My Snarky Tutor(Boyxboy)

Chapter Thirty-Eight

I want to give up on life. I felt like I had to cut myself in punishment. I really wanted to. But I couldn't. I didn't have the guts to do either of those things. Or maybe I still secretly believe that things will get better for me. But when? I've been waiting for it for nearly all my life so it almost seemed like it was impossible.

There was a knock on my bedroom door and I lazily made a noise to let my grandpa know I was awake. He was slightly opened the door and asked if I wanted dinner now or later. I told him later and he simply said okay left me alone. It's been a couple of weeks since I moved out and I haven't really gotten out of bed. Shocker, right? But also...I dropped out of school, right before exams. It sounded stupid but I wasn't going to pass exams anyways. Sorry, but I wasn't the type of person to but my personal affairs aside and work on school. It seems like the tutoring I've been through with Eric was all a waste.But seriously, what was I expecting? To become a straight A, intelligent student right after. It was a nice thought...

As for Eric...I haven't really seen him. He has texted me, asking if I was okay and why he hasn't seen me at school. I told him that I needed to be by myself now. He didn't ask questions, he told me that i could call him anytime and he'd automatically be there for me.

I was thinking about breaking things off with him...whatever it was between us. It was best to do this now because he was going to graduate in a week or so and then go yo university. We'll grow apart from each other and move on.Teenage love rarely lasts anyways. There are other people in the world. I know that...but I don't want to accept it. At all.

I stayed buried under all of my covers to get away from the light on the ceiling. I'd turn it off but I don't want it to be pitch dark. I turned up the music on my ipod and let out a huge sigh. 

Was I always going to be like this? I've been wanting to cut myself again...i really want to but...i keep remember Eric crying...and I can't...shit... I'm so sick of it. I'm sick of everything...Can things get better for me? Please? 

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Another week has passed and I was sitting in the living room, switching the channels of the television but nothing seemed watchable. What happened to television? Why are majority of the show complete shit right now?

I gave up and chose a random cooking channel as I laid on the couch. Yesterday was Eric's graduation. I knew I didn't have the right to attend after I just ditched him. And through text at that. And besides, if I attended the graduation, I would break down into tears, telling him everything that has happened. I needed to stand on my own two feet for once. Besides, Eric deserves someone without so much baggage. Someone who loves themselves and is happy, mature and as intelligent as he was. That just isn't me, no much I wanted to be true. We weren't meant for each other...

My grandpa walked into the room, kissed me good morning on the head and went into the kitchen to make breakfast. He had let me know that he wouldn't bother me and would let me stay home but by the end of the year, I had to get a job or go back to school.

I got up from the couch and walked into the kitchen. He had taken the eggs out and placed them on the counter. Before he could begain to cook them, I hugged him.

"Thank you for everything." I told him. I had said htis before but once didn't feel like enough. It wasn't for him...I wouldn't know what to do...Honestly...he was the best person in my life right now...him and Eric...

"Anything for you pumpkin." he hugged me back and then he asked if I felt like eating at the dining table today. I didn't feel up for it but it was selfish of me to always lock myself up in my room and have all of my meals in there. So I had agreed. For the first time in a while, he flashed me a really big smile. This made me smile as well. He told me that he'll call me as soon as the food was done. I went back to the living room. I blankly watched the channel for a few minutes and then went back to my room. I picked up my phone and stared at Eric's contact name. It was still "Mr.Grumpy" after all this time...I had thought about changing it but...it brought back memories of earlier days...before I fell for him.

I took a deep breath before sending him a text.

"Sorry, I don't think we'll work out as a couple. I'm not ready. You deserve more than me. But that doesn't mean I love you any less."

My heart raced like crazy, as i typed it. i quickly sent it. 

I should've known better. What was I thinking getting involved with Dustin and falling for Eric when I'm like this?

I should've realized this before..That dating someone can't magically fix all of your problems.And you can't truly be with someone unless you love yourself first. Or things like this happen. Things get way too complicated to be dealt with