Because We Had Us

Chapter 12. Fear's Best Friend

Jo

     I was loosing my mind. We had been trapped in the control room for 2 hours, and hadn't found even a trace of evidence to what COA could be trying to keep from us. Corin and I spent the time pressing buttons on the control panel as we held our breath, praying that one of these would open the door and not eject us into the sun or something else horrible.

     Miriam decided she was going to spend those two hours messing with my hair, calling for me to watch her dance, complaining about being hungry and how she had to pee, and constantly moving. She never sat down once no matter how many times I told her "be still please, or Mir please color quietly, we're trying to focus." She was relentless.

     When I impulsively put my sister on a way one ticket to space with me I didn't realize that I would be taking over the role of a mother. As far as we knew technically we still had a mom, but here in space I was big sister, mom, and therapist. Back on earth Miriam talked to a therapist weekly over the phone, and since we were in space we didn't really have that luxury anymore, even though at the time it felt more like a chore than a luxury. Having to talk about the same problems over and over to an awkward lady who gave us the same answers every time that never helped was definitely not our favorite part of the week, but sitting in that room with my spiraling sister who didn't know how to control her many emotions made me realize how much she needed those calls.

     Everything happened so fast I never thought about all the responsibilities I was taking on; I was in survival mode. I didn't have a psychology degree, I mean for goodness sakes I was only 18. I wasn't ready to be a mom; It was hard enough being a big sister sometimes.

     Nothing seemed fair anymore, though I knew my feelings were incredibly selfish I felt them. I felt resentment towards Miriam for needing me all of the time. I felt mad at God for giving Miriam Autism. I was incredibly upset that Corin could never understand the things I dealt with and didn't even want to look at him, but I think I was mostly mad at myself for not being equipped enough to be everything everyone needed, including myself.

     "Sissy," Miriam wailed, "Answer me!" Her tone grew angrier and angrier. I couldn't bring myself to utter a word. Corin awkwardly put his hand on my shoulder and whispered my name.

     "Jo," He started anxiously, "Do you need a minute?" Something about his word choice made me fume, though he was genuinely trying to help me.

     "No, Corin I don't need a minute I need a freaking lifetime!" Every feeling I had been trying to hide for so long had been brought to light with my cruel words. "I need all of the time in the world to be able to fulfill every one's needs, to be enough for her." Miriam grew silent. "I'm constantly giving and giving, but I can't be everything all at once; I will try and try until my last dying breath to be everything she needs but I don't think I have enough to give." I shrunk and instantly became ashamed of my words.

     "I'm sorry," I whispered as I walked towards the door. I put my hand on the knob to turn it, forgetting it was locked. When it wouldn't budge my face became red and heated. All I wanted to do was be alone, but that too was not attainable. My hand did not leave the handle of the door. I secretly hoped I could will it open with my desperation to escape the concerned eyes of those behind me, which I could feel staring into my broken soul. My feet refused to obey my brain which told them to move. I stayed in that same position for what felt like half an hour before Miriam grabbed my hand and took me to sit with her.

     We all sat in silence, but my anger had subsided. Some days I felt bipolar, but deep down I knew my raging emotions were that of grief and unresolved problems of my past that I never faced. Corin came and sat on the ground with us. A loud thud sounded from outside the door, but none of us responded to it. We assumed it was a just popping sounds of the ship's water supply, and no one was brave enough to break the somewhat peaceful silence. After a long while of sitting on the ground like school children at circle time a revelation practically glowed on Corin's face.