Chapter 35I teased the kitten and then said, "Meow Meow, do you want to eat fish?" The cat 'meowed' once, using its tongue to lick my fingers again. The tiny bumps on its tongue tickled me so much that I couldn't help but laugh. Holding the cat to show to A'Du, I said: "Look, its eyes are really pretty." A'Du nodded. I told Yong Niang to bring some milk to feed the kitten, afterwards A'Du and I had a long discussion about what name to give to the kitten.
I asked A'Du: "How about we name it Xiao Hua[1]?" A'Du shook her head, I also don't think its good. The kitten's body is pure white, without other coloured fur, it shouldn't be called Xiao Hua. "How about we name it Xiao Xue[2]?......" I've been talking nonstop with A'Du; talking about making a shelter for the kitten, naming the kitten......I didn't even notice when Pei Zhao had left.
However ever since being gifted the kitten, I didn't feel lonely in the Eastern Palace. Xiao Xue is so lively, chasing its own tail for half of the day. In the courtyard, the peach blossoms have withered. Scattered pink petals like snow and floating petals being blown in midair, Xiao Xue would always jump up and try to scratch them with its claws. Although there were already piles of petals on the bridge, Xiao Xue doesn't smell it. If a butterfly flew by, it would be even worse; Xiao Xue would chase after it in the courtyard and jump everywhere, going wherever the butterfly flies.
Yong Niang would always say: "How is this a kitten, it's more mischievous than a fox-spirit." Each day passed by. Everyday I watched Xiao Xue mischievously run everywhere. I saw the flowers in the courtyard blossomed and then withered again; many cherries like purple-red pearls hanging on the branches. I saw the peaches and plums grow into the size of soybeans, hanging underneath the green leaves and branches. Time passed like water in a ditch, flowing out in silence; everyday passed by quickly. During the evening, I often sat on the steps, watching the moon rise from under the leaves. For thousands of years, the moon has been rising quietly, no sadness, no joy, no sound. The day's wind exposing the glassed roof tiles, like a thin layer of silver frost. The galaxy in the sky was quiet with Xiao Xue by my side, calling out 'meow meow.' I touched its velvet neck, holding it in my arms. I was waiting quietly, waiting for the best opportunity to escape from this refined cage.
It was because I was sick, many rites in the Eastern Palace have been simplified, there were many things they don't ask me anymore. In the past, although Zhao Liang Di was in charge of the affairs, I still had to take care of many major events. I have been sick for so many days that I was absent from palace ceremonies. When my illness got better, Xu Bao Lin was sick again.
She was so sick that even medicine was ineffective, but no one in the Eastern Palace seemed to care. If Yong Niang hadn't let the words slip out of her own mouth by accident, I wouldn't have known that Xu Bao Lin was dying.
I don't know why, but I have decided to visit her. Maybe it was pity for her, maybe I wanted Li Cheng Yin to know that there wasn't any difference. Or maybe it was to let Li Cheng Yin know that I am still the naive and stupid Crown Princess, not someone who schemes.
Xu Bao Lin still lives in the most remote courtyard, the two palace maids who served her had been replaced. Although the witchcraft situation had ended, Zhao Liang Di still use it as an excuse to treat her harshly. After recovering from my sickness, I was busy with other things, so naturally I have taken less care of her. I regret; if I had known earlier, maybe she wouldn't have become this sick.
She was so thin that there were only her bones left. Her hair has lost its glossiness and the roots of her hair had dried up like matted grass. I vaguely remembered the first time I saw her; at that time in the Eastern Palace, she just had a miscarriage and appeared very miserable. But during that time, her withered expression was still like a fresh flower being hit by the rain, beautifully falling down. Unlike then, she now looked like a chrysanthemum[3] that was destroyed by the wind, and even the last bit of freshness and beauty have withered.
I called her for a long time and she finally opened her eyes to look at me, falling into a trance.
She couldn't really recognize me anymore, after a while she closed her eyes and fell asleep.
Yong Niang told me the imperial doctor's words about how Xu Bao Lin did not have much days left.
She was only eighteen years old this year but the beautiful period of a young lady have already passed by so quickly. The lonely Eastern Palace was like a monster, constantly devouring everything that's beautiful. A youthful flower-like lady, having been living here for only half a year, have withered just like that.
I felt very sad, coming out of her courtyard. I asked Yong Niang: "Where is Li Cheng Yin?" Yong Niang didn't know so she sent people to ask around. I realized that Li Cheng Yin and Prince Wu had went out to play polo.
I went to the main palace hall to wait for Li Cheng Yin. Waiting until dusk, I saw seven to eight horses return, escorted by the Yu Lin army. They all passed through Ming De gate and then all but one person dismounted; only one horse can be still seen heading in this direction. I suddenly felt my heart was in a mess because I hadn't seen Li Cheng Yin for months. Before I did not see him everyday, but after some time have passed, he would always come to my place to argue about ridiculous matters. However right now, we no longer see each other, and we also don't argue.
