Weeping Willows

One Step at a Time

Chapter 21

                Elizabeth stood staring at the sight of her house all lit up and the porch light aglow.  Ryan was making his way down her wooden steps calling out her name.  The light from the house back-lighting him in stark contrast to the night.  Her breathing picked up as her heart thudded painfully in her chest.  She was confused over her visceral reaction when she had turned to see him standing on her porch.  There were no other words but the comforting feeling of home.  What was wrong with her?  Was it because she had been petrified only moments before?  Possibly.  Was it a left over remnant from her time at the spring?  Maybe.  Or could it be despite her initial misgivings of getting into a relationship with him she had deeper feelings then she knew?  She just wasn't sure anymore what was going on with her.  She stood rooted to her spot as he made his way to her.  Her mind a mess of thoughts and emotions. Upon reaching her he took a hold of her arms looking her over in worry.

                "Lizzy are you okay?  You look like you've seen a ghost."  His words broke the spell she was stuck in and she snickered shaking her head.

                "I'm alright I was just surprised to see you.  I wasn't expecting company today."  Ryan smiled shyly at her as they walked together back to the house.

                "We were banned from the festivities yesterday so I thought I would stop by after work and see how you were doing?"

                "Afraid I'd be down in the dumps?"  She lightly teased him causing him to chuckle.

                "I saw the condition Jenny and Jan were in when I stopped in at the diner for lunch.  I was more afraid you were nursing a raging hangover."  Elizabeth burst out laughing.  It's true that everyone but Addison drank last night but she didn't have nearly as much as the others.  She was sure they were all feeling the aftereffects today from the party.  Was it wrong she found that thought funny?  As they reached her door Ryan stopped instigating her to turn and face him.  She was just starting to wonder what he was up too when Ryan reached out to caress her cheek.  Without meaning too Elizabeth let out a miserable sigh making him stop before he touched her.

                "I really need to talk to you about something."  She said dejectedly as he nodded slowly in response.  When Elizabeth was going to lead him inside Ryan walked over to the wooden bench swing patting the seat beside him.  She looked at him curiously but followed along slowly lowering herself down.  They both turned facing forward looking out into the night.  Ryan braced himself for the rejection he thought sure was coming while Elizabeth tried to find the right words.  The silence stretched between them uncomfortable until he just couldn't take the waiting anymore.

                "You don't want to get together."  She sighed out again wondering if that was truly what she felt.  Finding her courage, she turned and faced him.  The pain on his face twisted her heart as she watched his profile for a moment.

                "Honestly, I'm incredibly confused with myself at the moment."

                "I'm listening."  He assured her as he turned to face her as well searching her face for something.  Elizabeth fidgeted in frustration knowing she owed him the truth.

                "Let me get everything out before you say anything please.  I may chicken out otherwise."  Nodding he gestured for her to go on.

                "I like you Ryan, as more than a friend, but I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around that.  When I moved here, I was running away from facing emotions I didn't want to feel.  If I'm being candid here, I still don't want to feel them.  I wanted to find a hole in the wall and hide from the world.  I never expected to meet any of you, but I especially didn't count on feeling more overwhelming emotions.  While they're different from the one's I've tucked away, I still found them unwanted and frightening.  I wanted to bury my memories and turn my heart to stone which I've been unable to do since you've come into my life.  At first, I thought it was just a physical attraction I was feeling and was determined to stop it before I hurt you.  It's clear to me now though that I actually do care for you and that scares the hell out of me.  I've lost too many people that I loved that I'm terrified to go through that again.  Jan told me that you don't get a choice not to feel but the choice is if it's worth the risk anyway.  That's a hard verdict for me to make.  Electing to be with someone or not was never that hard to decide before, but once you know the worst can happen it makes you hesitate and confused as to what to do.  I'm really sorry Ryan I'm not trying to jerk you around.  I just don't know how to get past all my insecurities."