Stuck in the Middle

Chapter 11

I leaned closer to Marc, melting into the kiss. This time was different than our first kiss. Maybe it was because I was expecting it. Or maybe because I wasn't in the middle of an anxiety attack.

Either way, I didn't want the kiss to end.

His hand cupped my face, bringing me even closer to him. I wrapped my arms around his neck. He tasted a bit like barbeque sauce, but I didn't mind at all.

Eventually, he broke the kiss. We stayed inches away from each other, though. Our breaths mixed in the small space between us. I didn't dare open my eyes, not wanting the moment to end.

Then he moved his hand away and I looked at him, lowering my own arms. I could barely see him in the dark, just a hint of a smile on his face.

"Wow," he breathed.

I nodded, unable to form a single word. I wouldn't know what to say even if I could.

We sat in silence for a few moments. The crickets were still chirping around us, but I could barely hear them. All I could focus on was Marc sitting next to me, replaying the feel of his lips on mine over and over again in my mind.

I wanted to kiss him again, but I had used all my confidence telling him to kiss me before.

Eventually, I broke the silence. "What are we doing?" I whispered.

"Do you not want this?"

His words were almost an echo of what John had said earlier. I shook my head, trying to rid my brain of all thoughts of him. "I don't know what this is," I admitted.

Marc sighed, turning his gaze out to the street. "I really like you, Spencer. I want to be with you, if you want to be with me. But I don't think I'm ready for people to know right now."

"Know about me specifically or about you not being straight?"

He looked at me again, reaching over to grab my hand. "You're great, really. But I have this reputation around here..."

I nodded slowly. I wanted to say that it didn't matter, but I knew better than anyone that that wasn't true. It was why I had to transfer here. But I also knew that I chose this school because it was different than my old one. I wasn't going to get judged for being gay here. I had a feeling Marc wouldn't either, although I was never a popular kid. Maybe he had different rules to follow.

"I definitely can't have John know," Marc said quietly.

John was probably the last person allowed to judge Marc for being into guys, but I couldn't say that out loud. I was fairly certain John wanted to keep what he felt toward me a secret, too.

"Can I ask," I started. "What is going on with you and him? Why do you always argue?"

Marc's hand was still holding mine and he began playing with my fingers. We were both watching our hands - a starking contrast between our skin tones - instead of each other while he spoke. "To be honest, I don't know. We're just both really competitive, I guess. Then that competitiveness just turned into arguing over everything."

I wondered what would happen when they found out they both liked me. Was it worth getting caught in the middle of them?

"I want to be with you," Marc said after a moment, when I stayed quiet. "But I've never felt like this before. I'm scared."

I squeezed his hand in an act of comfort. He never pegged me as someone who would get scared and hearing the fear in his voice made my heart ache for him.

But I had no clue what to say. I had been quiet for so long now, but I didn't know what I wanted. Of course, I knew I wanted Marc. I wanted to date him and kiss him again and be with him. I had wanted that since the first time I laid eyes on him, which was only a week ago. So much had happened this week and I felt like I was stuck.

"Do you think we..." Marc sighed, taking his hand away from mine. "Sorry, I don't know what I'm asking."

I looked at him again. I wished we were closer to the street light so that I could see him better, but there was something about sitting in the dark that felt right.

"I like you, too," I said quietly. "But do you just want to keep this causal for now? Like, no commitment or anything? At least, until you know exactly what you want?"

Part of me wondered if I'd regret suggesting that, but it was too late to take the words back. If he'd be okay with that, then I'd be okay with it, too. I had never had a real relationship before, so this was all new to me. What happened with Jordan was a weird situation and it never should have happened, especially not the way it did. But I knew, without a doubt, that whatever was going to happen with Marc would work out better than all that.

"You'd be okay with that?" Marc asked, echoing my thoughts. "Because I think that might actually help. There's another party with the Bowen girls tomorrow after the football game. If I'm not acting like myself, everyone will know there's something wrong with me."

"Liking guys isn't wrong."

"I know that, I do. That came out wrong, I'm sorry." He took a shaky breath and I grabbed his hand again. "I just don't know how to tell people yet and I'm sorry you're getting involved in my issues."

"It's okay, I promise."

He pressed a gentle kiss to my lips. It was over faster than I wanted, but I didn't mind. I was just glad I was able to kiss him, after so many days of dreaming about it.

A shout from the end of the street made us both turn to look. There were a group of people, probably other students, headed our way. Marc quickly pulled his hand out of mine and slid a couple inches back.

I didn't blame him, especially after what he'd just told me. But I could barely make out any of his features sitting right next to him in the dark. I doubted they'd be able to tell who we were, especially from all the way down the street.

Whatever was going on with Marc and me was different, that's for sure. But we'd make it work. I just knew we would.