Deep in my heart, I know that I've been hiding from him. After remembering the past, I should have killed him and avenge everyone.
Maybe seeing Xu Bao Lin today was just to find myself a reason to see him. As I watched him approach with his horse, I suddenly remembered that on the desert grass he had once rode his horse towards me like this, revealing a brilliant smile.
He has never smiled like that, has he? After all, it was Gu Xiao Wu, not Li Cheng Yin, the Crown Prince.
The servants had walked up to support Li Cheng Yin when he was getting off the horse, throwing the whip to an eunuch, and then stepping on the steps, as if he didn't see me.
I stood up and called him. I said, "You should go see Xu Bao Lin." As he finally turned his face and looked at me, I said, "She's dying." He ignored me and went straight to the palace hall.
I stood there alone, the early summer wind blew across my cheek with warm air. Apparently, spring was already over.
If it was before, I would have quarreled with him and forced him to see Xu Bao Lin. Even if I had to tie him, I would tie him and bring him over. However now, I understand that if you don't love then it is not love. Even if I wanted to breathe my last breath today, he has probably forgotten her already. Forgotten this beautiful woman, forgotten that she had once almost bore his child, and how many nights, how many times she had spent alone.
Just like how he forgot about me, forgot that I had once hated and loved him, forgot that he had once helped me capture a hundred fireflies, and that I ended up jumping to end everything between us.
All this, wasn't it what I was asking for?
One day the weather got warmer, and Xu Bao Lin has fallen into a deep sleep. She was getting weaker with each day that passed. In the end, she couldn't even drink any water. I visited her everyday. Although Yong Niang tried to persuade me that it was not appropriate to stay by a sick person's side as I had just recovered from my illness, I didn't listen to her at all. I took care of her like I was taking care of my dying self from the inside.
I stayed by Xu Bao Lin's side. The palace maids being more or less afraid, did not dare say anything. Compared to before when no one had cared, it was much better now. However Xu Bao Lin has already become too ill that any care for her health was unnecessary.
At dusk the weather got warmer and there were dragonflies flying everywhere in the courtyard. The banana leaves under the walls remained motionless, without a trace of wind in the air. The sky was purple, and to the west there were thick dark clouds; maybe it was going to rain.
Xu Bao Lin seemed to have gotten a little better. As she opened her eyes, she looked at the people around her. I held her hand and asked her: "Do you want to drink water?" She recognized me and smiled at me.
But she didn't drink any water. A moment later she fell unconscious again, this time her breathing had gradually weakened.
I called the imperial doctor who after having taken her pulse, said to me: "Bao Lin has brought great fortune to the country, she will definitely be safe and sound." Although I don't have much experience, I know that whenever an imperial doctor says this, it means that person can't be saved.
Yong Niang wanted to persuade me to leave, but I refused. Yong Niang could only send people to quietly prepare the funeral arrangements. As the sky darkened, the room was as humid as a steamer. The palace maids' footsteps were agile as they lighted the lanterns. The candlelight dimmed, indirectly reflecting the light on the sick person lying on bed. Xu Bao Lin's face was pale, her mouth kept on moving slightly. I moved close to her lips, only being able to hear two words she said. She was barely making a sound. Apparently those two words were 'His Highness.' I felt very sad, maybe before dying, she only wanted to see Li Cheng Yin.
However I couldn't persuade him to come here.
This man who provoked her, had left her behind and alone in the palace, but she still couldn't forget him.
Even if he was disloyal, heartless, and indifferent.
What she wanted was a visit once in a while from him, but she could never receive it.
I held Xu Bao Lin's hand, wanting to give her any last bit of warmth possible, but her hand gradually cooled down.
Yong Niang quietly persuaded me to leave because the servants had to help Xu Bao Lin change her clothes. Yong Niang once told me that there were many things to prepare for the funeral and there were important matters. For example, writing a letter to the Ministry of Rites so that maybe she could be granted a higher rank title or so that the men in her family would be bestowed as a small official. I watched the palace maid place an embroidered handkerchief over Xu Bao Lin's face, who no longer had any breath left in her body. Whether it was sadness or happiness, it was all gone, her short years of life ended just like that.
In the distant sky, muffled thunder sound could be heard. Yong Niang stayed to prepare for the funeral, but A'Du followed me back to the palace hall. As I walked up the bridge, I heard the faint sound of music coming from the main palace hall. The sound of music was very distant; I suddenly remembered the night I sat there, the distant sound of the Turks' singing voices could be heard. The subtle songs of love that the Turkic warriors would sing outside their beloved girl's tent, singing their inner thoughts to her.
At that time, I had never thought that singing voices could be this moving, misty like heavenly music. The fireflies in the grasses by the river looked like a misty meteor shower, as if someone had scattered some gold dust. I felt that these shining bugs were the angels of God; their lights were like delicate lanterns, twinkling in the cool night. The sparks of light in the camp, and the cheerful laughter that were as if it was separated by a day.
