running on empty

1 // Oreos.

please mind the tags!! i'm going to try my best to paint a realistic picture of how this disorder actually affects people based off of my own experiences and research, which does include glorifying EDs through Ethan's perspective. while many sufferers don't view this behavior as harmful (especially in the early stages) that is Absolutely untrue, and if you find yourself struggling with something like this /please/ seek help. EDs aren't fun and games, or something that just "goes away once you reach your goal" as many believe. take care of yourselves guys <3

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Ethan stared at the boxes of oreos. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, he knew that it was just a simple question. Mark just wanted to know what kind of oreo he wanted, not the answers to the universe. It wasn't that hard. But the less logical part of his brain - the one currently blanking in a fit of panic - felt like this decision was life or death. Getting fat or losing weight.

"I like double stuff, but let's do regular," he eventually answered. His friend paused in reaching for the double stuffed oreos, and Ethan's breath caught in his throat at Mark's hesitation. He didn't know why, exactly, he was so scared of how Mark reacted to the choice. It wasn't like he had confessed to murdering anyone, or having some other dirty secret. Nevertheless, the panic remained, and after a beat of silence he laughed awkwardly to throw off the perceived one-sided tension. "'Cause we're going to be eating so many oreos, you know? Let's just do regular."

"We could try both," Mark shot back. His voice had a subtle hard edge to it - not something you would notice unless you were looking for it. Maybe he was upset about buying both boxes if Ethan only wanted to use one, but he had a feeling that that wasn't the reason and that scared him even more. The younger man averted his eyes and giggled nervously again. His left hand gripped tightly onto his right wrist, reminding himself of what he was fighting for.

Ethan sucked in a deep breath before nodding. "We could try both," he ultimately conceded, deciding that he didn't want to argue in the middle of a video. That would be weird, even if the innocuous box scared the shit out of him. He stared at the package of double stuff once more, breathing out slowly through his nose.

After a beat, he nodded again, more resolutely this time, and looked back up at his friend. The strange, almost searching, look in his dark brown eyes made the nerves in his stomach reappear, but he ignored it, desperately trying not to let on that something was wrong. Even if the logical part of his mind screamed that being scared of a slightly-more-filled oreo was definitely, undeniably wrong.

They maintained eye contact, Mark seemingly trying to pry into his very soul and Ethan frantically trying to slam shut and lock the doors to his thoughts before he could. Finally, Mark smiled thinly, and they moved onto the first dunk.

Minus the beginning hiccup, the rest of the video flew by without an obvious hitch. They had gagged at certain combinations, Mark found a couple that he liked, and they had had enough banter and content for a decent-length video. Ethan heaved a sigh of relief once they had dunked the last oreos, thankful that the ordeal was over. He was so sick of trying to force the cookie into his mouth, down his throat, and not think about the consequences of doing so.

However, he had managed to make the situation slightly easier on himself - he had thrown away half the oreo once they had reached the "grosser" liquids, knowing that he could blame the waste on the horrid flavor. Because of this he thankfully wasn't as close to breaking down as he thought he'd be.

He could live with the calories as long as he didn't eat anything until the next day.

Satisfied, they turned off all of the cameras, getting ready to take a break from filming. Easy jokes and banter flew between them as they stacked cups in the sink and Ethan tossed expired food, and the inner turmoil he had felt before seemed to melt away.

"Hey, Ethan?" Mark asked from the sink, after most of the mess had been cleaned up. His voice was soft, and concerned enough that Ethan looked up at him immediately. The older man turned slightly towards him at the waist, and Ethan could see that his eyebrows were furrowed and his forehead was creased with worry. Another small spike of panic shot through him seeing his friend so concerned. "I noticed that you, uh... You kept tossing the oreos away today. Does that have anything to do with what you said when we were filming the cookie dough video?"

For the second time that day his breath hitched, terrified of being caught. Which was strange, because he was an adult who could make his own choices, and there wasn't anything wrong with dieting anyway. Still, the fear remained, and he spiralled into his own brain trying to remember his excuse from earlier.

When he looked back up, Mark's narrowing eyes and sharp, curious gaze snapped him out of his panicked daze and he startled back to reality. "Oh, I didn't think you noticed. No, it doesn't have to do with what I said - which was a joke, by the way, haha funny comedy," he used an over-the-top weird voice, trying hard to sell what he was saying, "- they were just gross." He knew it was a poorly constructed lie, and judging by the look on Mark's face he knew it too. His friend's face fell before he pursed his lips and smoothed out his features, letting out a long sigh. His eyes remained just as intense, though, boring into Ethan's own.

A tense silence passed between the two before the older man broke eye contact. "Okay then. It's a big waste of food, though."

Ethan nodded, guilt clogging his throat. He opened his mouth to say something, most likely an apology, but closed it a moment later. It was fine. It would all be fine once he reached his goal. He was sure of it.