Chapter 34I suddenly remembered 'Ink splashed door,' remembering Li Cheng Yin using red dye and black dye that was made out of snails to draw the magnificent drawing of the mountains and rivers. Remembering Ming Yu Fang on that night when we sang and danced, the flashing of swords and knives that night......I remembered him breaking the arrow, swearing the oath.....I remembered the massacre in my dreams that had seemed very realistic. I remembered myself sitting on the sandy hill and singing. I remembered Gu Xiao Wu catching one hundred fireflies for me. I remembered the cold wind at the river of forgetfulness......Also when I had cut the belt with the knife, the painful expression on his face......I threw the brush and rushed to bury myself back in the quilt on my bed. I was scared of remembering everything.
Yong Niang thought that I was still not feeling well, so she gently patted my back; like trying to get a child to fall asleep, she slowly patted me.
A'Du had quietly left, although the sound was very quiet, I could still hear.
I suddenly felt very sad. I didn't even dare ask A'Du, to ask about the Turks, about everything that had happened in the past. Are the things that I had dreamed about real? A'Du must have felt even worse because she's a Turk, but she came with me to the Central Plains, staying by my side and watching me live with the enemies for so long......I felt a sense of weakness that I have never felt before, I don't want to know about anything.
I eventually fell asleep for more than half of the day after spacing out. Yong Niang woke me up at night and made me drink bitter medicine.
Afterwards, Yong Niang asked me what I wanted to eat.
I shook my head, I didn't want to eat anything.
What can I eat right now?
Yong Niang still ordered the kitchen to make noodle soup. She said, "The noodles are soft, there is also soup, it is good to eat when you are sick." I didn't have the appetite to eat noodles, picking up the chopsticks and placing it down again.
Noodle soup reminds me of Li Cheng Yin.
Actually, everything in the Eastern Palace reminds me of Li Cheng Yin.
I just don't want to think about him anymore. Whether it was true or not, I instinctively didn't want to ever see him again.
However there was no way to avoid it. When Li Cheng Yin came to see me, Yong Niang had just taken the noodle soup and walked away. He walked in with a smile on his face, just like before; only I knew that everything was different from before. We had such a terrible past, the holy water of the river of forgetfulness had made me forget everything, made him forget everything. We were muddleheaded, unexpectedly getting married like this. And being muddleheaded, I've spent three years with him here........ Without waiting for me to finish thinking, Li Cheng Yin had already quickly walked to my bed, and reached out to touch my forehead.
I turned my face to the side.
His hand was touching nothing, but he wasn't angry, he said, "You finally woke up, I was really worried." I looked at him quietly, just like looking at a stranger. He finally felt something wasn't right and asked me, "What's wrong with you?" When he saw that I had ignored him, he said: "You were taken by the assassin during the lantern festival when all nine gates were opened....." I don't know why I felt impatient. I could no longer remember the way he stood at the city tower during that day, but when I was standing above the river of forgetfulness, I was only afraid that I would remember everything. What was the point of saying these now? Does he want to lie to me again with sweet words? He had forgot everything in the past just like that, but I remembered, I have already remembered everything!
He said: "..I haven't seen you in the city for days, I thought......" At this point, his tone slowly became low, he said, "I thought I would never be able to see you again......" He reached out and tried to touch my shoulder, I remembered Father's tears, I remembered my Mother had collapsed in a pool of blood, I remembered my grandfather's final shout, I remembered that He Shi used his hands that were covered with blood to push me onto the horse's back......Suddenly I pulled out a golden hairpin, and stabbed him in the chest.
I used all my force. He must have never thought that I would suddenly stab him, so he just stared blankly, only at the last instant did he reach out to cover his chest. The golden hairpin was very sharp, it kept on pricking the palm of his hand, and blood slowly flowed out. He stared blankly at me, the expression in his eyes was so complicated that I couldn't understand, as if he doesn't believe that I would do this.
Actually I didn't believe it myself. I covered my own chest, I could feel myself trembling.
