paraphilia / a.i

ashton

It was such a strange feeling to know that someone didn't feel terrified around me. Rosie looked at me with the kindest eyes and a part of me wanted to take her back to my room and do things that I know I shouldn't want to do, things that would get me and possibly her sent into isolation, but another part of me just wanted to kiss her. Her beautifully carved lips that seemed to be the only thing in my mind, making every day pass by seemingly slow.

It wasn't like I've never kissed a girl, not even close. I've had plenty of kisses to last me a lifetime, but this felt different. It made no sense to me whatsoever that this girl, this girl who came into my life less than a week ago, morphed me into a person I didn't know. But I didn't really care.

My session with Dr. Morri went a lot different than the past few have, I barely spoke and when I did, jumbles of swearing and vulgarity didn't launch out like he expected.

"Ashton," I snapped out of my gaze on tiled-polka dotted floor and looked up quickly.

"Hm?"

"Are you alright? You haven't sworn at me once since you stepped in the door." He chuckled, folding his hands together on top of his desk.

"I don't really understand what's happening to me." He rose his eyebrows at me and pulled out his notepad and clicked his pen, nodding his head, signaling for me to continue.

"I just feel different."

"What do you mean, 'different'?"

"I feel not me. I feel like someone took my body and replaced it with someone who doesn't live my life with my problems or my feelings. I feel happy and happy isn't a quality I am entitled to. Happiness is for those who deserve it. I don't deserve to be happy." I quickly shot out the words, feeling the knot grow in my chest.

"Ashton, you are a human and as a human you are entitled to every emotion that is out there. You can't focus on all the negativity or the voices in your head that tell you lies. What brought this feeling on?" My eyes glanced around the room as my palms began to sweat.

"It's a girl isn't it," It sounded more like a statement than a question.

"She's just a girl. That's what my mind can't process." He laughed, in a sort of mocking way and a little bubble of anger floated in my stomach.

"Ashton, what makes you say that? Are you not going to allow yourself to develop feelings for this girl? That would do you more harm, holding you back, than it would do good."

"I can't like her."

"Why-"

"Because I'll fuck up somehow! I always screw up something! It's just what I do!" His face fell into an almost evil grin, and spun in his chair so he was no longer facing me.

"Your sessions over." I stood up, stunned, and barged out of the room. My hands ran through my hair and I walked quickly down the hallway into the main hall where everyone normally hung out together or watched tv or did whatever they wanted to do. I dropped my hands from my head as I glanced around looking for the guys or Rosie. My heart sank in my chest as I couldn't find anyone around, anyone that I was willing to talk to anyway.

I took my place on the couch, kicking my feet up and putting my hands under my head as I shut my eyes. I still didn't understand my feelings for Rosie, if there were any. Why does my head not think the same things as it normally does anymore? It felt like I was losing a part of myself, and for some reason I wanted to lose it. I wanted to lose every thought and every bad thing about my past and just myself in general, really.

A finger poked the side of my head, just next to my temple and a giggle escaped from her mouth. I opened my eyes to see Rosie standing right above me, her hair falling in front of her face. A smile instantly rose to my face as I sat up and she giggled again. I really did lose myself, didn't i?

"Good morning sleepy head." She broke out in a fit of giggles again as she ruffled my already messy hair, as I rolled my eyes playfully and took her hand out of my hair.

"How did your session go?" She said finally after the giggles ceased.

"Shit." I said just cringing at the memory of him making fun of me for possibly liking a girl. Which I don't. I can't. I don't want to like a girl. As I've seen from friends personal experiences, having and/or liking a girl is a tragic mess. I don't need anymore mess in my life.

Jesus, why was I overthinking this so much? She's just a fucking girl, Ashton. A fucking girl. A girl who you have no chance with anyway. My subconscious fought me for what felt like hours until Rosie snapped her fingers in front of my face, sending me back to reality.

"You okay?" She lightly chuckled.

"What? Oh yeah, I'm fine, just thinking that's all." I flashed her a fake smile, the fakest one I could pull off, but by her expression I could tell she could see right through me. She crossed her legs over each other and folded her hands in her lap, and started to fiddle with them as she impatiently waited for me to continue. After a couple seconds of silence she laughed and raised her eyebrows at me.

"What are you thinking about?' Okay, I have two options. A) Lie and hope I get away with it or B) tell her the truth and hope she doesn't laugh in my face. Fuck, I'm gonna regret this.

"Can we go somewhere?" Her face softened and his eyes looked sad as she nodded her head. I stood and held me hand out for her, which she gladly took with a slight smile.