Because We Had Us

Chapter 13. Inside My Head

Miriam

     I hated the dark. I hated small spaces. I hated the way my jumpsuit went up my butt when I crawled through the scary tunnel. I didn't want to do it but Corin said my friends were in trouble, so I did it.

     I closed my eyes and rubbed the floor with my hand. One hand, the other hand, one knee forward and another. "You can do this Miriam," I whispered to myself. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8... What was that? "Creak," a noise echoed through the walls. Oh it's a monster. I'm going to die! I'm going to die! "I want out. I want out right now!"

     I tried to turn around but the space was too small and my leg got stuck. I screamed for a long time before I wiggled it loose. 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15... umm 15, what comes after 15? "Ok well I can do it, I'm brave, I'm strong." I laid down to take a break, and the tunnel shook with me. I had to potty and I couldn't hold it.

     I peed my pants, so I cried and crawled and yelled some more. No one answered me when I screamed. Why did they ignore me? Did they hate me? Why was the tunnel so long? I was tired. I can't breathe. Why can't I breathe? Am I dying?

     "Sissy!" I called to Jo frantically, but I heard no answer from her. My own voice was too loud, so I stopped yelling. I could turn around, but what if I got stuck again? I would be trapped in here forever. Oh why did I do this? I don't wanna go forward, but what if I scoot backwards? No, then sissy will be sad I didn't go all the way through. It's too scary. I can't. She'll hate me.

     Tap. Tap. Tap, Tap, Tap. And again. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. My fingers sounded like a song against the loud floor. I had to keep tapping.

     "Miriam!" I heard a voice, but my tapping was so loud I couldn't tell whose it was. "Miriam!" There it was again, but this time it was louder. "Miriam follow my voice," it called me deeper into the tunnel, but I didn't move. "It's me Jo come on you're almost there!" Oh it's sissy. Wait sissy!

     "I'm coming," I called! "Wait for me!" My legs were moving again. I was going fast, really fast! I pretended I was lily, our dog, chasing a squirrel and I moved even faster. I miss lily. Where was she?  Hey it's not dark anymore where am I."Jo?" I saw a bright lights in a circle around me. Everything was white and the room was empty. Am I in heaven? "Hello God are you there?"

     Wait where's Jo? "Sissy!" I heard her voice, but I was alone! They tricked me! Corin is a bad guy and he sabotaged me! I stomped the ground over and over!

     "Miriam why are you so mad," a funny voice I had never heard before asked, but I didn't see anyone.

     "Who are you?" I looked around the room in panic.

     "I'm your friend," he said.

     "I have a lot of friends what's your name?" The voice laughed, but I wasn't sure why.

     "Well I'm a friend of your brother's and he told me to tell you that he wants you to stay in this room for a while ok?

     "Oh are you invisible like my brother?" The voice coughed. "Are you sick?"

     "Miriam focus whatever you do don't try to leave this room."

     "Why?" I asked wondering if something was wrong outside.

     "Because you listen to your brother."

     "Ok," I agreed. I didn't like the room though. It was weird, and I didn't like that invisible guy's voice either. I didn't like being alone. I missed Jo and Laz and Ruth, but I had to listen to my brother and my brother's friend.

     I started picking at my skin and cried for a long time. My head really hurt. 

     I had been in the weird room for a whole day and I was very tired of it. Out of nowhere the light flashed and the intercom beeped. 

     "Hi Miriam, how are you?" Ky's friend asked me this like I would tell him I loved being trapped in a room. I made my best mean face towards the sky where his voice came from.

     "I'm mad Ky's friend," I told him in my sassy voice.

     He quickly responded to my pouty face,  just like sissy always did. "Why are you mad Miriam?" 

     "I don't like being in this room, and I want you to let me out right now," I screamed back at him!

     He sighed, "I will soon, but first I want to talk to you."

    "Why do you want to talk to me you're not my friend, you're Ky's?" I was very angry, hungry, and tired. My outfit was very uncomfortable too. I hated the noise it made when it rubbed against my skin. 

     "I want to be you're friend," he said in a comforting voice, that reminded me of my sisters. 

     "Let me out and then we can be friends," I ordered him.

     "If I let you out then your brother won't want to be my friend anymore." Why was Ky trapping me? I missed him. "I promise you if you hang out with me here for a little while you'll get to see your brother soon."

     "Fine, but how long is soon?" I needed to know exactly when or I would get very stressed out. 

     "Miriam soon will be soon, just hold on a little while longer please," he begged me. I didn't want him to be mad at me, but If I didn't have an exact time of when I got to see my brother I would lose my mind. Not knowing what to do next, I cried. "What's wrong?" He sounded worried. I wanted to tell him what was wrong, but I couldn't because I wasn't even really sure why I was upset. Anxiety filled my body, a wave of heat flashed through me, and it became hard for me to breathe. "In and out," he told me, but I could barley hear him now. The sound of my own heart beat was all I could hear.

     I laid down and closed my eyes. When ever I felt this way before sissy always told me to lie down, close my eyes, and think of things that made me happy. What makes me happy? Lily our puppy, mama who I missed so much, daddy's jokes, Ky's big hugs, gummy bears, and when sissy jumped rope and read with me. I imagined sissy next to me right now, rubbing my head and singing me a song. She always made me feel better. My thoughts slowed and before I knew it I had fallen asleep, humming Ky's favorite song.