This is my autobiography. I have wrote this many times , at least started it over the years and finally have the courage to live my truth unapologetically. I want others to know healing is possible. Not living in fear is possible. And to take up Sp...
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On average, there are 433,648 victims (age 12 or older) of rape and sexual assault each year in the United States. Majority of sexual assalt victums are always under 30. Younger women have a higher chance of being sexually assalted. We go through life unknowingly that our experiances and traumas drastically shape us and our idenity and how we feel about ourselves as women. "The body keeps score" was one of the first books I read last year starting my healing journey. Its amazing how much trauma our body keeps stored especially sexual trauma. My sexual truama carried into every relationship I had in life unconsciously. I develolped stomach ulcers and gall bladder stones very early on due to repressed sexual trauma. We will get more into the medical side of trauma later.
I grew up mostly around boys. Most my neighbors were boys and I loved it since I had such a hard time trusting girls. I felt included. We would play baseball, basketball, rollerblade. My dad would often take us and one of my girlfriends to white water or frontier city alot, I got a season pass each year. I loveedddddd to swim. Micro agression assalts always started small and clearly never seemed like a big deal, to anyone. From depantsing me infront of others, or if I had my bathing suit top on the boys wouldnt often untie it and expose my breast. Once I was waiting in line to ride this slide with everyone at white water and right before I went down one of my neighbors pulled the string on my bathing suit and my whole top came off going down the slide. I was mortified trying to find my top in the water and I couldn't get out until I put it back on. I was 11. But I'm glad they got a laugh, thats what matters right? Exposing underware was a huge thing for boys back then. Its like the whole world got a memo that girls had transitioned to thongs. My mom found my first thong one day. I remember it was just some plain white thong and she yelled at me, told me I was disgusting and this was not appropriate and put it in the trash can and told me I wasnt allowed to wear it. I was extremely uncomfortable with panty lines and didnt want anyone to know what kind of underware I had on. But quickly at school it became every boys mission to find out what underware girls were wearing so they could expose us to other boys.
Mind you I was still dating my boyfriend at the time. I was still wearing pads for a good portion of 7th grade because My mother wouldn't show me how to use tampons so I had to figure it out for myself especially cause I loved swimming so much. I would sit in the mirror for hours with my legs spread trying to figure out this weird cotton thing with a string. Do I leave the plastic part in or what? One day this new Asian kid that moved in down the street from us who was a grade ahead was walking down the same hall as me. He brushed beside me and grabbed my ass. I froze. I had no clue what to do what to think. All I could do was feel embarrassed because I had a pad on and wondered if he felt it. Was I supposed to tell someone? I was extrememly confused and wondered why a boy would do that. My boyfriend, my neighbor and this other boy who was Bi-racial, they were all bestfriends cause they played football together. My neighbor whom I will just use the letter B and the other one K would always be the main ones to depants me or expose me in front of others. Especially in the student store where w ate lunch. The whole football team was over at his house one day and I was washing my dads car in my bathing suit and they all came outside and just whistled and made cmments. How akward being my boyfriend was there too, allowing his peers to sexualize his girlfriend.
