insomnia hotline⠀ choi yeonjun

13

chapter thirteen.
our real selves.

"oh, yunhee! soobin's girlfriend, right?" beomgyu asked, and i smiled, automatically nodding. i stopped nodding as i start shaking my head in realization that we are not a couple anymore, "a-ah, no.." i replied in a hurry.

"dummy. they just broke up," yeonjun told beomgyu in my stead. beomgyu started apologizing to me and the other guys started laughing at him. i just smiled and let out a one-second laugh.

since i lost my old shitty circle of friends, i'm now with yeonjun. he invited me knowing that i was walking alone in the hallway. i originally wanted to go with rian but she said she was going to hang out with her friends and do dumb shit at the back of the building so i just went with yeonjun instead of learning how to fucking smoke cigarettes. so here i am.

the view here sure is different. not to be dramatic or something but, suddenly changing spots in the cafeteria is making me feel like an alien. "why'd they suddenly break up?" i heard beomgyu ask yeonjun. i looked to his direction and nervously chuckled, "i don't know as well." i answered.

"liar," yeonjun quickly denied me with a glare. i pushed a smile to let him know that i don't want to talk about it right now. but he pointed to the table where soobin was, and i felt crushed as i looked over to their side.

park eunbin.

"he's already flirting around with a new girl?" taehyun asked us, even though he and i aren't really close. i just smiled and he smiled back, like he wasn't sorry for asking despite not being friends. it's true, anyway. i nodded because there was no point in denying that.

now they have a clue as to why we broke up. it's because someone fucking cheated :).

yeonjun wrapped his arm around my shoulder all of a sudden, "you gonna lose to that?" he asked me. i became speechless as i went on defense mode, quickly pushing his arm off me. "don't do that!" i whispered, and he chuckled.

no fucking way, "she's blushing!" another one of taehyun's kind, hueningkai laughed at me, or kai? hyuka? i don't know, they all call him differently.

embarrassed, i just took a sip on my strawberry milk. this sure tastes different without gaeun and yieung around.

¤

soobin's pov

"it's nice that she's gone," gaeun told everyone in a chuckle, "hanging out with her costs me too much energy," she added. yieung didn't laugh and just kept eating, whilst the boys were listening half-assedly.

how can gaeun be so mean to yunhee? she's talking like she didn't spend about two years with yunhee. at least yieung's showing damage. but still, what a bunch of shitty friends yunhee had.

wait a second. why am i talking like i didn't just break her heart yestetday? holy shit, why am i talking like i didn't break my heart yesterday? why am i talking like i wasn't a shitty boyfriend?

i looked to yunhee's direction. she's with some student council students including vice president choi beomgyu, who is also president in their class. they're not even close, what the hell?

dang, i know a lot about the world yunhee is in.

except for that fucker sitting beside her. choi yeonjun, was it? the transfer student that eunbin once mentioned to me saying he had a cool hairstyle. the one yieung is drooling over these past few days. bruh, who dyes their hair blue nowadays? did the school ever allow that shit?

they're talking happily, but i know that yunhee's not very comfortable around them. i know that she doesn't like being around childish people, and those juniors are exactly that kind of people. but because yunhee has this weird personality of acting like she's cool with everyone, she's just always going to smile and chuckle.

shit, i know a lot about her.

eunbin held on my chin and made me face forward, to my food, "stop looking at those losers," she told me with a straight face, chewing on her food. seokmin looked at us and went silent, and i started laughing histerically inside myself, sure is nice that i'm not the loser around here according to her.

but for real, i'm the fucking loser, right?

eunbin let go of me so i peeked back to yunhee's direction from the edge of my eyes. i thought they'd just be doing normal shit but yeonjun suddenly wrapped his arm around yunhee's shoulder with a proud smile.

SHITHEAD!ㅡ

yunhee quickly took his arm off, panicking, which put a smile to my face. that's right. i'm the only fucking one who's allowed to get close to her. yunhee's saying something that's probably "stop that" or something. that's how she acted when i was first making moves to her back then too, so i know.

she's blushing.

and i'm watching from afar.

i feel like i've won in terms of being her ex-boyfriend, but being an ex makes me the loser. why am i being so dumb? we're over now, so why am i still watching her?

"soobin," eunbin called me again, getting a hold of my chin AGAIN and making me face her, "can you fucking stop looking at yunhee?" she asked, making eye contact with me. and now everybody in the table went silent, looking at the two of us.

i felt really angry. like i wanted to punch eunbin even though she's a girl and we're in public, but my anger was put down with me realizing that i deserve this shit, i deserve this for doing all that to yunhee. and to myself.

so nowㅡ how am i supposed to not fucking look at her? after all i've done to her?

why can't i just take fucking responsibility for my actions? why is it so hard?

if you need help, reach out to family, friends, mental health professionals, or a local helpline.