Feel. Deal. Heal.

Roots

Chapter 1

I've started this story many times over the years. I've never known how to begin or how to keep going in order for my truth to be herd. To get to a point of emotional stability to share my story took a lot of tears, fears and reliving it enough to where I no longer felt broken but became whole. Fear is a hell of a thing. I wasn't encouraged to take up space as a child, but now you can count on me to disappoint as many people on purpose just so I know I am taking  up space and living in my truth.

I often thought being physically abused was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. But come to find out not loving myself was the ultimate sin. And not the sin of shame and guilt that is taught in religion which is doing something that does not align with someone elses beliefs and opinions. The ultimate sin of not doing and being anything other then your authentic , unapologetic self. When you go agaisnt your own will, your own intuition your body stores that. So everytime you say yes to something you want to say no to your commiting a sin agaisnt yourself. Staying at a job you hate for 10 years when you really want to be a painter is an example. We live half our lives in fight flight or freeze response and allow fear to run our life. But how can we develop self love through years of conditioning, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, physical and mental abuse? Are you able to see the light? When you look in the mirror do you truly see you? or do you only see what others have shaped you to be and told you you are? Are you living in your truth or someone elses? What does your truth even look and sound like? Whe often never find out because we keep it supressed and tucked away for noone to find. But not allowing our shadow self to be seen delays our healing process. When we refuse to nurture our inner child's needs we will always lead a life of suffering and ego. Ego loves to keep us in pain, it becomes our safe place. I started my healing journey over a year ago now. And I can truthfully say to you I am grateful for my suffering and pain. Not just for what others did to me but for the shame and guilt and pain I caused for myself. Without it I would not be the woman, partner, friend and mother I am today. I am whole.

Just like a trees life begins with its roots, so does ours. In order to heal we must revist our roots and start from the begining to where life began with us.

"Some changes look negative on the surafce, but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for somethine new to emerge" - Eckhart Tolle

This story is not some well written, pieced together autobiography. My brain often opporates like a dog who sees a squirrel and is all over the place like the birds in the Walmart parking lot, so your in for a ride of a life time lol strap in. But I hope my healing story encourages you, strengthens you and that you see yourself in me, and find the courage to be brave.

"Vunerability is not wining or loosing, its having the courage to show up when you can't control the out come. " -Brene Brown

My mom was 30 years old from Indiana when she met my dad . My dad was 37, from Stillwater Oklahoma. How they ended up together is wild but isnt most love stories? They had only known each other 8 months before they got hitched, and out of those 8 months only had seen each other 3 times in person because they lived in seperate states. My mom gave birth to me 4 years later. Coming into the world is not often seen as a form of trauma but indeed it is. Being forced out of our mothers warm uterus that had been our home for the last 9 months, being nurtured, sang to, fed through our umbilical cord. Feeling the warmth of a parents touch through the belly.

Or some may experiance the opposite. Some could expriance screaming, yelling, drug use, parents fighting and all of that is imprinted in our bodies through the womb. Even though you dont remember those things as a baby in the womb, our bodies store them and our parents pass down their fears, beliefs, and struggles onto us. Generational pain is real. Womens bodies truly are incredible. My first enterance into the outside world was a struggle. My Umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck and my body was experiancing its first trauma. My mother had to have an emergency C section. Back then the process was completly different to now. She didnt even get to hold me until the 2nd day because of all the pain meds. My dad bought pink everything, a huge bear and flowers cause he knew i was going to be a girl. They never knew the gender of the baby they were carrying until I was born they wanted to be surprised. He was so proud. My dad has worn nothing but overhalls since I was born lol. His huge glasses,bearded face, skinny frame and overhalls holding me. In that moment I became daddys girl. I always thought my mom was so beautiful when she was my age. When she was pregnant with me she was glowing. Her smile was so big it could light up a room. You could tell being a mother was going to be a natural fofr her. My mother never talked much about her parents at all or her siblings. People always called my parents the 'funny couple" because their ability to bring laughter and love in every room they were in. My dad was a huge prankster and big child. Given he didnt have much of a childhood at all, his expression to let his inner child flow was always present and his encouragment for play and adventure, laughter was a gift.