Flowers in the window (r.v.d)

chapter twenty-nine

The main song for this chapter is awkward duet by sons and daughters. This song... is literally the most abstract and personal song and you may feel uncomfortable listening to it but that's why it's called awkward duet and I think it's absolutely wonderful. 

The song someone to you by banners also helped me write this :)

Essentially, just put any sad song you know on repeat and read on...

Note: Suicide is a prominent theme in this chapter, just letting you all know so no one is triggered. Please do not, in any way, feel you have to read this. Your mental health is much more important :)

Continued from chapter twenty-eight

"Hello? Yes. Yes, we have a possible death at-" Andre's calm voice trailed off into background noise as I sunk further and further into myself. A dull pounding filled my ears, probably my heart pounding in my throat, as my empty gaze fixated on the innocent Gucci jacket neatly folded on the water's edge. Someone was tugging my sleeve, squeezing my hand, saying my name. Yet all I saw was the way Ruel's dimple had caught the light the last time I'd seen him, the way his eyes had been so quietly sad as he had smiled at me. And the way I hadn't noticed that he was slowly sinking into himself. This was my fault. Maybe if I'd answered his call, this wouldn't have happened. Maybe if I'd talked to him he'd still be here, with us. But I refused to think of him as gone. Someone with a soul that beautiful, a mind that complicated couldn't just vanish off the face of the earth. I refused to believe it.

Muttering something unintelligible, I shakily rose to my feet, the person beside me steadying me. I had to try find him. Because I owed it to him, to me, to us. I owed it to us to try and save him one final time. So I plunged into the water, the cold current a relieving shock to my fevered mind. The last time I'd been here, Ruel had... kissed me... fuck... and now I was searching for his body.

I couldn't breathe.

My throat felt as if it had been ripped to shreds as I bit my lip, willing myself to breathe, to breathe and dive under. And once my head disappeared under the blue surface, everything was silent. Even the dull throbbing of my heart calmed as I pushed further and further underwater. I knew how hopeless this was. Ruel could hold his breath triple as long as me, meaning he'd have swum triple as far, meaning I had triple as little chance of finding him. But I continued clawing at the silky blue water. Because I refused, refused, to let this boy go. My lungs burned along with my heavy heart, yet I continued. Further and further under I swam, and with each stroke it became darker, the water heavier, crowding around me tauntingly. Everything was a rich cobalt blue and I didn't know where was up and where was down anymore. Yet I continued kicking further and further, my lungs screaming at me to go back, back to the surface, as my limbs flurried around me. But then I froze. Because there.

There was a flash of yellow. Canary yellow. With a strangled whimper, I pushed towards the colour and as I approached, I realised it was the same colour as the suit Ruel had worn the night he'd broken down at his party. The suit I'd chosen for him. Fuck. Could it be? My head was light from lack of oxygen as I reached out to touch the yellow fabric floating in the water. And if I could have screamed underwater, I would have screamed until my lungs broke and my heart stopped beating.

Because it was Ruel, his hair floating around his face so eerily, as his eyelids fluttered lightly with the pulse of the currents. His usual poisonous red lips were dangerously pale and his ivory skin looked transparent in the water. But it was his expression which got me. Because he looked sad. He looked so, so sad and still and empty and tragic. And lifeless.