Stockholm Syndrome //Adam Driver

sixteen

" I think they meant it
When they said you can't buy love
Now I know you can rent it
A new lease, you are my love
On life, be my life "

***

September

Once Adam started going to work again, the spiraling began. Just earlier that month you two had finally reached a healthy point in your platonic, for the time being, relationship. You were mostly friendly with each other. But also sharing moments from time to time that would chew away the caution you had established to control yourself with. There was no doubt about it, you missed him when he wasn't there. While Adam was away at work, most of the company you got was from Moose. He was so used to you now, and always sat on your lap or crawled up next to you. He wasn't shy with you anymore, Moose happily followed you wherever you went. It really helped with how isolated you were the majority of the time. Every day you wish Adam wouldn't be gone for so long. You were mad at yourself for wasting so much time being pissed at him during the summer. Losing all of that time didn't help you at all, and there was no getting it back. Loneliness and boredom made the early mornings and afternoons unbearable. This time you spent alone really ate at the part of your judgment that told you to steer clear of making a move on Adam. When he was around you just wanted to conceal yourself into his arms until you fell fast asleep. You could tell Adam noticed this change and that made you especially nervous. Somedays you'd be clingy and others you didn't want to be because your mind made you think so much about it until you stopped. Overthinking was your great powerful weakness, or was it a key asset? You needed to distract yourself pronto before you that topic of thought killed you. 

Instead, you think about Adam again. You still haven't kissed or anything but the next time there is an opportunity you'd take it. No matter what, at this point, it was now or never. If you drug it out any more than you already have, kissing Adam night never happen. You did fear moving on but you couldn't resist much longer. You just didn't feel like fighting the part of you that screamed at yourself for not getting with him sooner. You were tired of waiting. Tired of double guessing it. Get it over with, you wanted it, that should be reason enough. Not ignoring intuition was just something you'd never get better at. Having barely any sensual encounters in the last four months kind of made you feel empty. Realization struck you, in a month, you would be nineteen... and still a virgin. 

"This is so fucking confusing." You said to yourself. Now you had to be faced with the idea of sex, more spiraling occurred. You weren't saying you'd give it away to Adam... easily. He would have to work for it. Like any guy would. He wasn't any different just because of the situation you were in. Well actually, no just don't think about it. You had no idea how Adam was sexually. You hadn't made that many assumptions because you didn't want to be disappointed or anything. He seemed to be so assertive when it came to certain things. You hoped he was rough and sort of forceful, but nothing like Henry. Aggressive but most importantly sensible and considerate. 

Adam normally came home around four, or if things got turbulent at work, he'd come home even later. It didn't help that when he did get home, he did more work. Adam tried to spend the rest of the day with you when he wasn't doing paperwork. The weekends were your favorite because you made him promise he would spend all Saturday with you, and then he could work all he wanted on Friday's and Sunday's. Him coming home so late in the afternoon really messed up your sleep schedule. You stayed up so late watching television or watching Adam sleep. He never stayed up too late with you when he slept downstairs. It especially bummed you out when he went upstairs to work at night because he normally stayed up there and didn't come back to sleep with you. He claimed you were too distracting. It was flattering that he couldn't focus around you. He was so good at making you feel all nauseous from butterflies. Either from a quick knee touch or by saying something you tried to convince yourself wasn't sexually motivated. You knew he would never cross your boundaries. You also knew the real reason you waited so long for the first real kiss because you didn't want things to change. You wanted him to admire you from a distance for as long as possible. You wanted him, but you also wanted the safe relationship you had now. That's what was making this so difficult to imagine.