After some time have passed, he suddenly grabbed the golden hairpin, and pulled it out. He pulled it out very quickly, without a sound, only a slight frown, as if it was not his own flesh or blood. The blood was flowing out, I watched the blood flow, flowing down his wrist to his robe sleeve, the red blood was like a ferocious snake crawling over the fabric. He was looking at me while grasping onto the hairpin that was dripping blood, I suddenly felt very nervous as if I couldn't breathe.
He threw the golden hairpin to the ground, a 'dang' sound could be heard. The amethyst stones, jade and pearls on the golden hairpin had dispersed onto the ground. His voice was light and faint, as if he was afraid of disturbing others, he asked: "Why?" How could I talk about the awful past? The resentment between us contained a lot of blood. It turns out that forgetting wasn't bad, it was luck. How good was it to forget everything, just like him.
I had turned my face, he said: "I know." I don't know what he knows, but his voice seemed to contain a tingling coldness: "I didn't want to ask you because you are sick, but in that case, I can't help but ask, how did you escape from the assassin? It was A'Du who brought you back. I couldn't ask her, she wouldn't say where the assassin had went, and where she saved you. She is someone from Western Liang and it's inappropriate for me to extort confession by torture. However you should still tell me how the assassin looked like....." I looked at this man, this man who had chosen to fall into the river of forgetfulness with me, having forgotten everything. But I will never forget how he killed my grandfather, I will never forget how my family was ruined. I will never forget that I will never be able to go back to Western Liang again. I opened my mouth, but did not make any sound. I almost sneered while looking at him. He came to ask me who was the assassin? Does he not know who was the assassin? Or did he even forget who Gu Jian was after jumping into the river of forgetfulness?
I looked at him, he looked at me too, and after a long time have passed, he suddenly threw me a pair of jade pendants. I stared at the pair of jade pendants which I recognized. I had waited before on the sandy hill for three days three nights. At that time, he was called Gu Xiao Wu. At that time, I was happy, waiting for someone who I thought was a good person. At that time, he was holding a jade pendant in his hand, smiling at me. At that time, we were on the outskirts of Western Liang, both of us were looking at the purest sky together, before heading back to the city.
At that time, neither of us were as ferocious as we are now. I was still the ninth princess of Western Liang while he was Gu Xiao Wu, a tea merchant from the Central Plains.
Li Cheng Yin's hand was still bleeding, he grabbed my arm and squeezed my bones. He forced me to look up, he looked straight into my eyes and asked: "Why?" He asked again why.
I also want to know why, why fate would tease us like this, again and again, forcing a terrible past upon us. I looked into his eyes, which were filled with indescribable pain along with a last glimmer of hope, as if he was waiting for me to say something.
I opened my mouth, but said nothing.
The blood in his hand dripped on my face. He said coldly without any warmth: "Why were you able to come back unharmed, why did A'Du not dare to tell me where the assassin went, why did you have a pair of mandarin duck jade pendants in your hand.....Mandarin duck.....Did I break a pair of couple?" His hand placed more pressure onto my shoulder which was making my shoulder painful. I was suddenly very upset, what kind of mentality did he have when he jumped into the river of forgetfulness with me? Was it to say those words? Those Central Plains words that I couldn't understand? I had long forgotten what were those words that was said. I could only remember Pei Zhao's final shout, he must have been shocked. After all, Li Cheng Yin was not Gu Xiao Wu; my Gu Xiao Wu had already died in battle. When I finally looked up at him, his eyes were dark, reflecting my shadow. Who is he? The Gu Xiao Wu who caught me fireflies? Or the lover who left me at the wedding? Or when we were above the river of forgetfulness, when he saw me cut the belt, the pain and regret that was on his face, was it real?
I've been tricked over and over again by this man until now, who knows if he was lying to me? He broke the arrow and swore an oath in front of the assassin, he spoke with such assurance, but a moment later, he stood with Zhao Liang Di at the top of the Cheng Tian gate.....My Gu Xiao Wu was already dead, thinking up to here, my heart was as if it was torn apart. My voice was cracking when I spoke, so terrifying I didn't recognize my own voice. I said, "You broke us up, you broke Gu Xiao Wu and I." He stared blankly, after a while, he smiled contemptuously: "Gu Xiao Wu?" I looked at him, his hand was still bleeding, the blood flowing to his robe. When we were at the top of the river of forgetfulness, my heart felt like it had already turned into ashes, but at this point, I don't even have the strength to struggle. I felt extremely tired, I said word by word, "You killed Gu Xiao Wu." My Gu Xiao Wu, the only person I ever loved was killed by him. He killed the Turks, he killed him at our unfinished wedding at Western Liang.
