Breathe

Ch. 21 FYI

Hello everyone! Sorry that this isn't a new chapter, but I felt like I needed to do some explaining about Penny's part in this story.

I've been working on this story for a couple of years now and I have loved every second of it! Some of you are aware that mental heath is a big deal with me and that was what drew me to the book 13 Reasons Why as well as the show. Having been teaching teenagers these last two years, I can safely say that this book/show is something that I speak to my students about a lot. Even before that, in college, I was a part of multiple mental health panels and was interviewed for a newspaper about the struggles of dealing with mental health. In the next year I'm actually planning to start the studies towards get my masters in psychology in order to better help my students.

Anyways, when I started this book it was because I had a story I wanted to tell and saw that it would fit well with what the show stood for.

That story was my story.

I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder as well as major depression in the summer of 2016, just a few months shy of my 20th birthday. However, I had been suffering from both of these diseases for several years already.

When I was 17, just before my senior year of high school, I nearly attempted suicide by overdosing on pain pills I found in my mother's bathroom. I had been struggling for two years with dark thoughts and a large amount of pressure that I had put on myself after my father left. I would've likely killed myself that day if my 13 year old brother hadn't found me in the bathroom. Let me be clear, he had no clue what I had been about to do, he simply came to the bathroom complaining that I was taking too long. To this day he, nor the rest of my family, has any clue about what almost happened that day.

For the next two years I struggled with self harm, but somehow managed to hide it. The one time my mother noticed a cut on my forearm I was able to shrug it off that I'd nicked myself while doing work in the kitchen I was working at at the time. It wasn't until the spring of 2016 that someone noticed what was going on.

My first year at college was hard. It got to the point where I bought a knife to kill myself in my dorm. However, my roommate came back from work early so in order to hide the knife I hid it in a blanket in a bag and gave it to my RA, lying and saying it was a birthday gift for a friend that I needed to hide. She never knew the truth.

It was just a few weeks after that that two of my friends noticed the pale scars that littered either of my wrists. My one friend was helping crack my back in the lounge on our floor when she and another girl noticed a fresh cut on my arm, my sleeve having risen. This is the moment that inspired Penny's tape.

So many people have commented on Chapter 21 of this book about how stupid and ridiculous Hannah's tape for Penny was. Yes, it does seem out there but it really happened in a way. That day in the lounge several girls (including my two friends) spoke out bluntly about the cut and started questioning me in the crowded room. It was terrifying and sent me running to my room where I hid the rest of the day.

Luckily my friends rethought their approach and spoke to me privately the next day. They understood that I didn't want to tell my family, as my mother was having serious health issues at the time and my cousin had just been in a serious car accident the previous November. They kept my secret but encouraged me to use the free counseling our campus offered as well as see a doctor for medication.

Now in 2020, I still struggle with my mental health (who isn't this year?) but I don't let it control me. My family knows of my diagnosis now, though not of what led me to it, and offer me support— Just as I have offered several of my own students support the last couple of years. While I am no longer in therapy or on medication I have found other ways to help myself: diet, exercise, writing, volunteering, and an emotional support animal. I was not attempted nor made a plan in three years and I have no practiced self harm techniques for almost nineteen months.

I know this was all something that many of you might not care to know, but I felt the need to share my story after seeing so many comments about Penny's character/backstory.

Please know that if you ever need to talk I am more than willing to lend an ear (or eyes since it's Wattpad). As dark and isolated as you may feel from time to time, you are never truly alone.

💛