insomnia hotline⠀ choi yeonjun

5

chapter five.
do i really belong anywhere?

oops, you haven't forgotten that i, go yunhee, am already dating someone, right? i just thought that i needed to explain myself first before people jump into conclusions that i also intend to cheat on soobin with yeonjun.

"and then he said, aren't you my brother's ex? and i started laughing my ass off!" gaeun told her story in a really loud and annoying voice, "so? what did you say?" yieung then asked, even though she looked completely faking her interest in the story.

i sipped on my strawberry milk and changed my attention from listening to gaeun's story to finding someone in the crowd of students eating their lunch.

i laid my eyes on yeonjun and he was sitting with beomgyu, our class president and also the student council's vice president, with some other guys from the student council.

yeonjun's enjoying his pork cuts.

"hey, are you listening?!" gaeun asked me, and i looked at her with both my brows raised, "oh. totally." i replied and chuckled in a sleepy tone. she rolled her eyes then continued to tell yieung more about the guy she dumped a few days ago.

how the fuck am i supposed to listen to your stupid story when we're literally a trio, and you two are facing each other, while i'm at the other end? how the fuck am i supposed to feel like i belong in this shitty friendship when only the two of you are having fun?

how the fuck—

"you order has been served." soobin's voice. i turned to my right and saw him place two trays of food on the table as he sat down next to me. "here you go, princess," he smiled, patting my head. his guy friends also sat down at the table and took territory.

"took you long." i complained instead of thanked him. but he just chuckled at me and moved our trays consecutively in front of us, "eat well," he replied instead.

i noticed from my peripheral vision that gaeun on the other sideㅡ had rolled her eyes at the two of us. that's because she's fucking jealous that i've got the best boyfriend out there and that she's never going to get somebody like him because of her slutty narcissistic ass.

i picked up my chopsticks then paused,

oh. wait. i'm wrong.

i almost forgot that soobin was cheating on me, and that all of this treatment might just be an act he's putting up. why does he even bother to stay with me when he can just live an honest life with park eunbin?

oh, maybe it's because he loves me more than her, maybe that's why he's keeping this relationship up, this mask up. that's why i shouldn't hate him. because if he really liked eunbin more than me, then he'd break up with me, but he isn't, so—

"aren't you gonna eat that?" soobin asked me, pointing at my food, startling me as i look at him with an uncomfortable smile. "i will," i answered, finally moving my chopsticks in to pick up a pork cut.

i started chewing my food and saw that everybody in the table became quiet as they started eating. i glanced away, and just automatically went to check out yeonjun again, only to see him looking back at me.

i look back down to my food as my heart started racing. i put more rice in my mouth and started to chew the stress out of myself.

my racing heart soon calmed down as i remembered being like this with soobin as well. we also were once like this in the past, always stealing glances in the cafeteria when we were starting to fall for each other.

but now.. whenever i look at him, i mostly just catch him looking at somewhere else in the distance, and whenever i check where he was looking atㅡ i only see park eunbin avoiding eye contact with me.

i never felt like i belonged anywhere until i was with soobin, so when he started cheatingㅡ i was back to that feeling. i can't look at anyone that will look back at me now. i look at gaeun and she's looking at yieung, i look at yieung and she's also looking at gaeun. i look at my bofriend and he's looking at another girl.

i stare at my food. if this pork cut was still alive, i wonder, would it be looking at me? or nah?

i hopelessly look up from my food and lay my eyes on yeonjun. and he was still looking at me.

i just felt tired that i couldn't avoid eye contact anymore. my mood swings are fucking terrible, man. earlier i was panicking and now i'm numb? that's great.

after a few seconds of just looking at each other from a distance, yeonjun did the same smile he did earlier when we left him in the hallway.

that smile. it somehow hit my heart in a different way. it's like he hit a baseball and did a home run.

"sorry for leaving you in the rain the other day," i heard a male say. i looked beside me then saw that it was the boy from the other day, the one who i asked to share his umbrella with me! i finally meet him in school!

he opened the faucet of the hand washing station and started washing his hands, "i didn't give you the umbrella because i didn't want mom to worry about me." he explained himself honestly, even when i didn't ask for it.

i laughed and turned my faucet off, "that's okay," i told him, giving him a smile. "my name's yunhee, go yunhee." i introduced myself, facing him, reaching my hand out for a hand shake.

the boy turned the water tap off as he had finished rinsing his hands as well as i said my line. he turned to face me but hesitated to shake my hand at first. "what's your name?" i asked him, and he looked up at my face, blushing.

i blushed as well, and i felt really happy. and because he smiled, i smiled back.

he scratched the back of his head before shyly replyingㅡ "i'm.. choi yeonjun." as he shakes my hand.

the happiness i felt was out of this world. this is the first time i've acted brave towards a guy! i mean.. initiating a handshake and all that.

"nice to meet you, yunhee."

"y-you too, yeonjun."

i lowkey smiled back at choi yeonjun, bitterly, thinkingㅡ maybe even if i didn't belong anywhere, i still belong there, in the past,

with you.

if you need help, reach out to family, friends, mental health professionals, or a local helpline.