Fears!

chapter 5

It's hard, how could I do that?all the questions I have am I crazy ?what was I thinking? My family never sees my accomplishments they only see my mistakes.I'm such a fool how could I do that to myself.

Everyday my head is spinning no one can know! I'll be done for they'll all think I've lost it.i thought I left it all behind,I got a new start but i ruined everything I'm to blame,the sorority gave me power I never had the power of freedom but was I really free?or only fooling myself?

Cathy calls Misha. Girl I'm so sorry they all reacted like that they...they were right Cathy I have to act like I'm grown up I'm already in the sorority and my academics are looking good but I'm never good enough am I ?ever since I let Calvin die...its not your fault girl...I could've stopped it but fear got the best of me.oh come on girl. Cathy what if I was a horrible person would you still love me ? Uh uh yes I would.

Okay but all these fears are controlling me I can't even think straight I'm losing myself to my demons I can't help but some how they help me feel more human and sane I don't know whether this is real or just another dream I want to escape reality so bad but my fears keep me awake I can hear voices and these voices are so real it's like they are really there.

Cathy what if this is who I am now...you just experiencing something new...no Cathy it's like I'm an unfinished song but I have to find the missing lyrics but these lyrics however are my fears.

You just talking in riddles Misha I'm sure you just need to mourn the death of Kisha and Calvin you need to heal. Oh really Cathy and how do I do that I'm telling you I'm a broken glass you can't put it together and expect it not to leak it will show that it was shattered no matter how hard you try I'm just like that maybe this was...keep quiet girl enough!I'm tired of this nonsense you are not thinking straight maybe you should go lie down. I don't need a dictator I need a cousin...she said to me so softly as if she was about to cry. Little did she know that...

Are you okay Misha?Cathy kept on asking me but I was already lost in my own world the place where I escape reality.yes I'm fine Cathy let's sit down and you can play with my hair like old times,I'd love that a lot it's been long ,yes it has. As she fiddled with my hair I got lost into my thoughts I could no longer hear the outside world all I could hear was Andrew's voice and he kept on telling me how much I mean to him oh his blue eyes I could get lost in those pools of deep oceanic blue the crystal in his smile I could only say oh my dream.

I was then woken up by a deep loud voice yelling my name Misha oh my goodness its Andrew ,of course its Andrew. Andrew came where I was sitting with Cathy so Cathy decided to leave me with him...I'm leaving I have to go visit my friend ,oh okay see you later then .

Alone as we where I could not see myself beyond his blue eyes and the fact that I love him so much but I can't have him because of...Misha I came here to tell you that I'll be heading to Mexico for 2 weeks wait what!did I hear you correctly drew you can't leave what am I supposed to do without you?what do you mean Misha, nothing never mind what I just said. Okay can I hug you? Yes you can I replied his arms widened I leaned in of course him being tall I had to tiptoe but this time it was different he picked me up and he hugged me his perfume was so strong I could be drugged by it he gave me a tight hug I swear I could feel myself finally being loved but how could I let myself be mesmerized like this half the things I'm afraid of its because of him but I couldn't help myself no matter how hard I tried he always found a way to my heart. He let go but I pulled him and said please don't let go,he kissed me on my cheek and said I'd be back soon okay.

The wind was howling I felt the change in the weather my heart started racing I panicked  aunt Agatha yelled get inside children! I ran to the tool shack. Surprisingly Cathy is here and she is just shocked to see me, I asked her Cathy what are you doing here oh sorry I was meant to be meeting with someone and he didn't show up so this is my crying place she said. Oh I'm so sorry girl. It's a weird weather we having.yes it is so you and Andrew how about that,oh come on he has a girlfriend and I just can't no Matter how much I like him ,oh so you admit it agh of course I do he's just so.... Misha are you okay uhm yeah it's just that my heard is spinning and I feel dizzy oh sit down on the wooden chair. Thank you.

Girls hurry up!aunt Agatha we can't it's too windy! Come on girls I got you! As we ran towards aunt i felt a little at ease,she grabbed us and we ran to the house. I got there and heart started pounding I couldn't breathe I started ventilating Cathy came to me and asked if I was fine but I couldn't tell her the truth so I just nodded my head so she tried to calm me down saying Misha just breathe she repeated the words just breathe.

Cathy I'm fine really, okay if you say so. We sat together I tried to tell her what I'm actually afraid of. Hey Cathy I wanna tell you something...okay shoot I'm all ears,alright well I uhm I ,well spit it out already! Misha's phone starts to ring oh my goodness its Andrew I have to take this real quickly... okay
As I went to my room I answered the call. Hey Mish he said in his deep masculine voice and I just melted straight away I answered back hey drew, are you good?yeah I'm fine but I can't stop thinking about you know. Calm down Misha  we oh no Drew it's all me. Will you keep quiet!  Okay fine as I was saying we need to figure out a way to stop you from trying to say anything to anyone. Okay I hear you. I have to go we'll talk okay bye drew.

I'm just in a recurring nightmare and no one understands the pain or the misery I'm going through I cant get that night out of my head I can't live like this its making me lose myself but maybe I lost myself a long time ago.

Girls! Hurry up and come downstairs we need to make some dinner. Coming mom! Misha let's go stop your mumbling and come downstairs oh okay..I have to say this first I'm haha I know you in love with Andrew Cathy what did you Just! You heard me anyways let's go we'll talk later if only she knew what I wanted to say I feel like I'm in a movie of some sort and I want to get out oh please someone rescue me! Let's go hurry up stop looking so lost.okay I'm coming.