I Critique

Critique #4

Note: I may sandwich but I won't sugarcoat.

Pasensya na talaga if natagalan. This past few weeks has just been really hectic for me.

Title: Famous For Nothing
Author: guardianlovers
Genre: Teengfiction

Blurb

First off, define muna natin ang blurb for the sake of the people who might read this and does not have any idea.

According to Kotobee, blurbs are a brief description of a book typically found on the back of a book or within the book sleeve of a hardcover book. For ebooks, the description is posted on a book's purchasing page, along with the book cover and price. The book blurb's main purpose is to lure readers in and captivate them enough to buy the book. The blurb is often referred to as a synopsis or simply book description.

A briefer definition by Merriam states that, a blurb is a short description that praises something (such as a book) so that people will want to buy it.

Your blurb does not necessarily need to summarize the content of your book, since it's main purpose is to lure the readers to want to read the inside of the book that you are writing.

With that in mind, I think you should try revising your blurb to make it more appealing to the readers.

I'll comment inline this, a link to some tips on how to write your blurb, that I think will really help.

Prologue

You used future protagonist type of prologue. I can say that you chose the right type of prologue for this story, as it help in building the readers curiosity to continue reading. Although that's not the main aim of the prologue, but as a reader, it's one of the things that I tend to look at (note that, that's just for me since every reader has their own preferences). Also, prologues serve different purposes for various kinds of stories so what I said is always not the case.

But I would just like to point out that part in paragraph 27, kung saan sinabi doon na nabasag ang boses ni Janus habang kumakanta. But in paragraph 30, sinabi doon na walang nakapansin sa sakit na nararamdaman nya.

But imagine this, in a concert there are giant LED screens attached on places for people who are on the farthest sides, and can't properly see the singers. In addition to that, there are gaint speaker everywhere too. If a singers voice crack, most especially if they are a live band, people are bound to notice.

A crack voice perhaps enhanced the mood that you are trying to create, but looking at it in a more realistic setting, it's very noticeable.

There are various ways to get the result you wanted for that part, and at the same time making it more realistic.

Grammar, and other Technicalities

I actually found out that I have already given you critique in my old critique shop a year ago. Thankfully, it's still in my drafts and I have used it as a reference in writing this one.

The first things that I noticed, is that your story has the same problems as it had a year ago.

#1. Incorrect punctuation marks.

Just like this part in chapter 1 paragraph 5;

"Kara! Mall tayo(.)[,] {s}Sama ka?"

And in paragraph 10;

"Oo nga, Kara(.)[,] {y} You should come."

Paragraph 15;

"Okay(.)[,] {w}We'll go ahead, Kara!"