Stuck in the Middle

Chapter 16

"I can explain," I said to Marc.

John put his hand up. "You shouldn't be the one explaining anything, Spence," he said. "That's on me."

I was glad he seemed like he was finally going to admit what was happening between us to someone else. But he had no idea that I needed to explain myself to Marc, too. I couldn't imagine what this all might look like to him. Right after he admitted he loved me, I'm making out with our other, supposedly straight roommate.

"I'm bi," John said. "Spencer's hot. What can I say?"

Marc scoffed, shaking his head. "I can't believe this," he seethed. "John, I get. But you, Spencer? I expected a whole lot better from you."

"Just let me explain!" I exclaimed.

Marc only shook his head again, grabbing one of his textbooks. "There's nothing you can say to make this better." Without another word, he rushed out of the room.

I ran after him. "Marc, wait! Please!"

He turned around when he reached the elevator. "You can forget all about what I said before. It's not true." The elevator doors opened and he stepped on. "I'll be back Sunday night."

I kept standing there, in the middle of the lobby, staring at the closed elevator door. Other students were around, probably wondering what all that was about, but I didn't care. Part of me hoped that Marc would come back and I could actually talk to him.

Eventually, I had to give up that hope. He wasn't coming back until Sunday, he made that fairly clear. Besides, I still had to talk to John. I could only guess at what he was thinking right now.

It was only when I got to my door that I realized I had left everything inside when I ran after Marc. My keys, my phone, even my shoes. I knocked on the door, hoping John was still there.

When a few seconds passed and I heard no movement from the inside the room, I knocked again, harder this time. "John?" I tried calling. "It's me. You in there?"

Still nothing.

With a sigh, I sat down on the floor, my back against the door. I didn't have any other option but to wait.

I hadn't seen John leave but, then again, I was focused on Marc. John could have easily slipped by me and gone down the stairs if he wanted to leave the building completely. But why would he leave? Because I ran after Marc? He didn't know what I've been doing with Marc. He had no reason to be upset with me yet.

Someone walked up next to me and stopped. I slowly looked up, hoping it was John but, instead, it was TJ. He was looking down at me, seemingly confused as to why I was sitting in the hallway.

"Hi," I said. "I got locked out."

He shook his head with a small smile. "Of course you did. But I'm headed over to the LGBT club. You ready to go?"

"I can't go tonight." Even if I weren't locked out of my room without any of my belongings, I really needed to talk to John. I couldn't push off that conversation.

Thankfully, TJ didn't argue with me. I knew how much that club meant to him, and I wanted to put all my efforts into it, too. I had been to two meetings already and they were a whole lot of fun. But, with everything else going on, I couldn't go tonight.

I watched him walk back down the hallway, his hands tucked into the front pockets of his jeans. As soon as he was out of sight, I saw the bathroom door open and John stepped out. His hair was wet and a damp towel hung over his arm.

I stood when he got closer, but he didn't say a word to me as he unlocked the door. I followed him inside, not sure what to say. There was so much I should say, but how did I begin?

As soon as the door closed, John spoke. "I should thank you," he said, tossing his towel onto the top of his dresser. "For trying to get Marc to not hate me. But it's pointless. He's going to hate me no matter what. Whether or not I'm bi."

"That's not true." I took a deep breath, trying to figure out if I should tell John the whole truth or not. "If he were homophobic in any way, he'd hate me, too. He doesn't." Maybe he did now, but I didn't want to think about that.

I was going to say more, but John walked over and kissed me. It wasn't as forceful as our kiss earlier. Instead, it was soft and gentle and perfect.

I kissed him back, all other thoughts having completely disappeared from my mind. All I wanted in that moment was him.

John led me over to his bed, never breaking the kiss. He sat down on the edge of it, which made kissing him a whole lot easier, since he was down to my height. I wrapped my arms around his neck, pressing my chest against his as I fit myself between his legs. We kissed and we touched each other and his tounge was in my mouth. The passion and intensity from earlier was back, full force.

Suddenly, I was laying on the bed, looking up as John hovered over me. He smiled before sliding my shirt over my head. I let him kiss down my chest, loving the feel of his lips on my skin, blazing like fire.

My fingers clung to his shirt, bunching it up until it was practically off him anyway. In one swift motion, he pulled it over his head, letting it drop somewhere on the floor with mine.

An image of Marc flashed through my mind, when he looked at me just before the elevator door closed. And an echo of his earlier words played over and over again: I expected a whole lot better from you.

I stopped John just before he unzippered my jeans, putting my hands over his.

"What's wrong?" he asked, looking up at me with his big blue eyes.

I shook my head and sat up, sliding out from under his toned, attractive, so very tempting body. "I can't do this," I said softly. "I'm sorry."

I felt guilty for hurting Marc. For hurting John, even though he doesn't know the truth yet. I spent almost a month sneaking around with both of them and it finally came back to bite me.

"Are you okay?"

When I saw John looking at me like that, I forgot all about how rude he was to everyone else all the time. He really did care about me and I hated that every second I spent with him when he didn't yet know the truth was hurting both of us. He might not know it yet, but he'd feel it all once he found out. Since Marc found out about John, there was no way Marc's secret would stay hidden much longer.

I shook my head, reaching down to grab my shirt off the floor. I didn't know what to say or how much to say. All I knew was that I was feeling incredibly guilty for what I've been doing with both of them for the last few weeks. I thought I wanted them both, but I didn't want it like this. I didn't want to hurt anyone.

But all I've ever seemed to do was hurt the people closest to me. Maybe it's always been all my fault.

I stood and John tried getting me to stay, reaching his arms around my waist. I felt so bad that I couldn't tell him what I was feeling. I wanted to, but I couldn't.

"I'm sorry," I said instead, removing my hands from my body. "I just need to sleep."

"Sleep in my bed."

I shook my head before stepping on the bottom rung of my ladder. "I'm sorry," I repeated.

He was still watching me as I pulled my blanket over my head. I hated hiding, but I didn't know what to do. Not without outing Marc and losing John, too, in the process.

I listened to John move around the room for a minute. Then, without him saying another word to me, I heard the door slam shut behind him. I didn't know where he was going, but I felt guilty for making him feel like he needed to leave.

I wanted him, I did. But not unless there were no more secrets. No more sneaking around. The only problem was that it wasn't my secret to tell, which made everything so much harder.