insomnia hotline⠀ choi yeonjun

15

chapter fifteen.
what happened to us?

everyone wants to fit in.

and if they don't, they change.

soobin's pov

middle school wasn't the best for me. because as a kid, classmates around you are insensitive, because not everyone understands other people at such an early stage.

my dad is disabled, and mom was always busy with work. everytime she'd come home, she'd do house chores then go to sleep. so i never felt satisfiedㅡ or okay with the love and care i got from my parents.

bullied. since mom didn't have time to attend my school occasions, it was always dad who went, and everyone made fun of him in front of me when he'd leave. i felt angry at myself for having a dad so embarrassing, but the anger soon turned to sadness because i felt bad for my dad everytime i thought about the fact that he didn't want to be a burden to us, his familyㅡ and he didn't get to choose to live the difficult life.

"your dad isn't normal, so you aren't normal too!" was the line that started it all, and everybody called me a weirdo for being butthurt about it. and it didn't stop. and i just wished they would all die. i opened to mom about this but she just said to ignore what they say and it'll all be alright, but it didn't become alright. my emotional state just got worse.

over the summer, we moved to seoul to live together with my aunt because my dad needed to stay at a psychiatric hospital for better treatment, and moving included transferring to a new place for high school.

there were no bullies anymore, and nobody knew about my past. i got a chance to change everything i had, and i did my best to get used to being a normal person again.

but changing had its issues, i wanted to live a normal life but i was surrounded by the type of students i used to hate. butㅡ what was wrong with fitting in to that category? i realized that i didn't want to be normal, i just didn't want to be weak or powerless. i wanted to stop being the one who gets picked on, the one who can't fight back.

so being the one to pick on people wouldn't feel so bad, right? wellㅡatleast not as bad as being the punching bag.

it turns out that not only me was being an alien to a new start, but also go yunhee, our tomboy classmate who seemed a little fishy.

i didn't want to reach out to her though, because that would be a loser move. i wanted to make fun of her for being fishy and maybe dig on her background, but insteadㅡ i lost.

she was better at acting, and i was amused in a different kind of way. we became friends, close friends. so close that we both opened up about our past and nobody made fun of anybody.

and no, i don't want to deny it. i fell in love with her.

i thought that there was a giant risk in going from best friend to boyfriend, but there was none for us. we only got closer, and closer. until we eventually started dating.

holding up a mask as the cool kid didn't feel so bad anymore, because whenever i was with yunhee, we both had time to take it off and rest in each others' arms.

but what happened to all that?

"what's this commotion about?" it's mr. kim, the one who's in charge of managing the student council. he looks furious, that's because he's the one who always spreads the word "VIOLENCE IS NEVER THE ANSWER." to the school. and seokmin's dumb underestimating ass started picking on yeonjun, and rian involved herself in the problem, and now it became a bigger problem.

all the students scattered, and while yunhee was watching them leave, her eyes slowly made way to look at me. but i was still frozen, asking myself;

what happened to us?

¤

yunhee's pov

"maaan, that was a pain in the ass," yeonjun complained, fixing his collar for the nth time today. i scoffed and just looked away. we're on our way home since we live in the same building now, and i don't know, this feels kind of weirdㅡ being with him and all that.

yeonjun chuckled, getting in the way of my steps, stopping me.

"what?" i asked, worried that he might say something like 'now you owe me for saving you from soobin'. but he just smiled, then saidㅡ "nothing, just wanted to look at you."

i looked away, flustered with the cheesy line. why does he want to look at me? does he like me? or is he making fun of me? damn, i can't even ask why because we're not that close, and i highly bet that he won't answer me.

he stayed still in his spot, so the two of us are just standing in front of each other now. "iㅡ uh.." i spoke. i haven't thanked him yet! is that why he's bugging me? "thanks for back there." i continued, being a little embarrassed. yeonjun smiled then turned his back at me as he started walking again.

i caught up with his pace and started to wonder why he's being smiley right now. "you're single now, huh?" he asked me, and i didn't answer back because.. duh, obviously. and not just single, but also a depressed bitch with no actual proper explanation as to why i'm being guilty towards soobin right now. so is that why you're smiley?

"yeah," i replied anyway. because of the awkward silence.

"i won't allow you to go back to soobin," he replied, which was really out of the conversation. i never said anything like that! only lowkey in my head, but not to him. what is he, a mind reader?

"what do you mean?" i asked, holding onto both my hands and fidgeting with my fingers. getting kind of nervous now.

don't answer. don't answer. i still don't want to admit that i want to let go of soobin. because if i do, then he'd be left all alone.

"i don't want to end up being like soobin," he answered. and i furrowed my brows, the worried type. what does that even mean? i'm so cluelessㅡDUMB!

"what does that mean?ㅡ"

"it means that, i don't want to regret letting you go."

if you need help, reach out to family, friends, mental health professionals, or a local helpline.