My mind was in a mess, I forgot about everything and then came here to be married to Li Cheng Yin. When I had forgotten everything, I didn't even know that Gu Xiao Wu was already dead.
He laughed in a furious way: "Good! Good! Very good!" He turned around and left without looking at me again.
When Yong Niang came back, she was very surprised and said, "How come his Highness had left?" She screamed and said: "Oh, how come there's so much blood on the ground?......" She ordered a palace maid to come in to wipe the blood and then she asked me what had happened. I didn't want her to know, so I let her ask here and there but answered vaguely. What should I do? Am I still able to go back to Western Liang? But even if I returned to Western Liang, Gu Xiao Wu was already dead.
Yong Niang thought I looked tired and that I wanted to sleep, so she stopped asking. She let A'Du come in and sleep with me, A'Du slept on the thick fabric that was in front of my bed.
But I couldn't sleep so I got up from bed. A'Du got up as well and poured a cup of tea for me, thinking that I wanted to drink something.
Instead of picking up the cup of tea from her hand, I held her hand and wrote something in her palm.
I asked her, how about we go back to Western Liang?
A'Du nodded.
I felt relieved, she would follow me wherever I choose to go. I didn't even know how much she had suffered before and I don't know why she was willing to come here with me. I took her hand, stared in a daze, and tears slowly rolled down. When A'Du saw that I was crying, she panicked, using her sleeves to wipe away my tears. I wrote in her hand: don't worry. A'Du felt very sad, she pulled me into her embrace, slowly touching my hair like she was touching a child. She comforted me, and I slowly closed my eyes.
Actually in my heart, I understood that I am done and so tired. I used to like Gu Xiao Wu, after I forgot about everything, I liked Li Cheng Yin again. Even if he lied to me again and again, I would still love him.
The river of forgetfulness, to forget a love. Anyone who has been through the water will forget their pains and worries. I forgot about him, and he forgot about me, the two of us won't be involved again, but why did I fall in love with him again after forgetting everything? He has never been good to me, but I still liked him. Over the past three years, we have pushed each other away, but why have we ended up still coming to this day? God had once listened to my prayers, letting me forget all the pain and worries that he had inflicted on me, but now God is punishing me? Letting me remember everything once again, after falling in love with him again.
Li Cheng Yin never came to see me again.
I remained sick for a long time and by the time I was able to speak again, the magnolias[1] outside had already withered, the cherry blossoms in the courtyard had already bloomed like pink clouds.
The cherry blossoms bloomed faster than the peach trees, so when the cherry blossoms bloomed, it felt like spring has already arrived. Several cherry blossom trees bloomed with glistening flowers clustered together like an afterglow, surrounding the roof. Some of the tree branches have stretched into the window.
A lot of things happened while I was sick, Yong Niang had told me. First the grand secretary, Ye Cheng, was accused of betraying the government. Then I heard that many were involved and everyone in court feared of being accused. General Pei Kuang had traveled to Goryeo [2] and came back from a victorious battle and his Majesty granted him a large sum of gold. His Majesty also acquired a new imperial concubine who was very young and beautiful. People in the palace refer to her as 'Niang Zi,' and his Majesty dotes on her a lot; even Noble Consort Gao who is in charge of the harem was inferior to her in terms of favoritism. There were a lot of talks about whether his Majesty would grant her the title of Empress because such favoritism was rare. Whether it was about the court or the harem, I will hear it and then forget about it.
Hearing about these matters made me feel impatient. I felt that kindness from men cannot be relied upon, especially men from the imperial family. What are women in comparison to the world? Gu Jian had said that to be an emperor, one must be ruthless. I think he was right.
