Finally, after fifteen fucking years I finally graduated the Zeke Academy, meaning I'll be deployed to actually bash me some undead skulls. I'm so excited that I nearly pissed myself to the point that I forgot to provide a brief introduction. The name's Chuckles by the way, Chuckles Bittersweet, and I am soon to become an official certified Zed Cleaner. I live in Earth, well what's left of it anyway, considering zombies have taken over the whole fucking universe. How? Do I look like a fucking rocket scientist to you? I obviously don't so quit with your bullshit.
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That said, the zombie killing business has been going on for hundreds of years already. We can't permanently shut them down primarily because they frankly come from nothing. That's not even an exaggeration. These freaks rise at midnight and start chomping out of nowhere. We already managed to create a vaccine 69 years ago thinking this was all viral, but as it turns out, it wasn't fucking viral. These zeds came from absolute nowhere but the ground.
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We weren't the only timeline that was consumed by these flesh-driven corpses. We made alliances with other planets and intergalactic federations considering they too had this reoccurring issue. I'm not exaggerating when I say the dead are EVERYWHERE. Every timeline, every space, every edge of the galaxy, they're fucking right over there and right over here. It's like the big bang happened and somehow spawned an eternal void of satanic minions that exist in every planet.
We studied a lot of zombie theory back in university and from what I can remember, some implied that these zeds are spiritual predecessors from a lost bet. I heard that Heaven went bankrupt or something along those lines, exactly why this had to happen. Pretty much the only theory that made sense to me, considering God is a fucking alcoholic to begin with. I don't want to insult Christians because trust me, one of the best people I know out there is a Christian, and he packs me some raw firepower on steroids. That said, Christians smoke a lot of shit to get to those theories.
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Actually, a lot of theories require a lot of shit to smoke with. Whoever makes religion relevant in this crisis is a fucking genius. If it suits you and gives you a reason to not get eaten, then be my guest. If you're wondering why I'm jumping on this bandwagon way too much, it's because I used to have strict Jewish parents, until they sold me for some of that dough in the academy. They're dead now by the way, so you don't have to worry about them initiating emotional bias.
So, graduation. I'm currently just waiting for the intergalactic board exam where we'll be tested through a simulation. We just have to defend some tower from a particular number of dead-skins, no biggie, since I have my trusty old shotgun with me. Her name's Betsy by the way, and damn is she a real bitch. A lot of my mates don't really like me for having a shotgun fetish, but only real men name their guns. If you don't name your guns then you aren't worth shit. Respect the material good sir or ma'am, guns are your best friend and dogs are overrated.
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I think I've done enough for this entry and I'm fucking exhausted. I'm gonna go crack open some cans before I turn all sober and sensitive. I can't wait to finally get out of this shithole of a school and kill me some actual assholes to society.
