My Diary Literally

Thanksgiving

Well everyone, it's Thanksgiving. Who doesn't love spending time with their family and eating turkey. Oh yeah, that's right, me.

Let me start by saying I hate turkey. I actually hate eating most meat unless it is processed crap that doesn't remotely look like meat. Every Thanksgiving my evil parents force me to eat a huge Slice of turkey to "Get in the festive mood".

Then we eat from lunch until we go to bed. We literally have a feast I mostly only eat stuffing and potatoes though.

So, you are probably wondering what I am thankful for. I'm thankful that I have people like you reading my stories. even if it is less of a story and more of a diary. I am thankful for the freedom to be lazy for a day and play video games while eating pound of food. I am thankful for every person that has had a moment of happiness in their life.

I guess i'm a little lucky when it comes to the happiness part. I probably had the worst childhood ever. Yet when middle school came I got my first happy memory. Even though back then I literally didn't know a guy could be with a guy. I decided to be a creep and grope a guy... I know that may sound weird but then I was in middle school it was still a time where sex was non existent and groping was showing the highest form of affection. He didn't even notice because two girls where grabbing him all over but for some reason I consider touching a guy sexually for the first time to be happy. Is it sad that if I kept telling you the happiest moments in my life it would be with a guy that would eventually leave me.

That is what hurts me the most. The feeling of being alone. My parents neglected me as a child. They always payed attention to my sister unless I did something wrong. I didn't become the bad kid though. The neglect I was given made me have all this love bottled up inside me. I'm like a motherly figure now. Helping people if they scrape a knee or being there to comfort them when they need it.

It'a when they return that kindness I give them that I become weak. Whenever someone shows me kindness I mistake it for love because as a kid I was never shown kindness. I was always bullied both at school and at home. Which means that the slightest bit of kindness is like being light in the darkness.

It's hard for me to know when someone truly wants to be with me or if they are just being nice. Usually though when someone asks me out I say no. Not because they aren't nice or attractive but because when I find my lover I want it to feel like they are the brother I never had. I want to have a bond with them that is unreadable so even if for some reason w broke up, I would still have then there when I needed them.

I always imagined myself buying a house with a bunch of friends as roommates. Something about having a house filled with the people you care about is warming and maybe would make it so I wouldn't feel Linley anymore. I actually decided to try and get my friends to go to the same college as me so we can stay together. It's depressing to have this fear that once school ends you will never see them again.

I hope that soon I will find someone to love me so when I do get out of school I won't have to be alone. Who knows maybe Will's family will adopt me. They already claim I am their adopted son now lol

So, you may be wondering what Will is Thankful for. He wrote a Facebook status saying " I'm thankful for the people I can call my friends." He tagged me and only three other people in the status. No one in his family, I think he only put one on there since he was currently flirting with the girl. But, the other two people where a guy I don't know (which worries me) and Our old friend Amber. Amber is a girl I met 5 years ago and we instantly became like best friends. A few years later I met Will.

I say I met Will because out of the 13 years we've gone to school together I never actually talked to him. I use to admire him from afar but it didn't really click that I wanted to get to know him until one day I saw him crying. When you see someone at their weakest you see their true form, the beauty inside. When I saw him crying my motherly instincts made me feel a bond with him. Though I couldn't comfort him then because he was locked in a glass room. I knew i'd make sure he'd never have to cry again.

The next day was when I actually met him and we started talking. At that time I wouldn't say I had a crush on him but more of the need to keep him close. We got along really well.

The next year is when I fell for him. We had gym class together every day for the entire year. Basically it means that through every struggle, every time he was hurt or confused, I was there. He would ask me for advice on everything though he doesn't always listen.

He fell hard for a girl that lived in Ohio. He'd always tell me stories of how he met her and everything that happened when they met again. He asked me if he should date her and I told him that I could tell it wasn't going to go well at all and he should leave her. sadly he didn't listen and for two years he was in an abusive relationship that ended in huge drama and him attempting to kill himself.

That wasn't long ago either only a few months but every day that he was out of school because he was in the hospital, I would save him a chair. My usually overly crowded table always had that seat saved for him. When he got back He told me how Amber told him what I was doing. He told me it meant a lot to him that somebody actually cared. Everytime I think of him saying that I feel like crying because no matter what i'll always care about him and even if I get old and start losing memories. I won't forget him.

We are planning now about colleges. I'm just hoping that I go with him because I honestly don't think he can handle the cruel world we live in without me. I don't think I could survive it without him either.