One afternoon, it suddenly began to rain. Looking at the rain in the courtyard, Yong Niang said: "This will not be good for the flowers." Although I already felt much better than before, I still have not yet completely recovered, and too many prescriptions have been prescribed by the imperial doctor. Continuously drinking the medicine every day, but they still haven't been effective. Whenever I coughed, Yong Niang would busily bring a cape for me to put around my shoulders so that I wouldn't catch a cold. I wished my cough would quickly get better because the faster I get better, the faster I could return to Western Liang with A'Du.
No matter how Western Liang have changed, I still have to go back.
I sat in front of the window, watching the cherry blossoms in the rain. The delicate petals falling down like shredded silk slowly soaked in the rain and glued themselves to the branches. Yong Niang had already ordered people to build a tent to cover the flowers and trees, which was what the Central Plains used to protect the flowers so that the rain will not destroy them. I looked at the cherry blossoms underneath the tent. There were tiny golden bells hung on all four sides of the tent, which were meant to keep away the birds. With the wind blowing, the bells made a faint sound.
Now that I was often in a daze, Yong Niang felt that I had become a very different person. I used to be very loud, now I was very quiet, and I could often catch her looking at me with great concern.
A'Du was also worried about me, she had tried many times to bring me out to play, but I had no energy. I didn't tell A'Du that I had remembered everything in the past, I felt that some things should be taken care of by myself.
When the cherry blossoms withered, the weather was completely warm. Everyone in the palace had changed into wearing thin clothing. Yong Niang had ordered someone to build a swing for me in the courtyard, something that I liked to play on. Li Cheng Yin had always thought that it was a frivolous activity, that's why the swings that were in the Eastern Palace before had been taken down. Now Yong Niang had built a new one for me, but I didn't want to play that anymore.
While they were building the frame of the swing, Pei Zhao came by to visit. I haven't seen him for a long time, the last time was when he had advise me not to interact with Yue Niang. I remembered when I first met him, he had took A'Du's knife away. I remembered his shocked voice when we were above the river of forgetfulness. He doesn't know that I have remembered everything.
I won't let him find out that I've remembered the past; if I did, he would strictly guard me. Central Plains people can lie, that is something I've learned along the way. I am going to hide it from them, so I can find an opportunity to escape with A'Du.
Pei Zhao had brought me some goods, which were all bestowed to the palace. It was said that these goods were seized by general Pei Kuang when he was in Goryeo. His Majesty have granted the goods to many people, and I also have been granted some.
It was mostly antique jewelry, but I was never interested in these things. I ordered Yong Niang to accept it.
There was also another basket, which Pei Zhao personally held and presented it to me.
I didn't take it, only ordered Yong Niang to open it, which turned out to be a kitten that was the size of a fist. Its whole body was covered in snowy white fur, like a rabbit. However it was a kitten, with two eyes of different color: one blue and one green, very cute. It leaned on the basket, making a soft voice.
I asked: "This was gifted by his Majesty?" Pei Zhao said: "This is something from Siam[3], which was seized by my father. My younger siblings are naughty. They wouldn't be able to raise it, so I brought it to give to Crown Princess." I went to pick up the kitten. As it laid on my palm, it meowed frantically, sticking out its little pink tongue to lick my fingers. The feeling of softness brushing through my fingers helped lessen the feeling of numbness that was hard to bear. I immediately liked the kitten. I smiled at Pei Zhao and said, "Thank you, General Pei." I could tell that Pei Zhao seem relieved. I looked at him with a face filled with smile. He had followed Li Cheng Yin to travel to the west. He knew everything, including watching me jump off the cliff of the river of forgetfulness, but he never mentioned a single word in front of me. I thought that he was really loyal to Li Cheng Yin. If he knew I had now remembered everything, would his expression immediately change and become more defensive towards me? These Central Plains peoples' schemes, I will learn bit by bit, and I will repay them with all the pain that they have brought upon me.
Notes:
[1] 玉兰花 Magnolia- a tree with creamy pink flowers.
[2] 高丽 Goryeo- Korean kingdom that was founded in 918.
[3] 暹罗 Siam- former name of Thailand.
