Will to Way, Wilt Away

Chapter 6

Two days later, Julius invited Shiloh, me, and two more of his friends to some place called the Wasteland, which was apparently outside the back of the building. I came down to the lobby where Shiloh was sitting at his desk doodling a rose on a notepad. His doodles weren't actually doodles, though. The rocket ships and dogs scattered through the pages of my sixth grade language arts notebook were doodles. Shiloh's doodle could be mistaken for a black and white photograph of a real rose.

"Wow, you get paid to lounge around and draw," I joked to Shiloh.

"Nah, I get paid to lounge around and create," Shiloh countered.

"That was deep. Very artistic of you to say," I said. "You're actually extremely talented, though. That's crazy. Those water droplets on the petals look so real."

"Thanks! I've always been into art, but I've only pursued it on paper."

"Is there another way to pursue it?"

"Well, I've always been interested in makeup, but my parents are pretty conservative, so I couldn't try anything growing up," he explained. "But now that I live here, I could start. I just don't know where."

"I know just as much as you do. I've never owned more than a tube of lip gloss." Plus, I just love rocking that homely look everyday.

Shiloh sighed, "So, we both need boyfriends and makeup."

"Apparently."

Shiloh continued drawing, as I thought about how to phrase the questions I had for him about Julius. I spent most of the night wondering what Julius meant when he said I was the reason he was here. Quite literally, yes, I was the reason he was still here, but I sensed that wasn't entirely what Julius meant. I couldn't wrap my head around his sudden attitude shift and the role I played in his newfound bliss.

"Hey Shiloh," I said.

"Yea." He looked up from his artwork.

"What did Julius mean last night when he was talking about...." I stuttered, not knowing how to frame the question.

"About you," Shiloh finished for me.

"Yea. About me. What am I to him? I've never had somebody look at me like that."

"What? Like you're an angel?" Shiloh suggested, though I couldn't tell if he was teasing me or being serious.

"Did he tell you that?"

"Well, he didn't say it like that, but—"

"But he did say it in some way?" I interrupted.

"No, well—okay yes I guess," Shiloh gathered himself, taking a breath. "Look, after you left last night, I stayed with Julius for a few more hours. He's my best friend and I haven't seen him remotely happy since before his parents died."

I nodded my head. Shiloh struggled to put his next sentence into words.

"I—I'm not exactly sure what's going through his head. Jules, you know, I wouldn't say he's religious or church-going. But he believes in something. I don't know if it's God or some other higher power. Maybe the Matrix." I laughed as Shiloh went on, "I've asked him before, and he's not even sure what it is he believes in. He just knows that there's something bigger and beyond him. He has faith."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"I mean, Julius has always been super optimistic since I met him two years ago when I moved in. I've never met someone who has so much trust in other people. It's practically blind." Shiloh scratched his head. "So when his parents died." He froze for a second, as if those were forbidden words to speak. "When his parents died, he lost all of it. All of his faith."

Not knowing how to respond, I habitually played with my hair, untangling the dark, wavy strands that my hairbrush missed. Shiloh didn't let the silence linger.

"And then, you," he said. My hands dropped from my hair and I gazed into the evergreen forest of his eyes. "After you left last night, Julius just kept talking about you. First off, no. He didn't call you an angel. I was joking."

I laughed nervously, waiting for the inevitable "But...."

"But he did say you were his sign." I sighed. There it is. "And he said that you inexplicably came into his life at the perfect moment."

In the back of my mind, I remembered that Shiloh didn't even know about Julius' suicide attempt. Or at least, he still didn't seem to know. He likely would've brought it up if he did.

"It was how inexplicable you were to him....how you showed up right when he needed you most. That's how he knew. So whatever it is that he believes in. God, some other higher power, or you know, the Matrix." The joke wasn't as funny this time as angst and discomfort grew inside of me. "He thinks you were a gift from...." Shiloh searched for the right word. "It."

I considered myself agnostic, teetering between belief and skepticism depending on my mood. If something good happened to me, stars became heavenly bodies, the shirt on my back was a blessing, a coupon for Baskin Robbins was a divine donation to my sweet tooth, and a pigeon shitting on a park bench was a symbol of flight and freedom. If something bad happened to me, stars were blistering bombs ready to detonate and swallow the universe, the shirt on my back was a means to cover my muffin top, a coupon for Baskin Robbins was a satanic temptation that would make me need an even bigger shirt to cover my muffin top, and a pigeon shitting down on a park bench was a pigeon shitting on a park bench. Usually only bad things happen to me, so I was basically a chronic, downbeat cynic. Julius' belief that I was some gift or omen from his faith was absurd. I was not an angelic savior sent from above; I was a lost, diffident, pessimistic loser who just so happened to seek out McDonald's right when a boy was about to take his own life.

"Do you agree with Julius?" I asked.

"About there being some higher power? I don't know about God. I mean, maybe. But the Matrix. I'm 99.99 percent sure. Keanu had me convinced."

I couldn't even convince myself to fake a laugh. "What about me? Do you actually think I'm a sign?"

"Maybe you are. Maybe you aren't," Shiloh said solemnly. "All I know is that Julius has been broken for five months. He only left the house for groceries, and he barely had human interaction. And you know, this is the first time since his parents' passing that we're all hanging out again. Me, him, Aria, and Indi. We're all best friends, and we always hung out together until everything happened. Then he basically pushed all of us away. And then you came along. Julius is happy, and we're all getting together again," Shiloh explained.

"Shiloh, I'm not some kind of angel. I don't have enough faith to fill my pinky. And my sole purpose for moving to Napa was to escape my parents, not to be a heavenly messenger between a guy and his deceased parents," I uttered, desperately trying to get Shiloh to agree with me.

Shiloh gazed into my eyes. "Aspen, I don't know if he thinks you're his guardian angel, or his savior, or even his fairy godmother for crying out loud. But whatever it is that you are to him, you're bringing him back to us. So thank you."

I became lost in the dense green forest of Shiloh's eyes, directionless and afraid.