How I Cope (z.s.)

11.

He froze.

Harry: "zayn I...this is what I was fucking afraid of...shit."

Harry stood up and hung over the balcony, trying his best to keep the tears from falling.

Zayn: "it's okay, I promise"

Harry turned to face zayn with tears streaming down his face.

Harry: "but it's not...you see, you're engaged Z, and I'm falling for you so damn hard"

Zayn took a deep breath, he didn't really know what to say. Harry was ultimately right. He just got engaged last night.

Harry: "and I'm stuck feeling like I'm only useful for my body and it fucking sucks."

After that, Harry stormed back inside and without saying anything.

Niall: "woah haz, what's going on?!"

Harry couldn't answer, he felt like he could break down and cry right there.

He didn't know it could hurt any worse than it did last night, but life proved him wrong once again.

On his way to the elevators to head back down to his room he ran into Paul and Julian.

Julian: "fuck Harry what's going on?!"

At that point he was done. He couldn't hold it in any longer.

Harry: "I-I can't fucking breathe...I-I need to c-call my mum please...just, please g-get her on the phone"

Julian didn't even question Harry's needs, he hurried to dial his mom even though it was late and she picked up almost instantly.

Anne: "hello?"

Harry: "m-mum..."

Anne: "baby, did you lose your phone?!"

Harry: "n-no I just c-can't do this anymore"

Anne: "calm down okay?"

Harry: "I want to come home"

Anne: "don't talk like that, you're living your dream love"

Harry: "I feel so empty mum"

Anne: "is this about Zayn?"

Harry froze, he didn't know his mom knew he had feelings for Zayn.

Harry: "you...you know mum?"

Anne: "you've loved that boys since you saw him at your audition honey, of course I knew."

Harry: "I-I feel like my heart just shattered"

Anne: "because of the engagement?"

Harry: "mhm"

Anne: "listen baby, this is something that god has put you through because he knows you can get through it yes?"

Harry: "I dunno mum I-"

Anne: "Harry Edward Styles."

Harry: "okay...I believe you"

Anne: "so stand your ass up, wipe off your tears and do whatever it takes to find your happiness again baby boy."

Harry: "I'm gonna try mum"

Anne: "you'd better try your hardest"

Harry: "only for you"

Anne: "no, only for yourself"

Harry: "I love you mum"

Anne: "I love you too bub, stay happy"

Harry never knew how his mom was so well with words. She knew exactly what to say and when to say it.

Paul: "you gonna be alright?"

Harry: "I have to be, there's so many people that love me and need me to be strong for them"

Paul: "you're the most humble and kind guy I've ever met Harry"

Harry: "I appreciate it Paul"

Paul: "go wash those tears off and get to bed, we leave for tour rehearsals tomorrow"

The boys were 4 months out from tour and rehearsals with the set started tomorrow.

Harry listened, and made his way down to his room by himself.

Zayn knew now. He knew that Harry had genuine feelings for him. He knew that Niall was cheating. What in the world did all of this mean?

When he got back he jumped in the shower to clear is head, and all it did was the opposite. He found himself leaning against the shower door with tears in his eyes, unable to control the emotions leaving him.

(TRIGGER WARNING DONT READ IF YOURE EASILY TRIGGERED BY SELF HARM)

He'd never been someone to self harm or hurt himself in anyway physically, but in that moment he wondered if the physical pain would take away from the emotional heart break he was feeling.

So he broke the blade out of the razor and slid it across his wrist, watching the red blood seep out of the newly wretched cut.

Harry: "fuck!"

He did it two more times, leaving three ripped marks on his newly broken skin.

After a few minutes of watching the blood slowly trickle down his arm, he ran it under warm water and let the sting take over.

It felt so much better than heartbreak, but at the same time, he knew he would get in so much trouble if management, Paul, Julian, or any of the boys saw his arm.

The task at hand, now being how to conceal and hide his wrist until it's healed.

He spent the next hour looking up ways to hide it, making up stories on how he cut himself on accident, and deciding if he wanted to do it again.

Right before he was about to turn his light off, a knock came at the door, he didn't have time to put a shirt on, so he decided to hide his wrist behind his back.

When he opened it, there was Zayn.

Zayn: "hey I uh...I came to talk"

He didn't know what to say. He wanted to let him in, but at the same time, he never could control his urges around him. Zayn was like a magnet that Harry couldn't stay far enough from.

He wanted him.

No.

He needed him.