Static Radios and Broken Lights

18: This Next Part

WARNING: This chapter contains sexual scenes, violence, gore, and themes of depression and suicide. Please use discretion when reading, as these themes may be disturbing or triggering for some readers.

I had made it Rowena's before the end of the second day. She was able to reverse the aggression spell, but not my feelings. Not the dark spiraling in my mind. "Dean, this is something not even magic can fix."

"Then what can fucking fix it?!"

Rowena jumped back and put some distance between us. I assume I looked insane. "I don't like that tone," She yelled. "I'm going to have to ask you to leave." She raised her hands at me, a threat. "Or I'll make you leave."

I huffed, and pulled on my jacket. "Fine," I growled, and slammed the door behind me. She had given me a hex bag, one to hide me from angels, and everyone, really. I didn't say thank you.

I ditched the stolen car a few towns over, and hitchhiked to Philadelphia. I figured a bigger city would hide me better, but I didn't have anything, no gun, no money, only a single four inch switchblade. So, Philadelphia. It was much closer than New York or Washington D.C.

So I sat on the sidewalk and tried desperately not to think about Cas. Or Sam.

The only valuable thing I had on me was the gold ring. I thought about selling it, to get some money, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was all I had of Cas. My husband. I tried not to cry because so many people were walking right past me, staring with disgust. I felt awful. 

I couldn't stop thinking about what I did, either. Choking Cas at the beach. Trying to kill that kid. Smashing that phone on Sammy's head. Biting Cas. Attacking him with that knife. Banishing him with the sigil. 

His scream rang in my ears.

I held my face in my hands and cried. Damn those people staring.

When it started to get dark, I found some woods and slept under a tree. A silent, sexually adept Cas visited me in my dreams that night and I couldn't bring myself to resist him. He kissed me and held me so close, like everything wasn't my fault. I couldn't resist it. But it was just a dream.

I woke up early in the morning around sunrise, and cried again. I could have prayed to him, but I had already made my decision.

I left him.

-

Castiel came crashing back to earth a few miles away from the motel. 

He was angry, but not because Dean had done this to him. He was angry because he couldn't stop Dean from leaving, blaming himself. And now he couldn't find him. He went back to the motel, to Sam.

"Cas," Sam breathed his name. "Where is he? Is he okay?"

Castiel just shook his head miserably. "I can't find him," He replied. "He's drawn warding sigils."

"We can track his phones," Sam suggested. He opened his laptop and took about ten minutes. "I've got him! He's still in town, look, here."

Castiel looked at the map on the computer, and grabbed Sam's shoulder. He flew them to the location, and they found only a pile of broken phones, tossed aside from the on-ramp to the highway. He screamed in frustration. "Where would he go, Sam?"

He brought them back to Sam's motel room, and Castiel sat down in defeat. He stared at his lap, and imagined Dean was there. He could feel the teeth biting down on him, but he knew it wasn't Dean's fault. Besides, the marks were gone, he had healed himself already. He looked at his silver ring, the one Dean had given to him all those months ago, and refused to blame him.