03
eccedentesiast
Someone who hides pain behind a smile.
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Somewhat Sentimental by pastels
Sit Still, Look Pretty by Daya
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"Rice has 130 calories, back ribs have 250 and banana has 89... That's 469." Shoot. Should not have said that.
I was in the middle of painfully eating my meal, with Audrey and Law (the butler) observing over me when the stupidest of things came out of my mouth.
"Irene, we talked about this..." Audrey slowly said as if she was talking to a baby. A baby that weighs probably two hundred pounds with all the calories it has been taking for the past months.
Audrey was the one who found out I have a "horrifying" (I don't think so) eating disorder amidst my heart problems and depression. Since then, she did everything in her power to fill the "void" in my heart or whatever she means (????) that caused this drama.
"I know, mom" I sarcastically said as I rolled my eyes. I took a deep breath.
All the bravery in me was gone in a flash as I stared at my plate with fright. I carefully took my spoon with a shaky hand.
"You can do this, gal.-- Could dress up...To get love...But guess what? I'm never gonna be that girl...Who's living in a Barbie world..."
You are imperfectly perfect and that makes you special...
SPECIAL? A PERSON WITH ED AND A HEART DISEASE IS SPECIAL? YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.
Here go the voices again, destroying every bit of me every chance it got.
" *Deep breath* Could wake up...And make up...And play dumb ...Pretending that I need a boy...Who's gonna treat me like a toy..."
YOU are imperfectly perfect and that makes you special...
UGLY!
"Inhale exhale...--I know the other girlies.... wanna wear expensive things...Like d-diamond rings..."
You are imperfectly perfect and that makes you special...
WEAKLING... WEAK IRENE ALDEN..
"B-But I d-don't wanna be the puppet that you're playing on a string..."
You are imperfectly perfect and that makes you special...
FAT!
You are imperfectly perfect and that makes you special...
YOU ARE NOTHING!
"This queen don't need a king" Law finishes with a smile.
"SHUT UP!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, banging my hands at the table. Stupid voices! Can't they just stop messing with me.
"Irene, are you all right?" Law went near me as Audrey took away the plate in front of me and hugged me protectively. Shoot! I lost it for a second.
"Yeah... I'm all right."
You're... Perfect
I sat at my chair once again as Audrey places back my plate in front of me. I quickly put the spoon in my mouth. Yes, chew... chew...
"I... I'm done. Errrr... Goodnight." I quickly bid my goodbye and left the room. I lost to it again.
***
The room is dark, all the light I could see was from the laptop that sits on my study table, and from the small lamp beside it. I stared at the empty word document and at the clean yellow pad in front of me as I sat at my favorite furry swiveling chair with me knees beneath my chin and my mind at the oblivion thinking of the words to write in my English essay assignment that my tutor left for me to do (she saw her student faint in front of her and she even has the audacity to leave a homework? Seriously?). As I was very focused on thinking, I did not hear the opening of my door.
"Hey, kiddo!" My uncle greeted, almost making me jump.
"You're home? I thought you're coming back next week." I asked, totally confused of his early arrival. This never happens. Sure, I am thrilled he is back at his home sweet home, but the dinner incident just happened. After months of doing okay, I lost it and he will go all dad-mode because of that, and I hate it when it happens.
"Well, I also thought you're doing fine, Irene. Audrey and Law told me about dinner. Are you all right, sweetie? You know you can always talk to me anytime." My uncle sayid as he placed a hand at my shoulder. I sighed. Here we go again.
"I'm fine. I just... I..." I said, drawling on as I thought of something to reason out, then I remembered about high school.
"I just... It's getting me insane that I only have my personal nurse and butler for me to talk to. I don't have my friends visiting me because you prohibit so. You even deleted my social media accounts and connected my gadgets to a family link. I... I just... I just want to go back to school, Uncle." I almost screamed saying.
A moment of silence covered upon us as he looked at me with a face of pity I always would trying to escape.
"*sigh* I'll think about it, honey. Anyway, you can stop doing that assignment. I'll talk to Miss Gomez about it tomorrow. Now, go to bed and rest." My Uncle sternly asked of me as he dragged me to my bed and tucked me in like he always did for the past eight years.
"Goodnight, Uncle," I said as he left the room and closed the door behind him.
I laid in bed as I stared at the ceiling. Both my hands sat above my chest as I daydreamed of another reality I could have, but then shut it off as I thought back to what my Uncle said. I needed to sleep. I closed my eyes and let the tiredness of my body drown me down, but... nothing happens.
"Sleep, stupid," I mumbled to myself as I thought of the lullaby my grandmother sang to me when she was still alive.
"Sleep, my dear. The coast is clear. No one can harm you. Both the boys stand by your door to scare away the beast. Come, it not. Scared of their swords. So, the eyes that shine by the dark leaves away back to the shadows. So, my dear, the coast is clear. No one can harm you."
Nothing. I couldn't sleep. And the voices will soon come to hunt me down in a minute.
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