I watched him soar to the sky to capture several fireflies with one grasp of his hand. When he opened his palm, the fireflies on his fingers flickered tiny rays of light. The martial arts of the Central Plains was like a painting, a poem, a splash of drawing. His every move was like a dance, but there was no such thing as this kind of heroic dance. He was spinning at an incredible angle in the middle of the sky, chasing the fireflies, his sleeves carrying a slight breeze.....The fireflies flew as if they were trying to outdo one another, the light dispersed from them turned into countless shooting stars. For a moment my Gu Xiao Wu was surrounded by these shooting stars, their shining lights lit up our faces; I could see his big dark eyes staring at me......The singing voice was far away, as if it was separated by the world.
My blood felt like it was slowly pouring in. In the distant ink coloured sky, fierce lightning suddenly flashed, purple light like a sword zigzagged and flickered, drawing a crack in the sky.
I said to A'Du: "You go back first." A'Du refused, followed me two steps before I took off the golden inlaid knife along with the knife sheath from her waist, and then said to her, "You go pack up, take the things that are important. Wait for me to come back, we will leave right away to go back to Western Liang." A'Du's eyes were full of doubt. She looked at me as if she was unable to understand, but I urged her and she could only turn around and leave.
Today I was determined to put an end to everything.
I slowly walked into the main palace hall, only to find out there was no feast here. There was no one in the palace hall. I don't know where the palace maids on night duty had went, but Li Cheng Yin was sitting under the window, playing the flute.
He was wearing a white robe and appeared very focused, unlike the way I was used to seeing him. The expression in his eyebrows were calm, as if he has turned into a different person. I suddenly thought of Gu Xiao Wu, the first time I had met him, he was steady just like now. But at that time he was in a high spirit, he would laugh at me.
I never knew he could play the flute.
I didn't know what melody he was playing, but the melody was light with a trace of sorrow.
He heard footsteps, placed down the flute, after turning around to see that it was me, his expression was rather cold.
I was so angry that I couldn't calm down anymore, I pulled out the golden inlaid knife and jumped up. He obviously didn't expect me coming in a rush and do this, but he instinctively dodged it.
I didn't make any sound, only the golden inlaid knife in my hands made some sound. I basically didn't have any martial arts skills, but I had a knife in my hand. Although Li Cheng Yin was flexible, he could only dodge it for a short period of time. My every move was with great efforts as if my life depends on it. Li Cheng Yin resisted it, he was on the verge of being injured several times. However I don't know why he didn't call anyone, but that's good. My knife gradually lost its control, in the very beginning it was all anger.
In the end I didn't have much strength left, it was hard for me to take control of the situation. We fought without saying a single word. As time passed I began gasping for air. Li Cheng Yin finally twisted my arm, seizing the knife from my hand. He threw the knife far away, I took the chance to bite his hand. The smelliness seeping through the teeth. He grabbed my shoulder while he was in pain, and both of us rolled onto the ground. I grabbed a copper lion decoration as I landed on the ground, which hit his leg. The carving on the decoration ripped his pant, exposing a huge opening. The pain made him wrinkle his brows, pressing his hand against the pain in his leg. I could see the old scar on his leg. It's a deep, ugly tooth scar of a beast, a large piece of flesh teared apart, even after years that scar was still ferocious and frightening. I suddenly remembered what Gu Jian said, that it was a wolf bite; a white-eyed wolf king had bitten his leg. To marry me, he had went to kill the white-eyed wolf king. But he wasn't trying to marry me, he was just trying to trick my grandfather, joining forces with the Yuezhi......My mind was filled with regret and sorrow. Without paying attention, he had already pressed me onto the carpet and twisted my arm.
I kicked with my feet, but he had pressed onto me without letting me move. My whole neck was covered with sweat, even my clothes was sticking onto my skin. This fight had left him with sweat droplets on his forehead. The sweat rolled down to his chin. I could see that it was about to drip onto my face. I hurriedly wanted to get out of the way. Li Cheng Yin thought that I was trying to grab another copper lion decoration. He tried to reach out his hands to grab my shoulder, but he didn't expect that I would just turn my body to get away. Only a 'cha' sound could be heard, the fabric on my shoulder was torn. His fingernails cut through my skin, very painfully. I was very annoyed, raising my leg to kick him, but he dodged it. A muffled thunder sound could be heard from the outside, a purple light reflected on the window screen, lighting up the palace hall as if it was daylight. I saw his face and eyes were red, as if he was drunk, and suddenly he threw himself onto me.
Notes:
[1]小花 Xiao Hua- little flower
[2]小雪 Xiao Xue- little snow
[3]菊花 Chrysanthemum- a type of flower that is often used in Chinese medicine to maintain one's health. The picture above is an example of chrysanthemum.
