paraphilia / a.i

rosie

I haven't seen or heard of Ashton in a week and a half. They sent him down the locked hallway into isolation, either because he brought me outside or because we kissed. Either way, it was my fault too, he shouldn't be the only one punished for both of our actions.

Group has been extremely boring without him since we used to make faces at each other while Josh was talking, it always made me laugh. But now, I have to sit and get lectured as to why leaving without a chaperone is a major problem. I get it, i really do, but if they don't want people leaving they should probably lock the doors or get security. I mean it's common sense. And luckily, no one has brought up Ashton and I's kiss, if that's what it even was.

It was so sudden and kind of unexpected. It was nice. I felt like i was going to collaspe right there if our lips had stayed attatched any longer. I wouldn't have minded if we had kissed longer, I actually felt myself missing the kiss more than I intended. Even though it was short and sweet, i missed the short seconds we spent with our lips latched together. I'm being so cliche, jeez. But can you really blame me? His lips were so comfortable and soft i felt like i was on top of the clouds, when we were yelled at to come back inside, I'll admit, a part of me shattered. Not to the extent of complete breakage, just a slight crack. I just want to kiss him for hours and hours and do nothing else honestly. It was so weird that I was thinking like this so much. I would go to group and all that I could think about was his lips, and the i would go to my room and lay down and again think of his lips. It was an endless cycle of getting up and walking around only to sit down and go back to my train of thought.

I sit at lunch by myself now, I mean a couple of people sit at the same table, but at the other end, as i barely eat a fraction of the food they give me. It's not just the fact that I dont find myself hungry, the food looks disgusting. It looks just like the food back at school. Another thing I find I hate about this place. The resemblance to school.

The walls are patterned and the floors are grossly colored tile, and everyone wants nothing more than to escape these walls that keep us here. Everyone groans and moans on about how bad everything sucks here and how confined we all feel and it truly sucks because there's nothing we can do but continue on. It's hard to continue on for people like me sometimes. That's actually such an incorrect assumption. By people like me I don't mean popular people who have rich families, well yes, some of those people, jesus what am I even saying?

But this place, I don't know what feels different about it than actual high school really. The boys are different, I guess. Ashton's different. Maybe he's not though. Too much thinking.

Today, I sat at the lunch table that i normally sit at with myself, but a kid sat down next to me. We didn't speak, we just sat with our utensils clatering against the plastic trays. I thought he was friends of Ashton, atleast that's how i remembered him. Walking in the first day I think he was standing next to him. I'm not sure. He was kind of cute though, his hair was a sandy brown color, just like Ashtons', and his eyes were a soft blue and his face was actually really beautifully sculpted, it was hard to not stare at him. I went back to my room after lunch and I found myself wondering who this kid was and why i kept thinking about him and why I wasn't thinking about Ashton.

The kid sat with me before we went to group in the main room, he made me forget about Ashton for a little while and I'm not going to lie, it was nice. He told me his name was Jordan. He looked like a Jordan the more I think about it. He was very funny, he made me laugh, genuinly for the first time in a couple weeks, and his laugh made me want to keep laughing. We got to the point when the laughter settled down and we both wiped the tears from laughing so hard from our eyes and an uneasy feeling of seriousness settled over us. He asked me, "Why are you in this hell hole?", and I crossed my arms over my chest and said, "Depressed, suicidal." He nodded and I asked him the same thing. He hesitated and quietly spoke,

"My parents sent me here because they found out I had a boyfriend and they think this will 'fix' me." I nodded and both sat in the chaotic room, not saying a word. What Jordan told me really bothered me. Not his sexual orientation, but the way his parents treated him. The way someone feels about someone isn't something that can be fixed. And trying to prevent someone from liking or even loving someone usually does the opposite. After a couple minutes of silence, he looked up from his lap and smiled.

"You've done something to Ashton, you know," I furrowed my eyebrows and cocked my head, waiting for a continued explanation.

"He's been different ever since you walked in the front corridor." I looked away from him afraid that he would flip out at me, and accuse me of changing him for the worse or something completely insane.

"I think he likes you." I froze in my seat before turning to face Jordan. I started laughing, waiting for him to start laughing too, but he didn't.

"You can't be serious," He continued to explain how he went from cocky overegotistical asshat to softy but still a badass in the period of two hours after i walked in. I kept my head in my hands the entire time just to cover us my rosy red cheeks, well I assumed they were red, it would've surprised me if otherwise. Jen called us and told us that it was time for group and we both stood. He walked me to my group room and explained the dance that was this week that they have for parents to come and meet the workers and all the people that their kids would be surrounded by.

"He'll ask you. I bet you $20 right now." I rolled my eyes and shook his hand just to make him feel better. I wasn't going to go, my parents wouldn't find the time to fly out here just for one night. They have lives. There was no point of going anyway.

We said our goodbyes and I walked into group for once with a smile and Ashton on my mind once again.

an.

holy shit really sorry for not updating last week, i was suffering from major writers block but i am better now and this chapter is so bad i appologize, but before any of y'all get mad at me for the plot of this story just don't read it ok, i'm writing this for me.