"Finding Him"

Chapter IV

In order to have time pass by, I quietly walked over to the bookshelf that's located in the corner of Rebecca's living room and picked up a few fashion magazines laying in a pile on the shelf. I turned to face the play pen, with the stack of magazines in my hand, to still see Landon resting in the same position, sound asleep. In a way, I sighed with relief as I tip toed my way back over to the spot on the couch I was sitting at previously and settled down opening the first magazine off the top of the stack. I kept getting distracted by peeking over the top of the magazine at the scene in front of me. It seemed almost like a brief picture of what life could be like with a little of my own: me sitting down reading, my little one asleep peacefully with the TV playing in the background, and toys scattered everywhere as a result from this mornings play session. It was that brief moment that really confirmed to me that this was something that I wanted more than ever. It was almost like this was the most perfect and calm moment I needed in order to collect my emotions and prepare myself for the day ahead.

*Just then, my attention directed back to the play pen with Landon now sitting up, looking down, and rubbing his eyes. His brown hair still looking as smooth and composed as ever (which I didn't understand how that could happen after his power nap). But, he was so quiet and such a cutie. He still had his blue paci in his mouth, he was wearing this 'Toy Story' Buzz Lightyear shirt obviously to match Kyle. He had on these cute blue socks to match with the shirt and you could tell that what once was his all-white diaper was now soaked and the wetness indicator disappeared. I felt my mommy heart strings tug with the natural instinct to 'act' and pick him up and hold him oh so tight. Especially, when it comes to waking up naps, what little wouldn't want to be snuggled until they are fully awake and wanting to play again? Just then, he stopped rubbing his eyes, he looked down at his soaked diaper and then looked at me and then back down at his diaper again. You could just sense the embarrassment that he was feeling it was just resonating off of him. His cheeks filled with a light shade of red that I thought for sure would trigger a massive crying spell. But, it didn't. I think just as I felt, he was feeling the same things: nervous, shy, unsure, but willing to be vulnerable and to try. I knew that a natural mommy thing to do would be to act first, but how? I grew more and more nervous as the silence and anticipation continued. And finally, I kept thinking enough was enough of being afraid. This community was all about building trust and relationships with others and building up of this unconditional love, who am I if I don't follow through with that? I closed my magazine, laid it on the couch, stood up, and slowly walked towards the play pen, where Landon was still sitting and looking down at his socks and tugging at them. My heart was skipping many beats with anticipating mommy love as I finally approached the pen with me standing over him. *

Ever so gentle I finally managed to speak, "Hey there Little Landon, I am Christina! Well, you can call me Cece. I am Rebecca and Kyle's friend."

*He looked up at me with his little tear-filled blue eyes. He didn't say a word and I could tell he was scared out of his ever-loving mind. So, I decided it was time to step-it-up a bit. *

"Hey Buddy, I know you're scared. And you know what kiddo, it's okay to be scared."

"Wh...where Ky?" he mumbled through his paci as he looked around.

"Where's Kyle? He's with his mommy. He woke up before you and needed to be changed. He'll be back soon sweetheart. It's okay," I calmly reassured.

*He wiped his eyes and continued to rub them and I then reached over the play pen towards him and softly grabbed his hands removed them from his eyes. *

"Hey, hey... don't keep rubbing your eyes. It's okay!"

"I out?" he asked so sweetly while extending his arms towards me.