This is my autobiography. I have wrote this many times , at least started it over the years and finally have the courage to live my truth unapologetically. I want others to know healing is possible. Not living in fear is possible. And to take up Sp...
I got glasses in 2nd grade. I hated them and of coarse refused to wear them up until 5th grade when I had trouble seeing the board. I got made fun of for having them so that was another reason for not wanting to wear them. I had friends growing up but often felt left out. My friends were great but I needed consistancy. Not I'll be your friend this week but not talk to you next week. I yearned for a close sister like friendships with all my friends. I guess I wanted that sisterhood at a young age but didnt know it at the time. Girls were mean in elementary at school. It was always very clicky and in groups and God forbid if you tried to have more then one bestfriend. I had a girl in class who would steal my school stuff and lie and say she didn't, and she was good at convincing the teachers and blaming others. I honestly never really understood labels even at that age.
Why was there best friend lables and why could we only have one? I was always like why can't we all be friends? lol makes sense right? The older I became the more resilent I was. She was weird about me staying the night with friends it was like pulling teeth to get her to say yes so I always asked my Dad. She became very strict. Obedient and Obey was her favorite words. One time we were at the grocery store I picked up a quarter and put it in my mouth, (unknowingly as a child that things that are on the ground have germs) I forget how old I was and she yelled at me all the way home for it. Made me wash my mouth out with soap when we got home as punishment. She became a huge fan of the belt and a wooden yard stick that had a metal strip on the side. If i dared express any amount of feeling or emotion or as she would call it "being disobediant" she would sit on the bed force my legs under hers so she would have me restrained and pull my pants down and beat me with the ruler. She would always proceed to tell me if I cried I would get double. So naturally I did everytime. That and the soap became her favorite. She would make me hold the bar of soap in my mouth till she said I could take it out or if I didnt do it long enough she would come in and force it in herself while I was gagging and crying.
Nothing I did was ever good enough. If I was asked to clean the house and I did but it wasnt to her liking she would yell about it. I got called to come home and grounded once for not making my bed. The hall bathroom was technically supposed to be mine since she had her own master bath but she made it hers. If any of my things were in her way or taking up space for her things I would get yelled at told I am a guest in her house. I was a child. She would monitor me while I pee and poop and yell if I used more then exactly 4 squares of toliet paper. Once I started my period in 6th grade even pads and tampons became something for her to hold over my head. "I buy you tampons and you cant even dust the house right!" Yes mom, cause bleeding out of my vagina is something I planned for all my life. I was super confused as to what this shift from love to hate for me inside her was. She made me feel like I was crazy inside. My dad didnt whitness alot of this since he worked nights so I felt like I had noone to rescue me. My dad whooped me one time as a child I dont even remember what it was for but it left a bruise the size of a baseball on my ass and he felt so much guilt that he never wanted to do that again.
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