignore red flags, you are likely to be compromising your own preferences and beliefs.
It's never easy to heed red flags. I could have acknowledged them and spared myself from a lot of pain from AJ and Clarence, but I learned the hard way. I just hope that you learned from my mistakes.
4. Acknowledge that pain is part of life.
Especially so after a breakup, falling in love entails having your heart broken several times. Some people different internal mechanism in handling pain, and there's no straightforward solution to ease one's aching heart.
You are also entitled to your own heartbreak but remember that you also hold the key to ending the suffering you feel inside. So get a tub of ice cream, travel, do shopping, listen to sad songs, do what it takes to feel better. As they say, trust the process, and time heals all wounds.
Also, some people tend to stay in an otherwise self-compromising situation such as a toxic relationship like me and Austin, or like a friend of mine who stays with a manipulative guy who isn't even her boyfriend, all in fear of some other form of pain or while forgetting that we hurt ourselves by staying.
Acknowledging that having freedom from pain or fear means braving through them is the first step to living to a happier life.
5. Don't be afraid to fall in love again.
A lot of my friends ask me why I'm always optimistic about the idea of love, especially so after Austin or AJ or Clarence. I guess for me, I always loved the feeling of being in love. And I always believe that we deserve the love we give to others, so I will never be afraid to love with my whole heart.
Further, each time I enter a relationship, my mindset is that this will be the last. With such thinking, my tendency is to always nurture it and to avoid doing anything that will ruin it. As they say, being in romantic relationships should always be in preparation of marriage. Although the case is slightly different for people like me since same-sex union is not yet a universally-accepted practice, the idea still remains the same: that you when you love someone, you should love him or her with the pretense that this is the person you'll love forever.
So don't be afraid to love.
You will one day find the love you have been looking for all this time.
Thank you again for reading.
This has been the story of a boy grew up to like boys, living in the age of dating apps, bracing a pandemic, and finding love.
Wishing love for all,
Lewis
P.S.
I didn't explain why falling in love with someone from the same sex is normal. Why? Simply because I didn't have to.
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