Static Radios and Broken Lights

14: Growing Pains

"Get out!" I shouted at him.

He flinched and disappeared. God fucking damn it.

I sat down on my bed and slammed my palms into my face. Why did I always get so angry? Especially at Cas. He didn't do anything wrong. I considered calling him back, to apologize, but I decided against it. He was scared. Scared of me. And he was hiding something. If he came back I knew I would try to force it out of him.

I couldn't sleep but I laid down anyway. When I decided to get up, the sun was just starting to rise outside. I went into the living room and sat on the couch.

I stared at the floor.

I loved Cas. We had been through so much together. He had saved my life again, after having already done so several times. I wanted to be with him for as long as I could. Despite all of that, I was starting to think that maybe we made a mistake.

He couldn't always be with me like I wanted. He was hiding things from me. And I kept pushing him away.

I didn't realize I was crying until Sam touched my shoulder. "What's wrong?" He asked, his face twisted with concern.

I looked up at him and felt silent tears roll down my cheeks. "Nothing."

"Don't lie to me," He said firmly.

I stood quickly and pushed him away, throwing my hands into his chest. I cried out, a strangled yell, and threw a punch. He dodged it and pushed me back, a safe distance away. I scrambled back and swung my arms. He caught them and trapped them against my chest, pinning me against a wall. "Let go!" I yelped, feeling my small sobs rise in my throat.

He pulled me into a hug. "It's okay, Dean. It's okay!"

"No!" I screamed it. I slid to my knees and folded over them, holding my head in my hands. "I'm just a fucking idiot." I slapped my head in frustration.

He rested on his knees in front of me. "What happened? Did Cas tell you?"

I looked up at him. "Tell me what?" I shouted. I grasped his shoulder and pointed forcefully at his chest. "Do you know what he's been hiding from me?"

He raised his hands defensively and shook his head. "If he didn't tell you then I can't either. It's not my place."

I pushed him away roughly. "Fuck you," I grumbled. I stood and turned towards the kitchen.

He looked at me sadly and turned away. He looked up at the ceiling. "Cas?" He asked. "Where are you?"

I groaned and walked to the liquor cabinet, searching for a bottle. I poured whiskey, and downed almost four doubles. I poured another, starting to feel my body go numb and the edges of my vision went blurry.

"Sam," It was Cas, suddenly in the living room. I could see him through the kitchen doorway, and I noticed sand on his boots and jeans. His details were all fuzzy. "Have you talked to him?"

They glanced my way. "He's ... upset," Sam said, definitely oversimplifying. I laughed and they looked at me again. "What happened with you guys last night? Did you try to tell him?"

"No," Cas sighed, tearing his eyes away from me. He stared at the floor. "I had a panic attack and started a fight."

Sam held the bridge of his nose. "What happened?"

Cas shook his head. "He wanted to help me," He gestured to a small box in his hand. "But you know he can't. And he got mad." He paused briefly and glanced at me. "We had a fight recently and he doesn't want my help. So I told him I didn't want his help on this, and he got mad."