1| Today Tonight Tomorrow

02| ineffable

02

ineffable

too great to be expressed in words.

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Lonely for Me by pastels, Ghosting

Our Song by Taylor Swift 

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My tutor was long gone the moment I woke up since I was asleep throughout our supposed to be whole six-hour scheduled lecture. She was off to her next student. I heard she handles twelve in a day.

I groaned when I felt my head spinning as I stood up to kick the IV stand, causing me to run to the toilet and puke my guts out. I had a fainting episode (Wasn't faking it) during the middle of hyperventilating and a panic attack prior to a retest in foreign languages. It was my fourth try, and I was so determined not to fail once again.

"Aggh! Taste like spoiled milk, ham, and well, sht!" I exclaimed weakly and cuckled a bit.  A habit of mine when I would get stuck in an intense situation. With that, I earned a scowl and a lecture.

"Language, Irene." Audrey, my personal nurse, scolded as she helped me get cleaned up.

Audrey has been with me since the day I moved in the household. When I was younger, my Uncle was much more busier in work and had no time to accompany me. Thus, he decided to get me a nanny. It was then Audrey came in my life. Though, when the news of me dying gave her a new title to take and that was how she became my own nurse.

As I stood up from the bathroom floor, there was no denying of that "I'm freaking burning!!" feeling from my stomach. Despite loving it before (ED gives you strange fetishes), I grew to hate puking. It was fine, but in the end, it drains me with no mercy.

I was back in the comfort of my room. If someone's wondering, it's the size of my Aunt Mika's first salon (included walk-in closet and the "world-class" bathroom). My room is my sanctuary. I could do anything here- cry, go crazy, hide my food under the bed, etc. It's often clean unless I would dedicate the day to writing the highlights of my lowlife. Believe me, when I would say, crumpled yellow papers would fill the room in every nook, corner, and space.

"Irene, here are your meds." Audrey lended me the small tray filled with different (yet all disgusting) colored pills.

"Bottoms up!" I said as I took them all in my mouth in one swift and quickly chugged them down with a glass of water.

Pathetic.

"Did you say something?" I asked Audrey which she replied with a no.

I hate the meds but got no choice to drink it up. If I don't want Audrey to take away the tv remote and phone that kept me sane in this boring lockdown, I have to do everything that she would ask of me.

After drinking the horrible pills, I lied in bed, closing my eyes as I sang along to Taylor Swift "Our Song" playing in my AirPods. 

"Here's to distracting myself from curling into a ball and crying myself to sleep till I wake up with an insane nightmare." I thought.

"I was riding shotgun with my hair undone in the front seat of his car, He's got a one-hand feel on the steering wheel, The other on my heart..."

DIE!

"I look around, turn the radio down, he says, "baby is something wrong?""

THEY'RE OFF WITHOUT YOU, YOU SPOILED BRAT!"

"I say "nothing, I was just thinking..."

KILL YOURSELF... STARVE...

"...how we don't have a song, " And he says,"

UGLY...

FAT...

YOU ARE NOTHING...

YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH, IRENE ALDEN!

"Our song is a slamming screen door, Sneaking out late tapping on your window, When we're on the phone and you talk real slow, 'Cause it's late and your mama don't know, Our song is the way you laugh, The first date man I didn't kiss her when I should have, And when I got home, before I said amen, Asking God if He could play it again..."

Inhale... Exhale...

"Irene, will you be fine if I go to the loo for a while?" Audrey asked as she finishes folding my towels, clueless of my hyperventilating.

"Yeah... Sure... I'll be fine... I'm fine."

DIE, YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE OF AN ALDEN!

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