The Universe and Beyond

Universe 30: First Real Rain

ZEN

When I woke up, it's already afternoon. Halos mapabalikwas ako ng bangon nang maalala ko ang mga nangyari kaninang madaling araw. I check myself. Yes. I'm still wearing the jacket and my pajamas on. Naglakad ako patungo sa bintana at binuksan 'yon. Walang tao sa bahay nina Rozend. Everything that happened is real.

Nanghihinang napaupo ako sa sahig habang napatitig sa Northern Lights na ipininta namin nina Rozend. Tahimik akong lumuha. I feel so numb right now. I feel so lost and empty.

May kumatok sa pinto bago ito dahan-dahang bumukas. Sumilip si Mama sa loob ng silid ko. Natigilan siya nang mapansin na nakaupo ako sa sahig at umiiyak. I can see the worry in her eyes as she walks towards me. She sits in front of me and softly wipes my tears away.

"Zen, I know you're not alright. But you have to be strong, sweetie," mahinang saad ni Mama. "It's alright. You can tell me everything. I will listen until you feel better."

Mahigpit na niyakap ko siya dahil hindi talaga maibsan ng kahit ano ang sakit na nararamdaman ko. "I'm sorry, Mama. Umalis kami nang hindi nagpapaalam. We went out to stargaze. And he also shared his secrets with me. Rozend is suffering from an illness and I can't do anything to help. He said he's dying and he doesn't have much time to live. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to comfort him. He's going through something so painful. But then I noticed that he's burning up with fever. I take him back home. But I don't want to lose him. I've been so attached with him. Bakit lahat na lang umaalis? Sobrang sakit, Ma."

Marahang hinaplos ni Mama ang likod ko. "We don't know the results yet. Hindi pa natin alam kung ano'ng nangyari kay Rozend. But if ever he really has to leave, I don't think it's his choice. Leaving is not his choice. You have to understand that everyone has their own time limits. We can't control that, sweetie. Right now, you have to stay positive. You'll get through this again. And you will become stronger after this. Rozend will be sad if you're hurting and crying like this."

I cry on my mother's chest. I know I have to be strong but it's harder than it seems. The pain lingers and it's hard to push it away but I didn't say anything. My mother let me cry until I calm down, until my eyes hurt, until my tears dry up.

"Change your clothes and eat. It's already past lunch," mahinang saad niya nang kumalma ako. Marahan akong tumango. Inalalayan niya akong tumayo. I walk to my closet and get some clean clothes. While taking a shower, I can't help myself but cry. I can't stop my memories from replaying in my head. I wear white cotton shirt and shorts. Pinilit kong kumain upang hindi na mag-alala si Mama.

But I suddenly remember something. "Ma, I think I need to go to the cemetery," I blurt out.

Saglit na nag-isip si Mama. "Are you sure you can go there today?" nag-aalangang tanong niya.

"Don't worry, Ma. I'll take care of myself. I'm not going to self-destruct or anything," mahinang saad ko.

"Isama mo kaya si Josh?"

"I can go alone. Sorry Ma," saad ko. I look at her with pleading eyes. She sighs heavily but nods.

"Come back before 4?"

"Sige po."

Pinili kong maglakad na lang papuntang sementeryo. Nang makarating ako sa puntod ni Elaine, agad kong tiningnan ang bonsai tree. But I suddenly collapse and cry when I notice that Rozend's bonsai part is empty. Did he remove his entries? Tanging ang gitna at kanang bahagi lang ang may laman. I check the entries from the middle and right part but there's nothing new there.

Why? Why do you have to leave like you never existed, Rozend? Or are you preventing me from breaking my promise?

Niyakap ko ang mga tuhod ko at isinubsob doon ang mukha ko habang umiiyak. I don't want you to leave like this. I still want to know all your thoughts.

I suddenly thought of painting him. I want to paint him for my individual project – because he's someone I don't want to forget. I don't want the class to forget about him as well. I want them to know Rozend's story and his battles. I have to tell them how brave and amazing Rozend is as a person.

I immediately walk back on my way home. Nagulat si Mama nang nagmamadali akong pumasok sa bahay.

"Ano'ng nangyari? Bakit bumalik ka agad?" she asks with worry.

"I have to paint," sagot ko at nagmamadaling tumakbo sa silid ko. I check my sketchpad and I see my drawing of Rozend while he is playing his guitar and humming a soft song. Inihanda ko ang mga gamit ko sa pagpipinta at naghalo ng mga kulay.

I will paint him. I will finish him. I will give new meaning to him.

He's the boy who's fearlessly fighting to survive, to love – to live.

~~~

Friday – the day of submission of our last project. Hindi pa bumabalik ang pamilya ni Rozend. I also tried to contact Rozend through his phone but it was out of reach. I'm already in the class while watching and listening on my classmates' presentations. I'm actually praying that Rozend will suddenly show up his face in class. I want to see him in a healthy condition. I'm actually asking for a miracle deep inside my heart.

My name has been called to present but he's still not here. I sigh heavily and walk in front of the class. I unwrap my painting and let everyone see the boy who wears the brightest smile while lively playing his guitar – as if he's in the healthiest of condition.

I feel so vulnerable right now. I feel like my heart is slowly shattering to pieces. But I have to speak and let them know about Rozend's bravery, about his amazing personality. Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga bago ako nagsimulang magpaliwanag.

"We all know him. He's Rozend Villamor. I know you're wondering why I still paint him even when I already painted him in the by-pairs project. But I just discover that he's having his toughest times now. He's fighting a battle we never know of. He's fighting his battle against cancer. But although he's suffering, he didn't let it show to anyone. He didn't burden us by his condition. He even lifted other's spirits up even when he should be more worried about his own life. I must say that he helped me a lot through tough times. He brought the sun into my life. His light overshadowed the darkness swallowing me up. He taught me a lot of things like paying attention to other people, paying attention to my health, about moving on from grief, about taking risks, about being free, about loving art. He's so amazing that I don't want to forget about him. He said he doesn't have much time left. That he's dying. And I'm not really sure what happened to him now. I just know that he was brought to the hospital last Saturday. I just know that he's fighting his own battles right now. And I'm praying that he'll survive and will live much longer. That he'll be healthier than before. But if he really can't make it in this life, I wish him to be free with a smile on his face. To reach heaven where there is true freedom. To be free from pain."

Tears escape in my eyes and I can't speak anymore. I walk back to my seat and the silence in the room is deafening. I also notice the sad and empathetic look on everyone's face. Artists have soft hearts, indeed. Chantalle offers her handkerchief to me and I gladly accept it as I wipe my tears away using it.

"You have the best painting ever. The bravest one," she says with utmost sincerity.

"Thank you." I can only let out a small, sincere smile.

~~~

Habang nagmamaneho pauwi, natigilan ako sa ulan na biglang bumuhos. It is sunny on some part of Serenity but some heavy clouds are gathering on this part. Wala sa sariling nag-park ako sa gilid ng kalsada. Napaluha ako kaya isinubsob ko ang mukha ko sa manibela.

This is the first real rain in summer.

Summer is ending. And it seems I won't be able to see the sun again.

***