Weeping Willows

Let's Talk About Anything Else

Chapter 50

    The next morning Elizabeth was up before Lauren.  She moved about the room cautiously wanting to let her friend sleep for as long as she needed.  In truth she wasn't really ready to rehash what had happened the night before either.  Tip toeing from the room she shut the door as quietly as possible and made her way to the kitchen for a fresh cup of coffee.  Today was to be her first session with Mason and she wasn't really looking forward to that either.  Holding her warm mug between her chilled hands she made her way to her studio intending to write another letter before Lauren woke up to distract her.  Setting down her mug she pulled out all her supplies along with a fresh piece of stationary.  She stared at the blank page waiting for the words to come to her but found she didn't know what to say.  Well that wasn't completely true there were many things to talk about.  Every time she placed the pen to the paper however she couldn't help remembering the last letter she had written nor the last one of William's that she had read.  It made her a little reluctant this time as she slightly feared what she would discover next.  Shaking off her misgivings as silly nonsense she began to pen her next letter.

Dear William,

    I find this letter hard to start only because after the last it feels as if you are truly some how reading these.  I know it is absurd to think this, but I cannot help thinking about the postscript in your last letter and wondering what if.  It causes a bit of unease thinking that I was pouring my heart and fears into the last letters firmly believing no one would ever read the words written.  I do not know how to feel about the possibility that they have been read.  Not only read but read by you.  How that would even be possible is beyond my scope of imagination, but I had never truly meant to share my inner musings with anyone.  Well at least not until I was ready to anyway.  Which brings me to my reason for writing this time.  Regardless of whether you are in fact some way capable of reading these or not you have become somewhat of a confidant at this point and I can not help telling you when important things are happening.  Not writing due to the fear of you actually being able to read these is a moot point now though.  I have already borne it all and it would be asinine to stop now due to the impossible.

    I begin my counseling today with Mason.  I find that the prospect of spilling my pain to another is causing me much trepidation.  I know I must do this step if I want to get past everything and be happy again, but I am reluctant.  I cannot help conjuring up images of how the session will go and it makes me cringe with every new scenario I create.  It probably will not be as bad as I am envisioning it to be, but I do not know if I can do this.  Would it be bad of me if I called and cancelled?  Probably and I promised myself to stop procrastinating.  I want to get past all of this, and I know I cannot do it alone.  Why did any of this have to happen?  Listen to me complaining when you have been separated from all those you love and sent to what must truly be hell on earth.  I cannot imagine what it must be like for you or any of those that serve during war.  The horrors you must have to see and the things you must do to not only protect others but to survive so that one day you can come home.  I do not know if I would be able to endure such a thing.  I can barely manage to survive the loss I have encountered in life. 

    My only hope for you is that one day you will find your way back to those you love in life.  For all that you have had to endure I cannot imagine you would deserve anything less than to be reunited with them one day.  The guy I have been seeing lately has left to research your family and what has happened to all of you.  I find I have mixed feelings about this though.  While I really to do want to know as I am overwhelmed with curiosity to see how your lives all played out I do not know if I could handle it if I find that you never made it home.  I know this is silly as you all lived so long ago anyway but I want a happy ending for you.  If I were to discover that was not how things went, I would be heartbroken.  It is almost like reading the most amazing book only to be let down by the ending.  I know I do not truly know any of you, but I find I have a vested interest in all of your well beings.  That is one of the biggest reasons for not wanting him to leave and do this for me.  The other, well, I think the person he has gone to for help with this is his ex-girlfriend.  Try as I might, I cannot help feeling jealous of this.  I do not know for sure if this is true as I have not talked to him yet, and honestly, I am afraid of the answer if I do.  I am dying of curiosity about your families' lives but at the same time I am scared he will find he still has feelings for another and will leave me too.  While it will not be the same kind of loss, I have already suffered through I cannot imagine it will hurt any less.