The Universe and Beyond

Universe 26: Split Open

ZEN

Thursday. I'm still over the clouds while hugging my soft white pillow and sitting cross-legged in my bed, still wearing my pajamas, staring at the painting Rozend gave me that I hanged on my wall. Kagigising ko lang at magulo pa ang buhok ko pero hindi pa rin mawala sa isip ko ang mga nangyari kahapon.

I have this sudden urge to paint Rozend because he's someone I really don't want to forget but I feel like painting him will be a little too much for the class now. I mean we already made a scene for the by-pairs project yesterday.

Naguguluhan na talaga ako sa nararamdam ko. Naguguluhan din ako sa nararamdaman ni Rozend, sa mga sinabi niya kahapon. Hindi ako sigurado kung pareho ba talaga kami ng nararamdaman para sa isa't isa.

There are no classroom lessons next week anymore. We just have to present our individual paintings on Friday and that will mark the end of the Summer class. And I'm a little afraid after that because I'm not sure if Rozend will still stay in this town or not. Pero siguro naman, hindi niya ako makakalimutan, 'di ba? Siguro naman, bibisitahin niya ako rito sa tuwing may oras siya, 'di ba?

And this is when I become afraid of the unknown. Maybe, he's not someone who will suddenly disappear like he never existed, right?

Mas lalong humigpit ang yakap ko sa unan ko at isinubsob ang mukha ko rito.

So this happens when you become too attached with someone. You suddenly become afraid of them leaving or exiting your life. It becomes harder to let go. It's more painful than I imagine.

I mean, I experienced grief when Elaine suddenly died but it's a lot more different when you know someone special to you is not going to stay – that there's a possibility that they still have to leave someday and never come back and just forget about your existence. And the saddest part about them leaving is that you can only hold on to the memories and not to the person.

And I suddenly feel how my chest tightens. If Rozend leaves, it will really hurt.

Ipinilig ko ang ulo ko. I shouldn't think about this now. He's still here. He will not leave. He's not that kind of person who will leave me hanging. He said he will explain things. He probably has an acceptable reason why he can't stay.

Tumayo na ako at inayos ang sarili. I did all my chores for this day and I also notice that Rozend is not in their house today. We haven't talk about the things we said yesterday because it seems we're both scared to talk about it – to talk about the possibilities of us.

It's already evening but I still decided to leave my windows open. I'm actually waiting for Rozend's return tonight. Because even though we're together yesterday, I feel that not seeing his face today is already equivalent for weeks. It really hurts when you miss someone, I guess.

Nang may marinig akong ingay ng kotse sa labas ng bahay, nabuhayan ako ng loob. Nang pasimpleng sumilip ako sa bintana, nakita ko agad ang hinahanap ng mga mata ko. Bumaba si Rozend sa kotse at pumasok sa bahay nila. Agad akong napatakbo sa kama ko at pinaypayan ang sarili dahil sa kaba. I feel like a creepy stalker right now.

Halos tumalon ang puso ko nang makatanggap ako ng mensahe mula kay Rozend.

Your windows are open? Not sleeping yet?

Halos manginig ang mga kamay ko sa pagt-type ng reply. Hindi ko naman pwedeng sabihin na hinihintay ko talaga siya kaya bukas ang bintana ko, 'di ba?

Hindi pa ako inaantok.

Are you up for some late night talks?

I actually want to immediately say yes but I think it will be too obvious. I will be too obvious that I want to see him and talk to him.

Why? Something's bothering you?

Umalis ako sa kama at naglakad patungo sa bintana. Nang sumilip ako sa labas, napansin agad ako ni Rozend kaya agad siyang ngumiti sa 'kin at kumaway habang hawak ang cellphone niya. Ibinaba ko ang cellphone sa table. I lean outside the window and look at him with knotted forehead.

Itinuro ni Rozend ang puno ng mangga sa pagitan ng mga bahay namin. Umakyat siya roon kaya wala na rin akong nagawa kundi sundan siya. We meet halfway and sit on the branch of the tree. And I'm really happy that I am able to see him and talk to him today.

"Saan kayo nagpunta?" tanong ko.

"Doctor's appointment," he answers.

"Why? Due to your fatigue?" kunot-noong tanong ko.

"Yes. Anyway, is it possible for us to stargaze, somewhere away from this town?" tanong niya.

"Why? Pwede naman. Bakit mo naman naisip 'yan?"

"I mean I want to go without anyone knowing. I want to experience how to run away," he said with distant eyes as he stares at the starry night sky. "Like running away in the middle of the night?"

"Run away like you're never coming back? Or run away like you're just sneaking out and coming back by dawn because you just want to rebel and you realize you're not good on your own? Which one?" nakangiting tanong ko.

Mahina siyang tumawa sa tanong ko. "I think I still need to come back because I'm not good on my own."

I laugh at him heartily. "I'm not good on my own too. Well, maybe because we're still too young. But when we grow up, we will surely be better off on our own. We will be capable of going to places without worries. We can freely runaway without anyone chasing our backs. We will be stronger than how we are now."

"So that's how it feels to grow up, huh. I wish I can grow up now," he said with a smile while looking at me. I'm not really sure if he's serious with that wish or not.

"Well, if you really want to stargaze somewhere, you can call me. We can try to sneak out in the middle of the night and face the consequences later," I say with a chuckle.

"Then I'll call you for sure and open up under the starry night sky," saad niya habang matipid na nakangiti.

"Open up?" kunot-noong tanong ko habang nagtatakang nakatingin sa mukha niya.

Tumango siya. "Open up like splitting myself open to share all my secrets with you."

Mahina akong tumawa. "You don't have to split yourself open."

"I have to. Because it's you. We should prepare our hearts for this, I guess."

"Are your secrets that bad? You're making me nervous," mahinang saad ko.

Napangiti siya sa sinabi ko. His caramel eyes softly wander on my face. "Depends. I hope opening up will not turn out so bad."

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