The Secret Muse (#1)

Chapter 38

After experiencing morning sickness for a few weeks now, I became certain that the mistake has resulted in something I am truly not prepared for. I'm scared. I could barely do anything because of my anxiety. Sometimes, I would stay inside my room not realizing that hours have passed. I don't know what to do.

There are times that I think that Aunt Simona is disappointed in me. She hasn't been as conversational with me for days now and it only fuels my uneasiness.

Semiramide and I lay on my bed. She recently became aware of my situation. I wasn't able to tell her earlier because my head is a little out of place, it still does but talking about it somehow helps.

"Are you ever going to tell Giuliano?" She asks as we look at the ceiling.

I was silent for a few seconds, thinking hard before answering. "I don't know. I don't even think he was aware of what happened that night. We must have been awfully drunk." I said, chuckling nervously at the latter note.

"I did try to find you but Madonna Lucrezia said that you're all taken care of." She said.

How did she know that I'm in one of their rooms? "I don't think she'll be happy about the circumstances if she knew."

"I beg to differ."

Her words made me snap into looking at her with confusion. "Why would you say that?"

She looks back at me and shrugs lightly. "She's a mother too. I remember that my mother was the same way. I couldn't understand how and why she accepted my brother's bastard so I asked her. She said that being a mother is a universal feeling. One cannot persecute someone for bringing life despite the incidents that have led to it."

A little compelled by her words, I look back up to the ceiling and wonder if Lucrezia would be the same way. "I can only hope."

"Does this mean you will stay?" Her voice suddenly increased in tone from enthusiasm.

I debated in my head whether I should but my answer is just inconclusive as to the answer I gave her in her first question. "I don't know."

The answer saddens her but she chose not to say anything.

I have so many things in my mind. Apart from my pregnancy, I'm also thinking about Botticelli. It's been weeks and I have been limiting my conversation with him whenever he sees me occasionally on my strolls and every time he would talk about what happened in the cupola, I couldn't bring myself to say the words I want to say.

I don't know if he'd still feel the same way if he finds out I'm carrying the child of a different man. I'm scared he'd leave me upon learning of my pregnancy, hence my stalling.

I was on my way to my usual stroll when I noticed Aunt Simona by the parlour. She's sitting silently and alone, completely preoccupied with whatever she's thinking at the moment. Wanting to talk to her, I decided to walk towards her and spoke. "Aunt Simona, may we talk?"

"Of course." She said impassively without gazing upon me.

I reluctantly sat by her and look at my fidgeting hands on my lap before I spoke. "Are you disappointed in me?"

"Why the question, dear?"

"You may not say it, but I can feel it. You have barely said words to me. You have been unusually quiet when I'm around and it all started upon your knowledge of my pregnancy." I said as I frown. She was silent for a few seconds. Her silence has only confirmed my suspicions. With an aching heart, I spoke and got up. "Alright then, I better leave."

I was a few feet away from the door when she suddenly spoke. "I'm not disappointed." Her words stopped me midway and spark hope inside my chest. "I'm worried." I turn to face her as she still stoically sitting by the settee as she spoke. "I thought if you have me by your side, I can prevent you from foolish things. Your gestation confirms that no matter what I do, sometimes you would unknowingly follow your mother's footsteps."