Taylor

Chapter Thirteen

The excessive knocking on my front door was impossible to ignore. I tried, but the person on the other side wasn't going to leave me alone. I knew that because I knew it was Luke. Emily would still be working and he was the only one who would bang on my door like that.

"Come on, Taylor," I heard his faint voice through the front door. "I want to talk to you."

Irritation flared up inside of me as I stood abruptly, the movement causing my head to feel light. I stumbled to the door and jerked it open to glare at Luke. "I don't want you here."

He glanced at the bottle in my hands, then into my eyes. There was no judgment behind his blue-green eyes, only concern; but that concern was more annoying than if he were judging me. I didn't need his concern or his care. I just needed to be left alone.

"Emily told me what happened."

Shutting the door in his face was an automatic response, not intentional. But, instead of opening it back up, I turned on my heel and went back to my couch, and bottle, lifting it to my lips and taking a swig.

Luke swung my door open and stepped inside, stopping in front of me and blocking my view of the TV. I refused to meet his gaze. My eyes stayed focused on his thin stomach until he squatted down in front of me to get me to look at his face. But my eyes went back to the now—barely—visible TV instead.

"She's not upset with you. She's only worried—"

"Worried?" I cut him off loudly, finally looking into his eyes. "I don't need her or you to worry about me. I just need you guys to stay away."

Luke's eyes softened. "I brought your truck back... would you like to see it?" He pulled my key from his pocket and handed it to me.

I immediately tossed the key onto the coffee table. What I really wanted, was for Luke to just go the hell away and stop trying to act like it was his business to save me. "I'll look at it later. Thanks." I took another long drink from the bottle as I stared at him.

He watched, his eyes never leaving mine as he waited for me to finish. When I had, he took the bottle from me and stood up, backing away enough that I couldn't just take it back.

"Alcohol isn't going to fix your problems, Taylor. It's only going to mask them."

"That's fine."

He sighed. "You deserve to—"

"Do not act like you know what I deserve at this point. We were friends, Luke. We aren't now. You don't know anything about me."

"I'm still your friend whether your ass likes it or not." Luke's eyebrows lowered angrily. "Just because I don't know everything that happened to you in the last four years, doesn't mean I don't know anything about you. Regardless of your anger, I know you're still you. Your personality is the same even if it is being hidden by a hardened mask. So, why don't you do us both a favor and stop acting like you don't give a shit!"

I jerked to my feet and grabbed my bottle from Luke. The fact that he flinched slightly made my stomach twist uncomfortably. He probably had every right to flinch. Not just because of what happened with Emily, but also because of what I had done in the past. I still remembered it and I still hated myself for it. At the time, it was just the first reaction my body had when Luke had told me he was in love with me. But it was a messed up reaction to have. I knew that now more than ever.

There was no way of knowing the pain I had actually caused him. Not physically, but emotionally. It had to of hurt. He had gotten the courage up to tell his best friend how he felt, and it had been reciprocated with physical pain instead of understanding. Because I was an asshole. But the shock from him telling me the truth wasn't the only reason it had happened. His words created a twisting sensation in the pit of my stomach that scared me. I knew that sensation well enough from girls I had hooked up with. But feeling it from a guy? And my best friend? I shook my head. It still wasn't an excuse to have hit him.

I relaxed my shoulders and calmed down. "I don't give a shit, Luke. Okay?" But that wasn't true. Even if I hated that I cared, I knew I still did. How could I not?

He rolled his eyes, clearly seeing past my attempt at pushing him away. "I'm not going to let you do that. You might not think so, but you obviously need someone to be there for you."

"And you think I want it to be you? The one person that reminds me of what a shitty person I am?"

He furrowed his eyebrows. "What? I don't think that about you at all—"

"That's your problem, Luke! You don't think that about me because you allow that soft heart of yours to find forgiveness for people who don't even deserve it! It's ridiculous! You still have it in your head that we were some awesome, best friend duo. Like you've forgotten what kind of person I really was and how I actually treated you."

His eyes fell to the floor. "I haven't forgotten." His words were quieter now. "I also haven't forgotten the times you stood up for me. The times you proved you cared despite your own stupidity. And... I haven't forgotten the way you reacted when I told you I was gay. Do you remember that, Taylor?"

It seemed like a stupid question. Of course I remembered that day. How could I forget something like that? It had taken me by complete surprise. One minute we were playing Call of Duty and I was kicking his ass, the next he was admitting he liked boys.

Luke let out a huff of air in a half-laugh. "Do you remember what you said? 'I don't care.' And then you went back to the game." His eyes found mine once again, but this time they were sad. "I guess you cared a little more than you thought, though."

"No." I shook my head and sighed. "I never cared that you were gay."

"Have you forgotten how you acted around me after you found out? The way you avoided going to certain places with me. The way you didn't want to get close to me. The way you let Sabrina get between us."

"That's not because I had a problem with you and your gayness." He didn't say anything, clearly waiting for me to explain. It was stupid of me to have opened my mouth. He didn't need to know the truth. "It doesn't—"

"Matter?" He cut me off immediately and laughed humorlessly. "You don't think it matters for me to know why you treated me that way when you were my best friend?"

"You still don't understand?" I shook my head and took another drink of my whiskey. I had hoped at some point he would have figured it out. "It had nothing to do with you being gay. I never cared about that. What I cared about was... was how it made me feel. You told me I was just curious. How could I be curious unless I was actually attracted to you?"

The furrow in his forehead deepened and it made me want to shake him. He still couldn't seem to put it together. He still couldn't seem to understand how there could be any part of me that could care as more than a friend.

"It was real, Luke! Do you understand now? I wanted you to be mine! Not Will's!" My jaw clenched and unclenched as I tried to calm down.

Luke shook his head as if refusing to believe me.

"That first time I kissed you, yeah I was drunk. But I was acting off a thought I had been mulling over in my head since you had told me you were gay. Alcohol just gave me an excuse. But every time after that? How can you not see why?"

"You were going through a lot." That was his only response and it instantly irked me.

"Is that why I want to kiss you now? Because I'm going through a lot?" I instantly regretted the admission. He wasn't supposed to know that. He didn't need to know that. He needed to go away. That's what the hell he needed to do. "Just leave, Luke. Okay? I'm done."

"You can't say that and then kick me out."

"Like hell I can't!" I stepped closer to Luke and grabbed the front of his shirt. "Leave before I do something I regret." The words came out more menacingly than I had meant. Luke coward back slightly, but then lifted his head in defiance and squared his shoulder.

"You going to hit me if I don't leave, Taylor?"

"Hit you?" I stared him down. I hated that he asked that. I didn't want to hit him. I never wanted to hit him again. But even if I did want to, I doubted it would make him leave. I knew what would though.

I jerked him forward and crashed my lips against his.