Bedroom Floor (Harry Styles)

Chapter 93: i have nothing to say.

5th November 2018

i'm now back in the u.k. for some u.k. tour dates which is exciting. there's been more and more stories printed about harry and i and how we've broken up. honestly.. it's not getting better, i feel like shit constantly, but surprisingly on stage i'm fine. i haven't cried once— i mean don't get me wrong, i really do want to cry during some songs but i just wait till i'm off stage then i cry. it's hard because no one is on tour with me. i have no one to talk to. Perrie told me i had to call or text her whenever i am feeling like shit just so she can be there for me but i don't want to bother her. louis has called me every day since harry and i split up, so has Lottie and Félicité. they've been great, so great.

My Birmingham show is on the 7th so i've got today and tomorrow at home which is good, i like having mini little breaks. it gives me time to think.
but right now i'm at the studio in london, putting together some lyrics that i've had on my mind for a while.

"i went to Amsterdam without you and ooohhh i should've known, i'm wasting my time when it was always you always you. chasing the hiiighhh but it was always you, alwayysss you" i sing into the microphone as a rough demo just to get the baseline of how i want it to sound and what kind of lyrics i wants. i'm literally singing what comes to my mind.

"i went from LAX to Heathrow but it felt nothing like ho-oh-ome cause your not home. now you knowwww i'm waaaasting my time when it was always you, always you" i broke down in tears and threw my papers down to the floor as i stand and throw my headphones across the room. i walk out of the recording booth to see louis stood there smiling softly "i love that already, you sound beautiful" he grins at me and walks over to me wrapping me in his arms as he hugs me tight, i cry into his chest as usual and he shushes me.
"come on, let's get you out tonight. yeah??" he rubs my arm "perrie and jade said they fancy a night out. we'll go out with them" Louis said pulling from the hug "come on, it's 5pm, let's go home and get ready" Louis smiles.
i shake my head and look at him "i can't" i whisper. he frowned at me "why? why can't you come out??" he wondered stepping closer to em and stroking my hair "because i—i feel so ugly louis..." i cry into my hands "i feel so fat, i had to buy some new jeans earlier today, before i came here. i can't fit into my jeans anymore"

he scoffed and held my hand "you're not fat, don't be silly"
i shook my head at him "i'm not being silly, i don't feel pretty anymore Lou..." i look him in his eyes; he pouts and kisses my forehead "you're so beautiful Stasia.. the day you see that the day i will be finally happy— you deserve the entire world. come out tonight, i promise you, i'll make it a good night for you. please. i want to go clubbing with my sister— and my best friend"

i frowned "liam is coming?? no way." i shook my head and he laughed out loud "not him— i have a other best friend" he grinned looking into my eyes. i raised my eyebrows at him "you." he stated nodding at me "you are my best friend. come on. i know you love to dance..." he smiled cheekily at me "don't you love to dance??"

i smiled and looked down "yeahhh..." i trailed off "well let's go home and get ready, then!" he exclaimed excitedly. i picked up all my belongings and he drove me home.
we walked into my apartment chuckling at the fact that it's going viral on twitter that i sung a one direction song better than the boys them self.
he shakes his head shutting the door behind us "have you seen what they want you to do??" he asks "what??" i say. he collapses on my sofa and looks up at me as i walk past him "they want you to record all the one direction songs— well the popular ones— and put them on a album and release it as like a one direction celebratory thing for the 9th anniversary of the band next year" he stated as i walked into the kitchen and flicked the kettle on. i stood in my door way and connected my eyes with louis "i'm not in one direction though... why would they want me to do that?" i asked.
"well," he began and sat up "you're a big deal to directioner because you're my sister. they've always loved youuu" he cooed at me making me smile softly "and most of them—if not all of them are fans of you"