In quarantine

Bad memories

*Nick*
I wake up with a smile on my face feeling how Nina is snuggled into my side, her head resting on my shoulder and her arm and leg wound around me. Oh damn it had been better than I even dared to hope and I still feel that nice afterglow buzzing in my body.

When I feel her stir I bend down and kiss her on the hair. "Morning darling.. hope you slept well".

"Like a baby". She snuggle closer.. but then I feel how she tenses up, like she just realised something bad. "We should get up".

"Okay.. but why ? I quite enjoy this and we really don't have any hurries". I wonder if she don't want people, especially Pilar to know that we spend the night together.

She sit up, swinging her legs out of bed. "No reason to stay in bed all day.. there are more.. sensible things to do".

Okay something is definitely wrong here.. is she regretting or something ? I gently grab her arm to stop her from leaving. "What's wrong darling ? Changed your mind on me ?"

"No.. it's not that Nick". She is shaking her head, avoiding to look at me.

"Darling.. you need to tell me.. you can't just leave me hanging like this.. I am here for you no matter what". I say softly.. trying to figure out what is happening here.

She shakes her head again.. and for some reason this breaks my heart. "I can't tell you.. you .. you wouldn't love me anymore".

"Come on darling.. give me a little more credit than that.. you can tell me anything". I say softly.. I can't imagine what she is so scared to tell me.

"Not this.. you are.. well a man". She sounds kinda doubtful.

"You sound suspiciously like Pilar now". I am literally going through everything that happened last night.. trying to figure what I did wrong, and suddenly something Dawn on me.. could that be. "Sweetie.. has this to do with us.. forgetting something yesterday.. like a.. condom ?"

She makes a small sound. "Well yeah".

"I am so sorry about that darling.. I.. I kinda lost my head last night.. you have a dangerous effect on me". I want to kick myself.. I am usually pretty careful with things like that. "But I should still have acted .. better.. so I am sorry".

"It's not your fault.. it's as much my fault.. and I should know better". She hide her face in her hands. "And now I ruined a great memory too".

I pull her into me, managing to turn her in my arms to hug her. "Don't say that darling.. but why don't you tell me why you react this.. strongly to it".

"What if I'm.. what if I am..". Her body is all stiffened up and she is breathing heard.. to be honest I feel a flash of pain run through me.

"What if you got pregnant". I swallow. "Would it be that horrible to.. be carrying my child ?"

She looks up at me, surprise on her face. "You think that's the reason ? That I think you are not fit to be a father".

I try keeping my emotions under control.. this is a rather sore subject for me. "Well you are totally panicking at the idea so.. ".

"Oh Nick". She reach up to cup my cheek. "No.. I think you will be an amazing father.. but I am not .. cut out to be a mom.. I already proved that".

"You.. oh sweetie what has you thinking that ? I am sure you are going to be a wonderful mother when you feel ready for it.. and if you want to have kids". I do kinda hold my breath.. I really hope she wants kids.. at some point I mean.

She shake her head slightly and swallow. "No.. I.. I was pregnant ten years ago.. I killed my baby.. no good mother would do that".

"Oh you had an abortion". I feel that pain again, the one always blooming up thinking about it. "But ten years ago.. you must have been just a big kid".

  "I was eighteen.. old enough to know what I did.. I just couldn't face it alone". She looks so sad it makes me feel even worse.

I gently pull her closer to me. "So.. the guy.. he got you pregnant and ran I assume..sound like you did what was best for you at the time".

"We had already broken up when I found out.. I went to tell him and.. he told me it was not his problem.. that it probably wasn't even his.. which it was.. I was scared to tell my parents and scared to be a mom especially alone.. Pilar helped me get an appointment with a doctor in Uruguay where it's legal.. so I not only killed my baby.. I broke the law". She seems to wait for me to judge her.

"What a scivey hoser.. I am sorry about that darling". I kiss her on the forehead. "I am gonna be completely honest with you.. I am not a huge fan of.. abortions, but I feel you and I understand your choice.. I would never judge you".

She giggles softly. "A what kinda fish..? A skivy hose.. I am afraid to ask what that means".

"Scivey hoser it's a bit hard to translate but something along an untrustworthy loser.. but in Canada it's a worse insult than it sounds translated". I shrug. "I guess it's kinda good that you did not need to .. Well raise a kid with him".

"I guess so.. but I should have chosen my kid.. I should have fought". She sound sad. "I sometimes wonder if it was a boy or a girl.. how it would feel to have a ten year old .. things like that".

I slowly brush my fingers up and down her back. "I understand that.. and before you think that it's just something I say.. it isn't.. I fully understand those thoughts".

She looks up at me. "Are you telling me.. that .. when.. who ?"

"About six years ago.. my girlfriend of about eighteen months.. she never told me she was pregnant.. I accidentally saw a text from her friend asking her if she had gotten the problem removed". I shake my head.. it had been a shock.

"She didn't tell you.. you were dating and she did not tell you". She is looking at me with intense empathy. "Why would she do that ?"

I breathe in slowly.. it still kinda hurt. "She.. she didn't want kids and.. she didn't see us lasting.. I thought we actually would.. so another shock".

"Aww you poor thing". She snuggle into me. "So you feared it was about to be repeated when I freaked about this.. I am so sorry".

"No don't be". I brush the hair from her face. "I get why it scared you.. and of course we are not at a place were we should think about kids and such yet.. but I meant it.. you will be a great mother".

She kisses me softly. "And you will be an amazing father.. when it's time for that".

I am not sure I have her completely convinced, but I think,we are good for now.. and I am happy it was not about me.