ᥴꪖꪶꪶ ꪑꫀ B.E

53

date: 7/30/20
Imagine making out to play date by Melanie on your Bluetooth led lights with like blue or purple lights. Ik that's like 'not the purpose of the song' but idc that song is hot tf-

⛔️⚠️WARNING ⛔️ ⚠️  SENSITIVE THINGS WILL BE MENTIONED SO IF YOU ARENT ABLE TO HANDLE IT  I WILL MAKE A RECAP FOR YOU NEXT CHAPTER ⛔️⚠️

Y/n pov

"I gotta go but I'll be back. I gotta go home and check in with mom. I probably won't be back till like late because of my birthday party" she said sitting up and getting off of the bed.

"Alright. I'm gonna re watch American horror story since I literally have nothing to fucking do"

"Well then you'll have a lot of time to think about rehab"She said putting her shoes. "Not that it matters anyways because I'm gonna make you go"

"Whatever you say bil" I said taking a deep breath. Billie takes her phone and leaves. "So... I haven't seen you in 7 months" I say to my mom without even looking at her. Is it even my mom? Because no-

"I see you still haven't changed" she said crossing her arms.

"Yup still gay as hell. According to you and your translated bible that's where I'll be going"

"Not that. Drugs"

"I wish people would stop talking about it" I mumble.

"I'm suprised you're still alive. I thought once you moved out you would grow up and stop-"

"You kicked me out. Remember?"

"I did and when I did I thought it would be the last time I saw you in one of these" she said touching the cover bed. I just looked at her hand and raised my eyebrow and she moved it. "You know how many times this has happened?"

"3 times" I mumble. It's just like being in trouble at home. She can be emotional all she wants.  Keep that same energy she was giving me 7 months ago.

"Thank God you survived them all"

"I eat pussy. I'm not pussy. It's a difference" I chuckled but my mom didn't. She ignored my comment.

"Do you remember the first time it happened?"

"Can we not- unlike you I don't wanna even think about" I said raising my knees up to my chest.

"I do blame myself for a lot but I will say this is all of my fault"

"Well at least you're owning up to something"

"I didn't know that night that I would find my 14 year old daughter-" I stopped listening then. Yea I'm still very fucking mad at her but seeing her cry about that is kinda hard.

My parents have been divorced since my second year of middle school. It was weird and a annoying process for me. I was kinda afraid of my dad..he had bad anger issues so- but I mean it's always something weird with church men so I don't know. At this point I didn't know that I was gay or I just didn't wanna admit to the fact. I just didn't wanna be that kid to get called the f slur.

Every weekend I had to go to my dad's and ducking hated it. He was a big alcoholic. Him and his wife. That's where I had alcohol for the first time. My step mom let me. She was kinda cool and chill though. Unlike my dad she wasn't out for my guts. She kinda let me do whatever I like.

8th grade is when I realized I was gay. My first girlfriend. Kinda funny to think about. I don't think of her as my ex though. Ah I remember that shit like yesterday. First love is tough though. You get attached wayyyy to easy. It's because you're new to it.

My stepmom had picked me up early Friday because my mom had to work a extra shift. At this point i like my step mom better then my actual mom. She wasn't homophobic, she was nice, and she kinda didn't give a fuck of what I did. To be honest if it wasn't for her I probably wouldn't be doing half the stuff I do.

My stepmom took me out for ice cream because it was on the way. When we got home we binged some movies that she wanted to watch. They were getting work done on their home because they wanted to make it seem nicer for when they put it on the market. My dad wanted to move so he could get away from my mom and not have to keep me every weekend.

I had to go take a piss but because of where they were working at I just decided I would use the bathroom in my dad and stepmom room.

When I came out my dad was in his room. He was drunk of course but his drunk self was kinda his personality so I knew to just fuck off.

He started mumbling under his breath and shit like a manic but again I fucked off. He was drunk and I didn't wanna like get him mad. He snapped at me for not 'understanding what he said'

I jumped, apologized and said I couldn't couldn't hear him. H e walked up closed to me. So fucking close that I could smell exactly what he was drinking. He told me that he didn't like what I was wearing. He said I looked like a fag. He told I should change which I was not comfortable doing at all.

I was a developed mother fucker so I didn't really wanna show myself. I tried to go back in the bathroom but he insisted that I did it on the bed in front of him.

At this point I wanted to fucking run but that could end up bad too. He watched me take my clothes of and found it entertaining to be exact. I knew it weird as hell so I tried to quickly get my new clothes back on. Before I could grab onto the shirt he grabbed in to my  hand tightly.

I tried get him off but that's when he held down the other. Most of it I tried to push out if my mind but you shit like that doesn't get out of your mind. It's a blur and history to me.

I do remember to my face being crusted and my eyes stinging. By the time I made it back to my room my step mom was passed out on my bed. Probably from the shit she took that day.

That night I had called my mom secretly to pick me up because I felt sick and dad was sleep. She kept telling me to wake him up but I told her that I probably home sick and I wouldn't be better till I got home. It was around like 3am. I took a few pill bottles out of their drawers and put them in my bag. They wouldn't notice. They had cabinet full of them.

By the time my mom picked me up it 3:30 and 4 once we got home. I didn't speak to her at all. To be honest I hadn't talked to anyone since it had happened. I probably cried for 6 hours straight.

I don't know why. Not like it would help. I was kinda just yelling at myself or upset with myself. The issue with my dad, I was gay, my parents was homophobic, I wasn't getting the attention that I wanted, no one was actually showing me love except for my step mom...kinda.

I thought that I finished a bottle the 'high phase' would last longer and stronger because more pills but no. My dumbass overdosed. I woke in the hospital. Cried for 4 more hours. Took the nurses foreverrrr to calm me  down. Once they got me to speak I had to tell them pretty much everything. It was hard because I was pretty much forced to even though I wasn't even ready. That earned me a  years of therapy, a father who got away with rape, no step mom, and my birth mom forced me to go to church every Sunday because it was supposed to be helpful in some way.

Second time I overdosed was my sophomore year when I thought it was a good idea to try 'shooting it up' first and last time I ever tried it.

I looked down and my mom was really bawling her eyes out into my lap. I didn't really noticed till I got out my head. "It's ok...im fine" I said running my hands through her hair. Maybe I should go to rehab but I don't wanna be in a fucking building for weeks. To be honest I don't think I have a choice.

Date 7/30/20