𝙄𝙙𝙚𝙖𝙨, 𝙎𝙝𝙤𝙧𝙩 𝙎𝙩𝙤𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙨 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙀𝙨𝙨𝙖𝙮𝙨

Drowning [SHORT STORY]

you're sitting at the bottom of a clear, cool lake with your knees brought to your stomach and your arms wrapped loosely around them. your eyes are open and you can't see well with the water obscuring your vision but you feel like you can see better than you ever have.

the moon is above you as a glowing patch of light. your hair is moving on your head feeling longer and lighter in the water. your clothes are completely soaked and you can feel your shirt moving in the still water and rubbing on your chest. you can't breathe at the bottom of the lake but that isn't concerning. it is more than silent other than the volume of your thoughts which swim around in your head too quickly to get a good grasp on. how long have you been down here now? you need to breathe but you can last longer. you try to calm down and let the still, cool, clear water hold you for as long as you can allow. you begin to feel your heart rate picking up and you focus on that, not the ice-like feel of the lake water in your eyes. your throat is feeling dry and hot so you open your mouth and beautiful cold water floods in, soothing your heartbeat and slowing your thoughts. you decide to leave your mouth open and close your eyes. your heart is beating faster and faster and although the bottom of the lake is a place without sound you start to notice how your hearing is blacking out;

you're only hearing the silence after every other moment. you are feeling cold but it's a welcoming cold; one that soothes and rebuilds and feels correct compared to how reality is above the water. the reality above the water makes you want to breathe. to let go. to let go for real, this time. to take a breath of the oh so cool water and let it fill your lungs. you start to panic. a million 'but what if's' fill your head in an instant and your heartbeat tries to skyrocket but it is caught somewhere in your throat making the water in your mouth taste sour.

you push the water out of your mouth and firmly shut it, making it feel empty and dry once again. your heartbeat is between your eyes now, which forces them back open. you really want to breathe but instead, you lie down at the bottom of the lake. you can no longer feel the bottom of the lake on your back which means you are floating up to the surface. as you ascend the few dozen feet of water you had brought yourself below, you begin to give in to the power of the lake. you remember things you thought you had forgotten. the moon is still bright as ever above you and your breathing catches as suddenly

your lungs begin to give in and you take the smallest breath, desperate for the relief of air that you have denied yourself purposely for as long as you could manage. but there is no air when you are just under twenty feet under the surface of the lake. you feel cold in your body as the lake water infiltrates you. bubbles are forced through your mouth as you try to stop your nose from taking any more water in. but it felt so good, no matter the sense of wrong you were given from doing it. you loved the feeling of breathing even if you were breathing water.

panic is the only thing you can understand and your body continues to float its way to the surface of the lake. you brought yourself down here to drown so how can it be that you want nothing more than to live in this very second? fifteen feet from the surface now you want absolutely nothing more than to reach it as quickly as possible but despite your best efforts you cannot move your arms, your legs, your head or even your mouth. this is the end, isn't it? this is exactly what you have craved since a year ago when you lived and your mother didn't. death. the option to call it quits on everything other than the thought of joining her once again. ten feet and you can feel the pressure of the lake water leaving your body making it feel lighter again. what do you want anymore? to live or to die? to be pushed through the pain, knowing that you failed to end it, or to end life now and never have the chance to breathe again? you catch yourself right before you inhale more water and make the decision to live. but is it too late now? have you left everything too late now? have you failed yourself again? yes.

as your life begins to fade you finally understand what people mean when they say they saw their life flash before their eyes as your happiest times replay, catching you off guard. you see the people you love, making you choke. five feet until the surface. you breathe in, the water burning your nose and rushing to fill your empty lungs. bubbles cascade and you suddenly start to reverse movement. falling. deep, deep, down, to the bottom of the cold, clear, lake. your eyes close for the last time and, like the air escaping your lungs, your life falls out of your control.

18/12/2020