paraphilia / a.i

ashton

I got isolation for two weeks. t w o. It's been a day and I already want to rip my hair out.
In isolation, you have nothing but a bed. You aren't allowed to leave unless you have one of the big "tough" body guards walk you to the bathroom or to get lunch. So far I haven't been let out. Even to go to the bathroom. There's an old toilet in here, it's basically a jail cell. All because I kissed Rosie. All because I took her outside and kissed her. Either one could've gotten me in trouble, but I feel like the kiss was the most troubling concept.
She wanted to kiss me. Me, the recovering sex addict who she knows could've taken advantage of her. Me, the pathetic idiot who somehow found himself falling for a girl who hasn't even been in his life for two weeks. It just didn't make any sense. Like she had the chance to turn her cheek and reject me, she could've said no to going outside or she could've even not bothered to talk to me at all.
But she broke the first rule we all were told when we first got put in here. I guess I broke it too, I was the one who kissed her. But she kissed me back.
"No sexual contact with anyone, not even of the same sex." Jens nasily voice echoed in my head and yet, kissing was hardly a "sexual" contact, right?
It's all I've been thinking about for the past eight hours. Kissing her. Nothing else.
Jesus, I'm so, I don't even know what I am.
I hope Rosie didn't get put into isolation as well. She wouldn't have, she's only been here two weeks, Jen likes her. To Jen, I'm just the rebelious asshole who thinks he can do whatever he wants and he'll get away with it.
I mean before here, I was sure as hell that was a perfect description of who I was. I wanted sex, I got sex. I wanted to punch someone in the face, I punched someone in the face. I didn't have rules, I lived to my own restrictions, yet apparently I had none.
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I stopped writing earlier. I felt like my head was going to explode. I tried to take a nap but the constant thought of her lips on mine bugged the shit out of me. Her lips were so pretty and pale and it was so natural kissing her. It felt like I had been doing it for years. I'm glad Dr. Morri doesn't read our journals because knowing how our last session went and how he brought up me possibly liking a girl he would just laugh. But if he knew it was Rosie, I would never be allowed to see her anymore. He would take me out of that group and put me on a different schedule and he would get away with it because he's the therapist here and everyone would believe it's just for my own benefit.
I know it's against the rules, and Rosie doesn't seem like the person to want to break the rules, but then again, I don't know much about her anyway.
I honestly don't care if Rosie and I are just friends. Okay I can hear the bullshit through the paper. If it were any place but here I would've definetly gone for it at this point. Rosie is just all I think about and it's driving me insane. Again, it made no sense to me that this girl made me feel so out of control. I felt like i was just a baby, i couldn't even figure out my feelings for her. If there were any feelings for her.

My mind kept flashing back to her lips and how nice they felt against mine, and how much i'd give to just kiss her again. But i know if I did kiss her again, i wouldn't let myself stop. My mind would convince me to take it further and I don't want to scare her away. I feel something between us and it's so strange because, well, I don't feel these types of emotions. Plain and simple. I'm a cold hearted asshole, who craves sex at all times of the day, wants sex, that's all i am. A sex craving maniac who has little potential and nothing better to do with his life besides have sex. At this point, I had almost torn out all my hair, all this thinking was too much.

Maybe it was a good thing they put me in here. Maybe at the end of these two weeks I won't give a shit about Rosie anymore and this is just a phase. This whole "emotions" thing is just a phase. I can go back to being the dick that everyone here knows me as. Rosie can forget about me probably within a second, I mean, she's a pretty popular girl, or atleast she was popular. I'm sure she had boys all over her, probably had tons of boyfriends, I would be just a guy she met in a hospital. I found my hands to be gripping the sheets as if it would save my life. I felt tense all over, yes even there, and I felt so frustrated.

She wasn't even my girlfriend, or really even my friend for that matter, but I couldn't stop thinking about how many guys she's probably kissed with or possibly even had sex with, and the fact that none of them were me.

I was so fucking wrong about how this was going to be a phase. I needed her. I don't need anyone but i need her.