paraphilia / a.i

rosie

He's weird. Ashton.

Like before our encounter in the hallway he seemed like a cocky asshole who wanted nothing but sex. Half of that is right. In the hallway, he seemed different. More quiet, weaker. Nervous even. But why would he be nervous? It wasn't like I was a grizzly bear. Well maybe it was the fact that I threatened to break his arms. Probably shouldn't have taken that extreme.

Group was strange. People were so open about talking about their problems and what they need to fix or what they don't. It's commendable, their trust in the eight other people who they probably don't know very well, I'm assuming. Ashton, however, said nothing. He had his arms crossed over his chest and he slumped in his chair, staring at the ground the whole time. It was surprising that he didn't pass out. But, of course, I had to stand up and introduce myself and what my "problem" was. It was so uncomfortable, everything felt strange, I felt strange. I don't belong here. I want to go home so badly. My family shipped me out here so I could get the "best" treatment available for my problem. I haven't talked to them since I got on the plane, no calls, no letters, nothing. I mean I get it, they're busy with work. They shouldn't have to worry about how I'm doing in a psychiatric hospital. Not at all. Because it's not their problem, it's mine.

I stood up after collecting my thoughts finally, and I felt all the words I were going to say slip out of my mind as I made eye contact with Josh. He had a smile that looked a little too fake and was nodding his head at me to start. I swallowed the knot in my chest and glanced at the ground, and shut my eyes, taking a deep breath. I looked up and made eye contact with Ashton, his little grin and bright brown eyes pushing me to start talking.

"Well, um, I'm Rosie, I guess I'm here because I was diagnosed with major depression," I paused, I don't have to tell these people, do i? Just do it Rosie, they're all like you here.

"And I attempted suicide 11 times, and obviously failed." The silence in the room started to get unbearable, you could probably hear a hair drop. Everyone's faces fell, including Ashton's, everyone trying to understand that I, a popular girl with lots of money wanted to die. It's really not that strange actually. Josh spoke up quickly after clearing his throat, trying to break the empty silence.

"How do you feel today, Rosie?" That's honestly the worst question you could ask. I'm doing just wonderful I just feel like there's a boulder on my chest making it hard to breathe! It's no big deal! I had no clue how to even answer that.

"Honestly?"

"Like shit." I sat down and put my elbows on my knees, placing my head in between my hands. I squeezed my eyes shut, pushing out the bad things and tried to focus on something else. Like chocolate chip cookies or vacations in Fiji. It didn't work.

I sat there for a while after group ended, feeling sorry for my pathetic little self. If I hadn't swerved off the road none of this would be happening. If I had pressed harder on the accelerator, none of this would be happening. I wouldn't be happening. Before I could let any more thoughts consume me, a voice broke the silence.

"11 times huh?" I glanced up to see Ashton leaning against the door frame, his arms crossed over his chest. I sighed, taking my elbows off my knees and leaning back in the chair.

"It's not a big deal." I whispered, slamming my eyes shut while tilting my head back. Ashton chuckled, his feet hitting the floor, signaling that he was walking over to me. I heard the chair next to me squeak under his weight as he sighed.

"Bullshit." I opened my eyes, furrowing my eyebrows and looked at him.

"And here I thought you were a complete dick." I said seriously until his lips curved into a smile, making both of us start to laugh.

"Why are you here?" I asked, looking down to my fingers intertwined in my lap.

"I came to see if you were okay-"

"You know that's not what I meant." I interrupted him quickly, seeing his face fall from the corner of my eye. He waited a couple seconds before opening his mouth, but yet no words followed.

"I'm the lowest version of a paraphiliac."

"I've never heard of that before. What is it?" He waited a moment again before speaking, as if his problem would scare me away.

"I'm addicted to sex. Not to the point of a complete paraphiliac, where they want to have sex with children or even fake things or even animals, I just want sex all the time, and my brain doesn't let me think about anything else but sex." I nodded, my head still looking at the floor.

"I want sex all the time, with every girl, and sometimes I can't control my actions to get sex." My eyes widened and my heart continued to beat harder inside my chest.

"You're scared of me now, aren't you?" I finally turned to face him, leaning close into his face. I smiled gently before quickly kissing him on the cheek and standing, facing the door.

"Who doesn't like sex?"

-rosie