Will to Way, Wilt Away

Chapter 18

A growing layer of dust covered every inch of the oak hardwood in my apartment. The once butterscotch floors now appeared ash gray, the true color only present in the trails of footsteps I left behind. I also spotted a few spiders in various corners of my living room and bedroom, though only the small, thin kind, which never bothered me.

However, last week I saw a massive brown spider scurry into the empty room to the left of my kitchen. Instead of having to look the spider in its eight eyes and squish it to death, I shoved a towel in the gap between the floor and the door to trap it inside that room. I tried to look up what kind of spider it was to see if it could murder me in my sleep, but the most precise search I could do was 'genus: ginormous insectum, species: horrificus.'

Even though that room remained unused since I moved in four months ago, I decided that it would now remain that way for another two years, which Google said was the average lifespan of spiders. Despite all of this, I made no effort to clean, maintain, or decorate my apartment. The only time I was ever here was when I slept. I spent most of the day in Julius' apartment or in the Wasteland.

In my normal cycle of outfits, I now entered the phase where I wore my dirty black jeans from Wednesday, but with a different top. For this overcast Saturday, I went for my signature lavender sweater that always remained soft no matter how many times I washed it.

I just finished tying my moderately greasy hair in a bun when I heard Julius' typical knock pattern at my front door. At this point, he never texted me to tell me when he would pick me up for the day's activities. We both just assumed that he would knock on my door, and I would be ready to go.

"Coming!" I shouted from my bathroom.

Today, Julius selected a muted green polo paired with slate gray pants. The apprehensive expression on his face indicated that he had something important to tell me.

"Hey, I think we're all going to go to Target today. We each need to pick up some stuff, and we can just grab some breakfast at the Starbucks inside the store," Julius said.

"Okay, cool," I replied while fixing some loose strands hanging from my topknot. "So who's going?"

"Aria, Indi, Shi, and Dakota."

Shiloh and Kota definitely hit it off. They went on their three month anniversary date two days ago at some fancy French restaurant called La Toque. I definitely saw Shiloh less often now, but he seemed happier than ever.

"Are we leaving now?"

"Nah, Aria texted me saying she needs a few minutes to finish her eyeshadow," Julius responded.

"Oh, okay," I said uncomfortably, not expecting that response. This was the part where I was supposed to invite Julius inside my grimy, spider-infested apartment while we waited for Aria. We always ate and watched TV in his place, but Julius had not been here since the first week I moved in. He looked expectantly at me, shifting his weight back-and-forth from his toes to his heels.

I exhaled in defeat. "Uh, come on in," I said while extending my arm to gesture him inside.

"Oh! Thank you," Julius replied, as if he wasn't waiting to infiltrate my apartment.

He walked into my living room and did a 360 spin, his wide eyes and hanging jaw configuring a look of astonishment upon his face. "Wow," he remarked. And by 'Wow' he meant 'No couch? Coffee table? TV? Is that a family of spiders over there?'

"I wanted to go for that minimalist vibe," I ridiculously claimed.

Julius peeped his head into my open bedroom door. "Aspen! You've been sleeping on the floor?"

"No!" I refuted. "I've been sleeping on an air mattress....on the floor."

"I wish I knew you needed furniture. I gave away all of my parents' old stuff to a bunch of my relatives."

"No, no, really I'm fine. I'm barely in here," I justified. He, of all people, should have known that.

"Yea, but Aspen, this is your home. You should make it feel that way," Julius solemnly said. "You should buy some furniture and decor at Target today."

"Okay, I will," I readily agreed, trying to get Julius to remove the bothered expression from his face. "Really, Julius. I will. Don't worry."

Julius nodded and put his forearms on the dusty kitchen island, leaning against the countertop in place of the chairs I didn't have. "Well, anyway, those were some fireworks last night, huh?"

I hopped onto the counter, sitting next to his arms. "I know right. It was a very pleasant surprise."

"Definitely." Julius lifted himself onto the island and sat next to me. "I actually used to watch the New Year's Eve firework show over Aspen mountain each year. When I was little, my dad would hoist me up on his shoulders so I would feel closer to the sky. I gazed straight upwards at the fireworks, and the crowds of people around me just faded away, like they didn't even exist," Julius explained with a blissful smile. "It felt as if I was floating among my own galaxy of shimmering rainbow stars. My mom always wrapped her arms around my ankles though, so I never felt like I was drifting away from home. I never left her orbit."

"That's a beautiful story. I can only imagine what it must have been like," I said, unable to picture a childhood as happy as his.

"You know what it's like," Julius answered. "Yesterday, that anticipation as each firework flew into the sky and then the feeling of pure awe as each one momentarily lit up the sky. That's what it was like."

His words brought back those same wonderstruck feelings I had last night.

"Last winter was the first New Year's Eve that I missed the firework show because of....you know," Julius paused.

I nodded my head so he didn't need to say the miserable words out loud.

"I think that was one of the worst parts about all of this happening. I've watched that firework show every year since I was born. It was how my family and I rang in every new year." He began picking at his fingernails uneasily. "Not seeing it this winter reminded me of how I was starting the new year: Alone."

"I'm so sorry." I knew Julius hated when I said this to him, but sometimes there were simply no other adequate words.

Julius shook his head at my sympathy and went on, "Then the fireworks last night started, and it all made sense. My parents may not have been there," he looked up from his hands and stared directly into my eyes, "but you were."

"What do you mean?" I asked, knowing exactly what he meant. He meant that after his parents died, he lost the feeling of sitting high upon his dad's shoulders, beholding a plethora of stars that used the brief spark within them to illuminate the raven night sky, just for him. At the same time, he no longer had his mom to keep him down on earth, her gravity dying with her. Unable to drift to the stars while also powerlessly searching to find his footing on the ground, Julius was suspended in a fragile limbo between faith and hopelessness. Then I met him, dangling nine stories about death and trekking on glass that was already half-broken, not in form but in fate. I safely guided him back to earth and gave him a sense of reunion with his parents, who now lived among the stars....for all I knew. But regardless of what I knew about life after death, I knew what Julius meant.

And he knew it, too. He didn't address my question, at least not verbally. Instead, he gave me a moment to be alone with my thoughts in silence, deciphering this all for myself.

I didn't think anything of our blind friendship anymore. If he saw me as a sign from God or a spiritual link to his parents, then I was glad to be that source of healing for him. Because even if I initially saw him as a charity case, I now saw him as my own way out.

We both smiled sitting upon my kitchen countertop, feeling at peace with our lives, or lack thereof. The ignorance was bliss.