THEY SAY THAT death is peaceful, that you will be at peace when it is your time to leave this life. I couldn't bring myself to tell Maria this, but earlier today was a goodbye, not a visit. The only reason the nurses allowed me to see her was because it was my last chance to.
They gave me twenty-four hours most to live. The damage to my lungs from cystic fibrosis and the explosion were too extensive. Of course, she would find out eventually, but I couldn't tell her myself. I planned to, but seeing how worried she was and the look on her face when I kissed her back, I couldn't.
In the short month I have known her, I fell in love. The kind of love you dream about when you are a child, the kind of love you see in old married couples. She seemed like the only good thing that has happened to me since I was taken to Amenity, and now I was going to lose her.
I was going to lose Anthony, and the memories of my younger sister, and I was going to lose Maria. When I returned to my room that night, I just sat and cried. I couldn't change my fate, and I couldn't deny it either. Acceptance was the only option, but it was so hard to accept what was to come.
When my time had came, I thought of the positives. Forever the optimist, as Maria would say. I would see my family again, and the pain would stop. But the truth is,
I didn't want it to. All of that pain reminded me of what was at risk, what I could lose if I was reckless. I could have saved everyone, but I could not save myself.
Moments before the medics pulled the plug, I had realized that I had made my mark on this world. I had fallen so madly in love with this incredible girl, and I broke her heart. I had a best friend and the pleasure of being Clarissa's enemy.
The truth was that I didn't want to die. I didn't want to. There was so much I wanted to say, wanted to do. I wanted to make the world a better place, I wanted to live a happy life with Maria . . .
Darkness.
It was swallowing me.
I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see.
My limbs were as light as air. Reduced to atoms?
I was floating. I was at peace.
I closed my eyes and let it come. No more pain, no more suffering, just air. All around me, taking up the space of my body.
This was peaceful. I could finally rest. The final thing I heard was a guttural sob. It weighed me down, I felt her pain.
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Faultless: A Utopian Love Story
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