I Critique

#6

Title: Seeking For Solice

Genre:

Romance

Author:

jdthegiddy

Disclaimer: I am not a professional.

And I can be very blunt.

What I like about the book:

First of all, I like the general concept of the story. How it shows what being blindly in love can do and it's negative impact (Okay that sounded like a research title lol). I also love how you wrote the prologue as it brought me excitement to check on the next page. And I like the general thought of this story's conflict as well.

Downsides:

•Redundancy

     I noticed a lot of redundant words when I was reading. Like this part, "Two days and one night ang napili nilang package tour ang napili nilang service mula sa kompanyang pinagtatrabahuan ko." 'Ang napili nilang service' is actually not that necessary in there, and you can just cut it out.

Here's another example:

“Puno ng galak at pagkamangha ang nakikita ko sa mga mukha ng mga turistang namamasyal dito ngayon. Bukod sa mga inaassist ko, may iilan pang turistang namamasyal dito ngayon.” If we base it on the first sentence, it's already a given na nandoon ang mga turista para mamasyal. Therefore you don't need to use the same line to explain that there are also other tourists in the vicinity in your second sentence. You could have just said, "Bukod sa mga inaassist ko, may mangilan-ngilan ring turista na nasa paligid." or whatever it is that will make readers picture out that there other tourists without being redundant.

Or you can just remove the second sentence entirely, since obvious na naman mula sa unang sentence na may mga kasama nga silang ibang turista. Though the second sentence helped emphasize it.

There are a lot more of it so just check your story again once you start editing.

•Comma on a Dialogue

    This is something that I mayself have been doing wrong lol. Just check Rules for Punctuating a Dialogue on google since the explanation is really long. But here is a simplified example:

When a dialogue is followed by a tag (She said, he explained, she uttered etc.), use a comma.

"You're hopeless, sir." I said and walked away (wrong)

"You're hopeless, sir," I said and walked away. (Correct)

Place a comma before an opening quote.